There’s a big milestone coming up for a lot of families this year: first divorced Christmas.
It might be a challenging day of splitting kids between disparate family events. Or, perhaps, Mom and Dad will behave like adults and both show up to the same gathering in an effort to create some normalcy for their children, who, heretofore, might have had an intact family and simple celebrations.
For as long as there has been marriage, there have been some people who break their wedding vows. What makes this first divorced Christmas notable? Surprisingly, by their own admission, many women initiating these divorces have no good reason for calling it quits. Women in stable, functional households are taking the “brave” step of ending their marriages.
Our culture has already endured the craze of women divorcing their “narcissistic” husbands. As many people have already noted, if people with narcissistic personality disorder make up only 1 to 2 percent of the population, how is it possible that so many women around the age of 40 woke up one day to discover they’d been suffering under the tyranny of a narcissistic abuser? It was a bit suspect, but there were often theatrical accounts of “gaslighting” and sometimes a stated desire to protect the children.
The new loudmouth divorcees, however, make no pretense of protecting children or escaping great suffering. They just feel vaguely unfulfilled, listless, and uncertain. Some people in this situation might get a haircut, try a new hobby, or schedule a weekend away. But women online are convincing each other to end their marriages because they don’t feel deeply fulfilled by a mere mortal man who has, in many cases, remained faithful, contributed to raising children, provided a steady income, and been, in other words, a decent guy.
What’s the evidence that this is a social contagion? The uncanny similarities between these “brave” announcements. Online, you can find dozens of videos of women sitting in their cars (why are they always sitting in their cars?) proclaiming that the man whose life they are rending is “a good man.” Usually, they will say he is a “great dad.” Often, the women, some of whom do not currently have paid employment, have the gall to note that he is a “good provider.” Our culture is taking “no-fault divorce” to new heights! He’s done nothing wrong.
Women reassure each other that the “guilt” they feel for divorcing a good man is undeserved because they “aren’t doing anything wrong.” But aren’t they? Guilt is sometimes a helpful signal that we are failing to meet the standards of civil and moral behavior.
When a wife and mother chooses to divorce a good husband and father, she destroys her integrity by breaking the vows she made. It’s an interesting moment when you consider that marriage vows are a series of solemn promises not to divorce someone. After publicly proclaiming said vows and then tossing them out in a fit of middle-aged angst, your word no longer means anything.
The decision to divorce without cause also robs her children of their inheritance by unnecessarily severing a household and often inflicting great financial hardship. If you thought running a household in this economy was tough, try two!
We can hope that the magnifying power of the internet echo chamber is making it seem like this is more of a trend than it actually is. However, humans are mimetic creatures, and it is undeniable that our public behavior inspires action in others. What we see other people do, we begin to think of as normal and acceptable.
It was not mere petty meanness that, in many cultures, divorcing on a whim used to be stigmatized. Society rightly villainized selfish and frivolous women who inflicted suffering without cause. Some men have also betrayed their vows and destroyed their marriages; they were also generally villainized.
Unfortunately, a generation of women is about to discover the hard way that calling divorce good does not make it so. Just because an infernal chorus of other women sitting alone in their cars affirms that you are brave for breaking taboos does not mean the results change. Removing the social stigma does not erase the suffering.
Sadly, for many women, this will be the first fractured Christmas of many to come. Holidays that could have grown to include the shared celebration of memories and grandchildren, a family legacy carried on through the generations, will now be separated, often isolated, and sometimes terribly lonely. All in the name of finding your own happiness.
The sliver of truth in these videos and why they succeed in convincing other women to divorce their perfectly good husbands is that many women are unhappy. Why is hard to say, but the possible solutions are many. Some ideas:
First, connect with people in person. All people are social by nature, especially many women. Forming close and regular connections with friends and family is deeply fulfilling. Happy people don’t usually spend time talking to strangers on the internet, so the deck is stacked in favor of the unhappy ones when it comes to online influencing. Get back to live and in-person, whether through church, your local library, the playground, social clubs, hobby groups, or a favorite coffee shop.
Second, take the more difficult path. If you find yourself at 40 in a mediocre marriage, ask the uncomfortable question: What can I do to make it better? Personal responsibility and accountability, while uncomfortable, yield the best and most reliable results. There are many angles, books, and programs to take on this one. My personal favorite is The Empowered Wife, but you will find many of the same skills and principles in any sound personal improvement advice.
Third, scorn the casually divorced. There’s no need to be rude or antagonistic, but we can all stop pretending divorce is a harmless whim. Don’t attend your friend’s “divorce party;” don’t encourage online stupidity. Divorcing without cause is selfish and destructive. People used to feel ashamed of doing such a thing because it was rightly considered shameful. Ridding our culture of unnecessary and harmful shame is desirable; let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater, though.
A divorce craze is taking the online world by storm. Don’t endorse the Scrooge-like selfishness of unhappy, self-centered women. Divorcing a good man is not an act of bravery but an act of self-destruction that harms many others in the process.