Posted on 06/19/2021 7:52:02 AM PDT by upchuck
1. This is ridiculous! It's June 19th and people are still shooting fireworks to commemorate "Juneteenth." One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
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2. A woman sitting at the Front Counter of Dink's Diner earlier today patiently explained to me why more women don't play golf: "We have more important things to lie about."
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3.
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4. If more politicians in this country were thinking about the next generation instead of the next election, it might be better for the United States and the world.
--Claude Pepper
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5. Karaoke, a Japanese ritual where people that don't think they can sing set out to prove they are correct.
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6. What’s a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman?
The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”
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7. A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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8. A woman was at her hairdressers getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome! So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline! Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late! So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope!"
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful!" explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot!"
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky because, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really!? What'd he say?"
He said, " Where did you get that crappy hairdo?"
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9. The FOUR Mistakes in the Stock Market:
Buying stocks.
Selling stocks.
Holding stocks.
Not holding stocks.
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10. There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
ENOUGH SILLINESS!!
Women golfers complain about the length of his putts!
Great collection!
Put me on your ping list, if you have one, please.
Funny! Terrific play on words :)
Don’t have a ping list per se. I’ll try to remember your request.
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