****FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD*****

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. Where's Henry? the others asked. Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail, the successful hunter replied. You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back? they inquired. A tough call, nodded the hunter. But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial
pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
Chief Two Eagles, asked one official, You have observed the white man for
90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his material wealth. You’ve seen his
progress, and the damage he’s done. The chief nodded In agreement. The official
continued, Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white
man go wrong? The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute
and then calmly replied, When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work,
medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, Only white man dumb enough to think he
could improve system like that.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,
decided to leave a note, saying, I’ve had it and have left you don’t bother
coming after me Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen
before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and
pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and
calling someone. She’s finally gone yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to
see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you can’t wait to see you we’ll
do all the naughty things you like.
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see
what he wrote I can see your feet.
We’re outta bread:
be back in five minutes.

My Wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the
wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing,
I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,
she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint
had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed
and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a
sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, Well, Doctor,
I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.
The Doctor replied, Actually, I’ve seen lots of them.
I just never saw one mounted and framed.

Harlow was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful
teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish
waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, That’s silver and it costs $100!
My goodness, that sure is a lotta money! Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to
describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back
room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?
Mary replied, No, but I will for the teapot.
This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store.

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but
was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
May I see your identification, please? asked the agent.
I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet, replied the guy.
Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry, said the agent.
But I can prove I’m an American! he exclaimed. I have a picture of Ronald Reagan
tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other.
This I gotta see, replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
By golly, you’re right! exclaimed the agent. Have a safe trip back to Chicago.
Thanks! he said. But how did you know I was from Chicago?
The agent replied, I recognized Obama in the middle.

Hillary, Pelosi and Biden walk into a bar.
The bar’s owner tells them, If you can stay in my basement for a day,
I’ll give you free beer for a year.
It’s deal, says Pelosi. I’ll go first. Pelosi then goes down into the basement.
Five minutes later, the basement door opens. It’s Pelosi. I give up, she says.
I can’t stand all the mice down there.
I’ll give it a try, says Biden. Biden then goes down into the basement.
Five minutes later, the basement door opens. It’s Biden. I give up, he says.
I can’t stand all the flies down there.
What a bunch of sissies, says Hillary. Hillary then goes down into the basement.
Five minutes later, the basement door opens. It’s the mice and the flies.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children. You all have obsessions! he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named
your daughter Candy.
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child’s name, Penny.
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce : Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself
in your child’s name, Brandy.
At this point, the fourth mother, Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand,
and whispered, Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about.
Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

A friend told me about his trip out with his grandson. This is what he said.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6 year-old grandson
asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food
and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!
Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby,
I heard a woman at the next table remark, That’s what’s wrong with this country.
Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, Did I do it wrong Grandpa?
Is God mad at me?
After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly
not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson
and said, I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.
Really? my grandson asked.
Cross my heart, the man replied Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added
(indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), Too bad she never
asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson
stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember
the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and
placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, Here ma’am, this is for you,
you grouchy old thing. You must be a Democrat, shove it in your mouth and cool off!

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York City:
He tells the saleslady, I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34 B.
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, What kind of bra?
He repeated A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra,
and that you would know what she wanted.
Ah, now I remember, said the saleslady. We don’t get as many requests for
them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra,
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked So, what are the differences?
The saleslady responded. It is all really quite simple The Catholic bra supports
the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps
them staunch and upright.
He mused on that information for a minute and said: Hmmm. I know I’ll regret asking,
but what does the Jewish bra do?
A Jewish bra, she replied, makes mountains out of molehills.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the Husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation they all agreed
that they would tell no one about where the skin came from.
After the surgery everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than ever ! All his Friends and relatives raved about his
youthful appearance especially his mother!
One day, while alone with his wife, and overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?
My darling, she replied, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.

A man goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a parrot, but it has to be a male parrot.
The shop owner proceeds to see the man a male parrot.
The next day the man comes back and yells at the shop owner telling him that he
sold him a female parrot instead of a male parrot.
The shop owner asks how the customer knows that the parrot is female.
The customer replies, Male parrots repeat everything I say, this is female because
it argues with everything I say!

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks.
The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune.
Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter
The Living Room or The Bedroom

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.
Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and
1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from
Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house, told my dog. we laughed a lot.

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN.
You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.
I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that
when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I’m so excited it’s time to take out the garbage.
What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda.
I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with
hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said I hope I don’t have the
same teacher next year I’m offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under!

Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if s he would like to lead the discussion on the
word tragedy. So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing
in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.
No, said Pelosi , that would be an accident.
A little girl raised her hand: If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff,
killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.
I’m afraid not, explained Pelosi. That’s what we would call great loss.
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: If the plane carrying you was struck by a friendly fire
missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.
Fantastic! exclaimed Pelosi, That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
Well, says Johnny, It has to be a tragedy, because it sure wouldn’t be a great loss.
and you can bet it wouldn’t be an accident either!
The teacher left the room.

Three California surgeons were playing golf one Saturday and they started to brag
on their accomplishments. The first one said I had a patient that cut off four fingers
on a table saw and I reattached them so well he now is playing the guitar in a band!
The second doctor said I had a patient who was in a bad motorcycle accident and lost
his leg and arm. I reattached them and now he’s training for the Olympic gymnast team!
The third said That’s pretty good, but I had a patient who was riding her horse
down a railroad track and was hit by a high speed train.
All they could find was the horse’s ass and her hair.
I put them together and now she’s the Speaker of the House.

WHO SAYS MEN DON’T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and oes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in
deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his
eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What’s the matter, dear? she whispers as she
steps into the room, Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
and you were only 16? he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking
that her husband is so caring sensitive. Yes, I do she replies. The husband paused.
The words were not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the
back seat of my car? Yes, I remember said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The husband continued. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?
I remember that too she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said
I would have gotten out today.

Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the
eye and said Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor,
she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.
She asked Ole his occupation. Diesel fitter he replied. Since diesel fitters was a
skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week. When Sven found out he was furious.
He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting
double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained: when I looked it up, panty
stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.
What skill? yelled Sven. I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says,
Yep, diesel fitter.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.