Posted on 04/26/2021 4:12:37 PM PDT by upchuck
Some of you and are laughing saying, upchuck is so old he doesn't know what day it is. I know which day it is. But "Monday Tickles" just doesn't grab me. Here ya go:
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A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
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Bob: "Holy crud, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder." Jane: "OMG, are you okay?" Bob: "Yep -- it's a good thing that I fell off the first step."
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One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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I read a caption in the paper the other day. It read, "In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger." How do they know how fast I can read? I had to read it again. Wow, I just killed 40 people.
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I went into a pub and told this guy that my wife was about to give birth any day. He said "that's nice, what are you having?" I said "A pint of Guinness please"
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A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had me beaten and I couldn’t continue.”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked. “I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, we’re staying right here.” “And then what?” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moishe, “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”
If you're still upset I posted Tuesday Tickles and it's not Tuesday, bookmark this post and come back to it tomorrow.
john kerry walks into a bar...
the bartender looks at him and asks “why such a long face”...
I like ‘em!
u posted yore chuckles on the wrong day. how dare you!
https://sayingimages.com/greta-thunberg-meme/
🤣😂🤣😂
I love the last one!
Thanks, I needed those :)
Humor breaks welcomed!
A new Catholic priest was about to deliver his first homily. He was nervous, so he went to an olde rpriest.
“Just do what I do,” said the olde rpriest. “Put just a drop of gin in yoiur water. Just a drop now!”
He went out and delivered a stemwinder that had his parishioners spellbound.
“How did I do?” he asked the older priest.
“Well, your technique was great, you had the audience’s rapt attention, but we do NOT refer to the Trinty as Big Daddy, Junior, and Spook.”
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