I say a firing squad, only unbeknownst to him, it's a bunch of less lethal options fired directly at his junk. Then put a noose around his neck and slowly lift him off the ground.
His brain will be thrown into confusion when the next volley of crotch shots begin. "Do I guard my junk with my hands, or grab the rope to relieve the pressure off my neck?" I predict it would be a constant back-and-forth.
Decisions, decisions.
Looks like you’ve put some serious thought into the process, LOL!