its what I do....:(
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I used to do the same thing, and I was good at it. :)
In a contest, on an even playing field, I suspect I was even better at it then you are. I was a 'natural'. :)
I can't say I was eager to turn away from worry because, at the time I started to wonder if it was possible, I felt like I would be turning my back on danger creeping up behind me or those I loved and 'watched over.'
Worrying made me feel like I could 'do something' instead of being 'just prey'.
But I could see a trail of broken worries in my wake, things I feared so deeply that never came to pass.
“I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
―
I began to notice that my worrying was exhausting me, draining my energy 'standing guard' while others rested. Having worried about that which I feared didn't make it any easier on those occaisions when it DID come to pass - I had gained nothing from my vigil. If anything, I had a double portion: worry before and grief after.
Usually things I worried about never happened; all that happened was my sense of hope and joy grew care worn with the 'harder life' happening in my mind than was happening in reality.
A pastor of a church commented off-hand that 'We may say we are Christian, but many of us live like practical atheists." I looked at my life and thought, yeah, I'm livin' like that giant foot from the Monty Python short is going to come out of the clouds and just squish me or others at the dinner table.
I could see that people around me had more peace, and incorrectly assumed that meant they had fewer things to worry about. 'Why the difference?', I wondered. 'Don't they care?'
Matthew 6:34 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I realized I needed a strategy and I didn't even want one. It felt like not worrying about my loved ones would be to abandon them somehow.
In an ugly confrontation in prayer with God, I realized that all this time, He loved and cared for those whom I worried about far better than I ever did or could 24/7. He never rested, forgot the details or failed to meet their needs.
They were safer in His care then mine. My worry didn't help, but my prayers could. Staying positive and full of physical/emotional energy to lend practical help, or a shoulder to cry on, helped them.
One day I realized a loved one was losing their battle with cancer; as if my worries and angst ridden prayers had 'failed' to keep them in remission. Later I came to think it was as if I were watching them on a wave swept rock, helplessly worrying about their footing and balance.
And came to believe that He is the rock they are leaning against, and He pulls them closer to Him, and farther from me, to shelter them. Better for me to tell them to lean toward God, than for worry about them. I look for ways to offer practical help, and remind myself worry is not practical.
I had some anger toward God that I hid from myself 'out of respect for God' and as I started to fight the worrying, this surfaced again and again. Shifting my worries to prayer helped. Admitting to and venting the anger helped (and no lightening bolt scorch marks where I had been standing when I said what I said to God).
I noticed that my worrying had some power to detract from the happiness of those around who normally didn't worry. They sometimes seemed to feel as if they'd gotten some infection to which they had little immunity and quickly seemed exhausted.
By noticing my repeated worry attempts and failures, I discovered worry was not a good 'weapon of choice.' It didn't work; I grew tired and the people around me that I worried about were not helped by it.
I worked to tame it, although it can still trip me up sometimes, more so than those who never had a worry problem. It took a lot of work, and a lot of honesty to dig into the thought processes and habits that 'got me there,' but when I came out of that particularly lightening storm ridden climate, and moved to a life with milder weather and much more sunlight, I found peace.
It is a habit. You're not alone in it. Some have gotten out of it, some are still making their way through it. You'll make it outta there. :)
Worry makes hard times that much harder. It's well worth it to offload that dead wood beacause it's HARD to live with, lives in your head, doesn't pick up after itself, and doesn't even pay rent. :)
Prayers up for you, Sister. You can conquer this. :)