Posted on 09/30/2023 11:16:17 AM PDT by xp38
After years of suffering under unfair labor practices, the Bee writers are going on strike. Support us by reading this article and then by joining us on the picket line. We will not get back to work until every single one of these demands is met. They are very reasonable!
Demands:
1. CEO Seth Dillon agrees to begin paying us
2. More gruel at lunchtime
3. Bowing to the golden Trump statue when the music plays is no longer mandatory
4. Seth agrees to stop whipping us and yelling, "Be funnier!"
5. Iron Maiden pinball machine in the breakroom
6. Cut Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann's daily readings of Lord of the Rings to weekly
7. The company will no longer hire male writers based on hotness
8. Must offer actual benefits instead of just the promise of an annual high-five
9. Kyle agrees to stop walking by our desks saying "Working hard or hardly working?"
10. Stop referring to female writers as "work hags" or "headline wenches"
11. Weekend visits with family
12. One can of Yuban coffee
13. The company cannot force us to write more than 25 AOC jokes a day
14. We will no longer be required to refer to the CEO as "Seth Dillon, may he live forever"
15. Kyle must learn all our names
16. Writers will now have the right to make fun of Elon Musk
17. 4-hour games of Catan on Wednesdays are now optional
18. Increase the party planning committee budget to $50
19. Y2K-compliant computers
20. A window
21. Replace us with AI. Please. And as soon as possible
22. No more listicles
We reserve the right to say we were just joking and go back to work if the company tries to fire us. That's one of the best things about working for the Bee, you can laugh off anything as a joke. But seriously, we have families.
Hook up the Self-Destruct Button to Something.
Permit blaster targeting selector switch to be something other than “random”.
Put something in the trap door pit other than cockroaches.
Enough with the ‘stapler in lemon jello’ gag.
Venomous snakes are not acceptable service animals. Neither are sea urchins or Lionfish.
Enough with the ‘sea urchin in lemon jello’ gag.
.
I wonder how many times these writers remember a joke later on in the day or week, and then start laughing out loud, with people passing by looking at them strangely.
I remember when Yuban coffee was actually good.
“Listicle” is a new word for me as well.
We see so many of these—and most of them are really dumb and often wrong on many levels.
Or the Onion 20 years ago.
“most of them are really dumb and often wrong on many levels.”
No kidding! This one is horrible.
I thought you would like it.
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