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‘We Must Follow The Science!’ Screams Actor Who Believes Xenu Dumped Frozen Aliens Into Volcanoes And Exploded Them With Bombs 75,000,000 Years Ago SATIRE
Babylon Bee ^ | December 17, 2020 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 12/20/2020 12:45:03 PM PST by gattaca

LONDON—While filming the next Mission Impossible movie, an actor who believes Xenu stacked frozen aliens around volcanoes and then flew Douglas DC-8s over them to drop hydrogen bombs and blow them all to smithereens some 75,000,000 years ago shouted at his crew for not wearing masks and not listening to the science.

"We must listen to the science, do you understand me!?" shouted the man who follows the idea that a space lord alien dude came to Earth, then known as Teegeeack, part of a sector called the Galactic Confederation, and blew up a bunch of his people, which transformed them into thetans. "I'm sick and tired of all the ignorant beliefs going around this set! Come on, man!"

"Alright, I'm off to go clear some clusters of thetans off my body," he said, referring to his belief that the volcanoed, bombed aliens transformed into metaphysical creatures called "thetans" and now attach themselves to humans, and then must be cleared through a process that involves meditation, introspection, and giving the Church of Scientology millions of dolllars. "When I get back, I want everyone to be following..."

He left a dramatic pause here.

"... THE SCIEEEEEEENCE!!!"


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; clambake; operationclambake

1 posted on 12/20/2020 12:45:03 PM PST by gattaca
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To: gattaca

“C’mon, man!”


2 posted on 12/20/2020 12:46:51 PM PST by BradyLS (DO NOT FEED THE BEARS!)
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To: gattaca

L. Ron and the wall of fire


3 posted on 12/20/2020 12:47:10 PM PST by clamper1797 (We are getting close to the last "box")
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To: gattaca

How is this satire? As a High Thetan Scientologist Grand PooBah that’s what he believes !


4 posted on 12/20/2020 12:49:41 PM PST by Reily
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To: gattaca

Tom Cruise shouldn’t be yelling at anyone. If he is “clear” he won’t get sick. But I’ll bet he still goes to a doctor once in awhile.


5 posted on 12/20/2020 12:53:29 PM PST by dynachrome ( “The people have spoken . . . and they must be punished.” Ed Koch)
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To: gattaca

I believe science just not “That” science. Cause hey all the planets revolve around the earth, right?

from Wiki
Medicine bad science

Theory of the four bodily humours (see also Four temperaments)

Heroic medicine – a therapeutic method derived from the belief in bodily humour imbalances as the cause of ailments.

Miasma theory of disease – the theory that diseases are caused by “bad air”. No experimental support, and rendered obsolete by the germ theory of disease.

Phrenology – a theory of highly localised brain function popular in 19th century medicine.

Homeopathy – a theory according to which a disease can be cured by infinitesimal doses of the substance that caused it

Eclectic medicine – Transformed into alternative medicine, and is no longer considered a scientific theory

Physiognomy, related to phrenology, held that inner character was strongly correlated with physical appearance

Tooth worm, an erroneous theory of the cause of dental caries, periodontitis, and toothaches

OH but that was all just “bad” science


6 posted on 12/20/2020 1:02:39 PM PST by Ndorfin (Kitties,titties, and fiddies oh, and no sickies)
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To: dynachrome

Don’t forget...that idiot is a scientologist.

Leah Remini did the country and world really a great service by exposing that CULT, (and that’s exactly what it is) in that multi episode series she did on scientology.....its way worse than I thought.

In short....he’s brainwashed Jim.


7 posted on 12/20/2020 1:11:58 PM PST by V_TWIN (Where's Hunter???)
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To: gattaca

Cruise is one hell of a weird dude. Anyone notice that he hasn’t been seen around his daughter in 10 years? Supposedly because her mom refuses to allow her to be raised by Scientology therefore the mom and the daughter were tagged as “SP” Suppressive Person and Scientology forbids any Scientologist from having contact with an SP.


8 posted on 12/20/2020 1:15:49 PM PST by GrandJediMasterYoda (As long as Hillary Clinton remains free equal justice under the law will never exist in the USA)
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To: gattaca
So you have questions about Scientology...
9 posted on 12/20/2020 1:25:22 PM PST by null and void (My President is a Person Of Color, Orange is a Color...)
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To: gattaca
‘We Must Follow The Science!’ Screams Actor Who Believes Xenu Dumped Frozen Aliens Into Volcanoes And Exploded Them With Bombs 75,000,000 Years Ago SATIRE

How is this satire, though? Tom Cruise does believe this, and he also thinks we must "follow the science". It's amazing how many people who believe we must "follow the science" never took a single science course after middle-school and are superstition-filled idiots.
10 posted on 12/20/2020 1:41:51 PM PST by AnotherUnixGeek
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To: gattaca

“”... THE SCIEEEEEEENCE!!!””

All science is unsettled. Please make a note of it.


11 posted on 12/20/2020 2:09:45 PM PST by equaviator (If it seems like it's too bad to be true then maybe it isn't.)
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To: gattaca

Hail Xenu!


12 posted on 12/20/2020 2:14:14 PM PST by dfwgator (Endut! Hoch Hech!)
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To: gattaca

Tom’s not just another brainwashed true believing cult member, he’s also a victim of Scientology’s cleverly constructed and emotionally seductive trap. L Ron’s zombie minions target high profile people, celebrities especially, cater to their whims, stroke their egos, soothe their personal and professional insecurities, and use them as magnets to raise money and recruit more suckers.
Unfortunately, Tom’s mind is closed, he swallowed L Ron’s toxic enchilada whole (but he’s still a taco short of a combination plate) now Tom’s incapable of rationally addressing Scientology’s goofy origin myths (listed above) or how the policy of completely ostracizing even close family members for questioning the church’s idiot dogma alienates fathers and daughters from mothers and sons and destroys families.
Moreover, Scientology not only reduces members to financial dependency, it demands absolute obedience, forces it’s elite officers to sign billion year contracts, treats them like indentured servants, spies on them, and throws them out for thought crimes like questioning L Ron’s apotheosis or Scientology’s version of revealed wisdom, or worst of all asks where the money goes. But, that’s enough about the ugly cult of Bogusology. It sucks, stay away from it.

BTW, Tom was just being a dirty mouth flaming Maskhole.


13 posted on 12/20/2020 2:37:12 PM PST by Knocker (Tell the truth and run like hell)
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To: gattaca

Proof that those who believe in nothing will fall for anything.


14 posted on 12/20/2020 3:56:33 PM PST by Ruy Dias de Bivar
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To: Knocker
BTW, Tom was just being a dirty mouth flaming Maskhole.

And, knowing his tirade would be leaked, trying to drum up publicity for his new movie.

15 posted on 12/20/2020 4:13:24 PM PST by Lizavetta
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