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America's Obesity Crisis Solved As EBT Benefits Run Out
Babylon Bee ^ | October 28, 2025 | Staff

Posted on 10/29/2025 11:41:52 AM PDT by Twotone

U.S. — The American Medical Association announced the long battle with American obesity had finally come to an end thanks to EBT benefits running out amidst the ongoing government shut down.

"The government being shut down is the best thing that could ever have happened to the health of the American people," said Dr. Anton Scout, a pediatrician and AMA board member. "People can't afford to get fat anymore."

EBT benefits are designed to assist lower-income families with basic needs like buying soda, paying for the Internet, and going to zoos. The program has long been criticized for encouraging emotional eating for people without jobs. But no more, says United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. "Get a job, fatty," he said.

For the first time in decades, Americans are losing weight, and they owe it all to the government shutdown. "Help me, I'm starving," said Natalie Graves, a lower-income mother from Tennessee. "I'll eat anything as long as it's not fruits or vegetables."

Democrats slammed the ongoing shutdown they've caused, blaming Republicans for the lack of EBT funding. "My constituents need to live off the government or they'll turn on me," warned Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. "Please, give in to our unreasonable demands and reopen the government."

At publishing time, President Trump said he was so impressed with the results of the government shutdown that he had encouraged Republicans to keep it shut forever.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; ebtcards; obesity; shutdown

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1 posted on 10/29/2025 11:41:52 AM PDT by Twotone
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To: Twotone

HAHA!!!

I just KNEW the Bee was going to have fun with this one.


2 posted on 10/29/2025 11:45:38 AM PDT by fwdude (Why is there a "far/radical right," but damned if they'll admit that there is a far/radical left)
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To: All

What? EBT benefits run out?


Well, there goes the fat-drenched collard greens and deep-fried pork chops.


3 posted on 10/29/2025 11:50:40 AM PDT by Liz (To make a conservative mad, lie to him. To make a leftist mad, tell him the truth.)
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To: Twotone
BWAHHAAHHHAAAA!

The BB are comedic geniuses!

4 posted on 10/29/2025 11:53:10 AM PDT by spankalib
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To: Twotone

Funny story.

But the optics on this are going to sink the GOP.

And them Dems will rush in two weeks from now and “Save Thanksgiving for the American People.”

And Johnson will just stand there like an idiot.


5 posted on 10/29/2025 11:54:30 AM PDT by Vermont Lt
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To: Twotone

“I’ll eat anything, as long as it’s not fruits and vegetables!” ROFLOL! And unfortunately, pretty much true!
Years ago, my first husband, who worked for the Housing Authority, stood in disbelief as the women on the Residents Counsel dumped expensive, donated Green Giant frozen foods into dumpsters. He was incredulous. “We don’t eat that s*#+”, they told him. He dug some of it out and brought it home. We certainly ate it!


6 posted on 10/29/2025 11:55:01 AM PDT by Flaming Conservative ((Pray without ceasing))
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To: Vermont Lt

You will be wrong again.


7 posted on 10/29/2025 11:56:49 AM PDT by cowboyusa ( YESHUA IS KING OF AMERICA AND HE WILL HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE HIM!)
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To: Vermont Lt

But the optics on this are going to sink the GOP.


I don’ think that’s true this time. They can’t blame it on R’s if they’re all voting FOR a continuing resolution & the D’s against. And the reason their against is free stuff for illegals. Free stuff for illegals polls very badly. Even the media is questioning the Dems on this. I think they’ll be caving soon.


8 posted on 10/29/2025 12:00:56 PM PDT by Twotone ( What's the difference between a politician & a flying pig? The letter "F.")
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To: Twotone
We interviewed people in other industries to see how it's impacting them. (tongue-in-cheek since the Dims claim it's all about trying to harm blacks)

Drug dealer down the street: Wez thoughta Trump a helpin' us with bombin dem Venzwayla boats and removin our competitors so we can rayze price. But ain't nobody got no SNAP cards ta geev us for no high. How my gonna pay my Draft Kings?

Prophet Archbishop Leon Washington Carpet Sanctuary Deacon of AME on Martin Luther King Drive: Our faith healing ran out as soon as the SNAP stopped.

Package Store Owner: We used SNAP for ID cuz my customers don't know how to get another kind. Now what they gonna do?

