Posted on 04/03/2023 2:23:25 PM PDT by nickcarraway
Food for thought from humorist David Sedaris:
I was in the breakfast room of a nice hotel in San Francisco, and as the maître d' showed me to my table, I told him that I followed a strict hegan diet.
"Vegan?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Hegan. I only eat things that were male. I'm hoping that's all clearly marked on your menu."
His face fell.
david-sedaris-restaurant-1280.jpg Humorist David Sedaris. CBS NEWS "I'll need to know what sex my eggs are, for instance, if I decide to get eggs. Sausage, being such a hodgepodge, is impossible for me, but I do enjoy bacon from time to time. It just has to come from a boar rather than a sow. I'm hoping you can verify that for me?"
At a diner you'd be laughed out of the room – and for good reason – but in a fancy restaurant it's, "Let me, um, talk to the chef."
I tried the same line at dinner that night, and, again, I let it sit for a moment before admitting that it was a joke, something I'd just made up.
"Well, thank goodness!" my waiter said. "I mean, this is California! We get it all here, so I naturally assumed this was a new thing."
What, I wonder, would be the point of heganism, other than making yourself seem unique or righteous in some way? Though that often seems reason enough.
There are hard-core fruitarians who only eat things that fell to the ground naturally, thus sparing the apple or orange or fig tree any unnecessary trauma. Then there are freegans, who don't believe in waste and only eat food that they find and don't have to pay for, including roadkill. I met a guy on a plane once whose daughter had just gotten sick from eating an over-ripe raccoon carcass.
In the movie "Transamerica," one of the characters identified as a level-4 vegan, explaining that he only ate things that didn't cast a shadow. Is that real? I wondered. It wasn't, but I was fooled until I looked it up.
When it comes to food (or, face it, food in wealthy, industrialized countries), nothing's too crazy now. That's why, when I saw the words, "Eat The Rich" spray-painted on a building not far from my hotel in San Francisco, I thought, as had my waiter at dinner the previous evening: Really? Is that a thing now?
that bites...
I used to know a guy who owned a restaurant. Years ago he started getting people who were gluten free because it’s the new fad.
He said “what’s a gluten?”
>identified as a level-4 vegan, explaining that he only ate things that didn’t cast a shadow
Top that.
Some people are Breatharian. They don't eat food, they subsist on prana from the air.
>they subsist on prana from the air.
So skinny you can’t see them.
Maybe the animals “identified” as male, so it’s cool. Hahaha! 😉
That might have been funny, but came across as too gay.
Unlike mammals, the hen (female) determines the sex of offspring, not the rooster (male). But what if the hen identifies as a rooster and crossed the road?
“I do enjoy bacon from time to time. It just has to come from a boar rather than a sow.”
Pigs intended for slaughter are castrated the first week. They are called barrows, Females are called gilts.
Sows and boars are sexually mature hogs and probably end up as pet food as their musk (skatol) has permeated their tissues and it is gamey as hell and smells like pig shit while cooking.
Pretty sure the origin of BBQ was intended to break down the skatol through slow cooking, while the sauce disguised any lingering gaminess.
And yes, I do have direct knowledge of how awful boar taint is when you discover your child’s 4H project has an undescended testicle and can not be shown or sold, so we have to eat it while she shows and sells the family meat pig instead.
I got really damn good at BBQ.
“fell to the ground naturally”
The horror experienced by fruit as it falls, faced with its looming demise, unleashes an adrelaline like chemical that makes it much more sweeter and juicier.
“...things that didn’t cast a shadow...”
Wouldn’t that be dirt? Or something IN THE DIRT? Earthworm, mole, vole?
Well, inasmuch as Sedaris is a notorious flaming faggot, I'm sure that was a true statement.
I cannot stand him and I find no humor in his writings or musings.
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