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Jack is brought before a police lineup to identify a criminal.

Police officer: Do you recognize any of these men, Mr. Benny?
Jack: Yes, all of them. They’re my orchestra.

‐—————

Jack: I tried to make a phone call, it didnt go through, and I used my last dime.
Mary: Why dont you use your first one?

Radio broadcast, Feb. 7, 1954.

Dennis’ mother (played by Verna Felton): Well, I thought I’d find you here.

Jack: Mrs. Day, where’s Dennis?

Dennis’ mother: I left him at our lawyers office.

Jack: Well, do you realize he’s missing the...your lawyer?

Dennis’ mother: Yes. We were discussing that ridiculous contract you’ve got Dennis signed to.

Jack: Well look, Mrs. Day. The contract I’ve got Dennis tied to is the usual one between the artist and his employer.

Dennis’ mother: Usual? You’ve got my boy signed up for 99 years!

Jack: So what?

Dennis’ mother: So what? How do you know he’ll live that long?

Jack: How do you know I’ll live that long?

Dennis’ mother: YOU ALREADY HAVE!!!!

From the January 6, 1952 episode:

Jack: “The least you could have done is to see that all your boys showed up.
Phil: “What are you talking about? The band’s here.”
Jack: “Where’s Remley, Sammy and Bagby? Your Hoodlum Section is missing!”
Phil: “Hoodlum section? Now, hold it, Jackson. I don’t think it’s very nice the way you go on week after week insulting those three boys. They may not be college graduates, but they come from good families, they’re sensitive, refined, and perfect gentlemen. And it’s your fault that they’re not here today.”
Jack: “My Fault?”
Phil: “Yeah, if you paid me more money, I could have bailed them out!”

May 8, 1949 radio episode:

Phil: Holy smoke. And I stayed on the wagon all week to get that line right.

Jack: Well I’ll give you one more chance, Phil. Read it now.

Phil: Jackson, I wouldn’t read that line again if you put me in your will.

Jack: A will? What’s that?

Phil: That’s when you leave your money to somebody.

Jack: Whoever started a silly thing like that?

From the september 10, 1950 episode:

Mary: “Say Phil, have you got the same musicians this year?”
Phil: “Yeah, Bagby, Remley, Kimich, Sammy, same old gang.”
Jack: “Where’s Fletcher, the trombone player?”
Phil: “Oh, Fletcher? He’s going to be a little late. His wife’s going to have her tenth baby, so they put her in the clink.”
Jack: “Put her in the clink??”
Mary: “Phil, why would they do that?”
Phil: “I don’t know, but it says so right on the door: C-L-I-N-I-C.”
Jack: “That’s clinic!! (disgustedly) ‘Clink’.”
Phil: “What’s the difference, she can’t get out!”

(Later Phil talks about how he went over in London)

Phil: “Hey Donsie, you would have been so proud of me. To quote the words of one of England’s foremost critics, he wrote ‘When Phil Harris walked out to the center of the stage, the vociferous ovation was not only tumultuous but it finally reached a crescendo bordering on pandemonium.”
Jack: “THAT he could read, but ‘clinic’ is ‘clink’!”

Dennis: “Oh Mr. Benny, would you like to hear the song I’m going to sing on the program Sunday?”
Jack: “In here?”
Dennis: “Sure, why not?”
Jack: “Dennis, this isn’t a studio, it’s a place of business!
Dennis: “So what, last night you played your violin at a gas station on Ventura Boulevard.”
Jack: “That’s different, it was their opening. Fine agent, I’ve got. I thought he was booking me into Texas, and it was Texaco!”

(Later)

Bob: “Today is my kid Stevie’s 6th birthday. I promised him he could come to the broadcast.”
Jack: “Oh, Stevie’s 6th birthday, eh? I bet he’s excited.”
Bob: “Oh, is he? You’re not kidding. You should have seen the presents he got. His mother gave him a bicycle, brother Larry gave him some roller skates, Everett gave him a football, and my brother Bing gave him a bank to save his money in.”
Jack: “Oh, a piggy bank?”
Bob: “No, the Security First National.”
Jack: “Gosh! Giving away a bank! I knew Bing was loaded, but I… gee, I didn’t think he had that much.”
Bob: “He’s comfortable.”
Jack: “I know! I know!”
Bob: “As a matter of fact, this summer, he heard that you have an underground vault where you keep your money. So he decided to dig one in his own back yard. Boy, what a mess.”
Jack: “What happened?”
Bob: “He struck oil.”
Jack: “Oil? No kidding.”
Bob: “Yep. Last night he opened a gas station on Ventura Boulevard. Had a violinist and everything.”

Say, mabel.
What is it gertrude?
Mr bennys line is flashing.
Yeah. I wonder what dial M for money wants now.