9 posted on 10/29/2025 12:01:57 PM PDT by Tell It Right (1 Thessalonians 5:21 -- Put everything to the test, hold fast to that which is true.)
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To: Twotone
We interviewed people in other industries to see how it's impacting them. (tongue-in-cheek since the Dims claim it's all about trying to harm blacks)

Drug dealer down the street: Wez thoughta Trump a helpin' us with bombin dem Venzwayla boats and removin our competitors so we can rayze price. But ain't nobody got no SNAP cards ta geev us for no high. How my gonna pay my Draft Kings?

Prophet Archbishop Leon Washington Carpet Sanctuary Deacon of AME on Martin Luther King Drive: Our faith healing ran out as soon as the SNAP stopped.

Package Store Owner: We used SNAP for ID cuz my customers don't know how to get another kind. Now what they gonna do?

10 posted on 10/29/2025 12:01:58 PM PDT by Tell It Right (1 Thessalonians 5:21 -- Put everything to the test, hold fast to that which is true.)
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The Bee can have fun but I smell a Rat named Chuck Schumer, who wants riots in grocery stores at opening on 11/1/2025.

Fact: one of the Big 3 chains has already called up max loss prevention and liasoned with po-po in large metros -- where they have acres of ghetto exposure -- how to triage the lifters, and keep any and all of it from escalating into a flash mob riot.

You live in a neighborhood that is even sketch-adjacent and only one grocery chain? You best get a week's worth of food on Halloween...

11 posted on 10/29/2025 12:08:52 PM PDT by StAnDeliver (TrumpII)
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To: Twotone

SNAP keeps the big food processors alive.

Pepsico, Frito-lay and so many others that sell poison that used to be food. There’s a list as long as their ingredients labels.

America has to fix this, somehow, someway.

And most certainly the taxpayers should not be subsidizing them. That’s a crime against humanity.


12 posted on 10/29/2025 12:11:38 PM PDT by Mariner (War Criminal #18)
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To: Twotone; fwdude

Will the Bee report about tattoo parlors being hit hardest?

I suspect that most cash-strapped EBTers will continue to eat as much as they want. If nothing else, the free food peeps will need to continue to feel good about themselves, but who’s going to keep inking for free?

If the heavily subsidized are truly headed toward crunch time and tough choices, IMO butterflies will take a rear seat to Bugles and Doritos.


13 posted on 10/29/2025 12:16:11 PM PDT by Ezekiel (🆘️ "Come fly with US". 🔴 Ingenuity -- because the Son of David begins with MARS ♂️, aka every man)
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To: cowboyusa

There is a first time for everything. Ha ha.


14 posted on 10/29/2025 12:18:53 PM PDT by Vermont Lt
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To: Vermont Lt

>If the GOP acts quickly we can still snatch defeat from the dems!
“the optics on this are going to sink the GOP”
Wrong. The democrats have voted ‘No’ 12 times to stopping the shutdown.


15 posted on 10/29/2025 12:21:30 PM PDT by tumblindice (America's founding fathers: all armed conservatives)
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To: fwdude

Fudge Rounds, pop and ice cream along with sugary cereals will be hardest hit.


16 posted on 10/29/2025 12:23:04 PM PDT by healy61
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To: tumblindice

Yes, but only our side knows this.


17 posted on 10/29/2025 12:42:34 PM PDT by madison10 (There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of philosophy.)
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To: Twotone

Oh, oh. Cheetos and Skittles are gonna get hammered.


18 posted on 10/29/2025 12:46:21 PM PDT by sphinx
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To: StAnDeliver

Starting a few weeks ago, off-duty cops were hired for the grocery store in my neighborhood. I love it. There have been thefts before, and store personnel just watch it happen. Once, during COVID, a thief quickly wheeled a whole dolly of beer out the door.


19 posted on 10/29/2025 1:04:54 PM PDT by fwdude (Why is there a "far/radical right," but damned if they'll admit that there is a far/radical left)
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To: Vermont Lt
"...the optics on this are going to sink the GOP."

I think all of those gaslighting days are over. People are beginning to see the Democrat Party for what it is like never before.

Everyone will know that those stealing and robbing are ALL Democrat voters.

20 posted on 10/29/2025 1:07:35 PM PDT by fwdude (Why is there a "far/radical right," but damned if they'll admit that there is a far/radical left)
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