Posted on 11/28/2025 10:21:07 AM PST by E. Pluribus Unum
U.S. — Authorities issued a public service announcement in time for the holiday season, reminding parents that if they leave their children home alone, they should ensure that they have access to plenty of paint cans, a blowtorch, and a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan. In a pinch, a cardboard cutout of Shaquille O'Neal would also be acceptable.
The Federal Administration for Children and Families held a press conference on Wednesday in which it called on the public to remain vigilant throughout the holidays by keeping a sufficient supply of paint cans, blowtorches, bowling balls, nail guns, tar, Micro Machines, hot irons, old gangster movies, and tarantulas.
"We know the holiday season is a busy time of year, and it's tempting to leave your kids alone at home while you run errands or fly to Europe, but if you do, we are asking you to do the right thing and make sure they have access to your tool shed and a cutout of a major sports figure," FACF Director Richard Keller said. "And please keep in mind your state's self-defense laws to determine if a Michael Jordan cardboard cutout is right for your family."
Families were also being encouraged to hit stores early to stock up on supplies before all the feathers and large fans were sold out. "Do not wait for Black Friday sales, it will be too late," authorities warned.
At publishing time, authorities had also encouraged families to make friends with a kindly old man who salts the sidewalks on their street.
(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...
Kids today aren’t smart enough to put all the trappings together!
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