Posted on 01/05/2023 8:38:18 PM PST by grundle
Julia Naftulin writes Insider's dating, sex, and relationships advice column Doing It Right.Julia Naftulin
My ex and I were high school sweethearts. We dated for 10 years, moved to two cities together, and talked about marriage.
In August 2021, my ex suddenly said he had to end the relationship to be alone. He said he didn't know if he could ever get married.
A year and a half later, I've learned how to practice self-compassion, ask for help, and find gratitude after grief.
When my ex-boyfriend sat me down to break up with me in August 2021, I didn't realize it was happening. He had to sit me down again the next day to make sure I understood. He needed to move on, alone, without me.
We dated for 10 years, starting during our junior year of high school. Throughout that time, we talked about marriage and moved to two different cities together. Sure, the pandemic put a strain on our relationship, but I thought it was par for the course. I imagined we could get through anything together because I loved him, our love, and the memories we shared. I loved how our high school friendship became so much more, how we grew up together, and how he felt like the first man who really wanted to know me. For him, I learned, that wasn't enough.
For a few months, I could barely eat or go a day without crying. It felt like my world had collapsed and I was left alone to figure out what to do with the rubble.
A year and a half later, after bouts of extreme sadness, anger, and confusion, I've found closure. It's something an earlier version of myself couldn't have imagined.
(Excerpt) Read more at yahoo.com ...
Every night from mid-March until May ended with me in a puddle of tears, feeling trapped and disconnected from everyone and everything.
As someone who's never been diagnosed with a mental illness, the enduring hopelessness I experienced in the first few months of lockdown during the coronavirus pandemic left me confused and defeated." - Julia Naftulin Feb 25, 2021, 3:03 PM
https://www.insider.com/i-started-therapy-during-pandemic-what-i-learned-so-far-2021-1
I think the guy realized she was a nutjob.
I know why he dumped her. He didn't want to continuously be the subject of her articles. Could you imaging living with a woman that constantly disgorged intimate details of your relationship...to national audiences?
“She needs to embark on a crash course of dieting, hitting the gym hard and looking for a good man RIGHT NOW. DO NOT WAIT.”
Great post.
She needs to stop typing and start the hard physical work—or take up cats as her new hobby.
;-)
I feel for her because I had that happen to me. But I was only about 10 months in and lived apart in my own home. If my boyfriend hadn’t broken up with me I would never have met Mr. GG2 who is the best of the best. I cannot imagine staying with a guy for 10 years if you are wanting marriage. She’s A cute girl she’ll meet someone else.
Eighty-three replies to a teen angst story, proving that FR is becoming a major mecca for hand-wringing soap opera fans.
I would bet on that.
The brightly illuminated fed flag of a soon-to-be nagging wife who thinks she can remake someone. You are pretty much who you are once puberty is finished.
The tattoos and piercings are real turn-offs for me.
You probably think that blogging angrily about current events will change something.
“So:
You’re are not as good as you once were; but you are as good once as you ever were? ;”
I’ve adapted!
Sure you are who you are....but a couple can learn which habits of theirs annoy the other, and either break that habit or learn to work around it, negotiate their differences to make them more manageable, learn what the other particularly values and give them that, etc etc.
I didn’t mean a personality makeover. I meant putting in the work needed to make a relationship good and lasting.
“You probably think that blogging angrily about current events will change something.”
Swami GingisK enters fray to show off its mind-reading ability. Aummmmm!
How’d I do? Do I need to go on to the next sealed envelope?
A lot of women think that is exactly what they can accomplish. I'm happy to learn you are not among them.
I think one main trick to make a marriage last is to “hold your fire”. If both sides can manage that I like the odds for long term success.
“Hold your fire” just means that is you see something you don’t like or want to change in the other person, the first thing you need to do is “nothing”.
Hold your fire.
Don’t criticize them at that moment.
That buys you time to develop creative and constructive ways to work the issue.
Often there are ways you can change either your own behavior or the environment that will resolve the issue—without it ever becoming an “issue”.
One very simple example is a dusty room.
You could criticize the spouse for not cleaning it—or you could clean it yourself while letting the spouse know you think they messed up...
But the alternative that works for me (and us):
I clean the area when my wife is not around—and don’t make an issue of it.
At some point (could be a week later!) she will notice and say “thanks for doing that”.
Win win.
Missed her window? They started dating in high school after 10 years she would at most in her late 20s.
She didn’t miss her biological window.
Others never learn how to be with others.
She can still have children of course—but now she has to start finding a new man from scratch—and now she has put on a few pounds and probably a bit of an “attitude” that will make her less attractive than she was.
It is not that she has “no prospects”—it is just that her desirability is much much lower than it was ten years ago—or five years ago.
It is highly likely that she is about to suffer from the gap between her expectations of what she thinks she deserves and what she is gonna get.
She looks pretty ...
....
...
...
...
... pretty high on the crazy axis, that is!
5 to 7 years?
Guys, need to be honest here.
IF that started dating in HS, at most she was 28 when they split... Likley the started before the last day of High School so she would have been somewhere between 26 and 28 at most when they split.. making her at most 30 when they split.
She’s got a lot more than 5-7 years left.
My youngest was born just before we both turned 44. No artificial anything involved, perfectly happy and healthy child.
My oldest was born just a few months after me and my wife had turned 25.
She is in no risk of missing her “window” to have children.
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