A Kentucky man is in a boat on the Ohio river fishing when he sees a
leak in the boat. The water rushes in too fast for him bail out and
he yells for help. A man on the Indiana side of the river hears his
urgent calls for help. The sun is going down and the Indiana man pulls
a flashlight from his pocket. He yells to the Kentucky man and tells
him that he will turn on the flashlight and the Kentucky man should
climb on the beam and walk over to safety. The Kentucky man replies,
You must think that I’m a real dummy. I’ll get half way there and
you’ll turn it off.
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for
social security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
Will I have to go home and come back now? he asked.
The woman said, Unbutton your shirt.
So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of silver, curly hair.
She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me. And she
processed his social security application.
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at
the social security office.
She sniffed at him, You should have dropped your pants, you might have
qualified for disability, too.
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily
activity level. The patient described a typical day this way:
Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down
several rocky hills,
Stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and took
four leaks behind big trees.
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, You must be one hell of
an outdoors man!
Oh no, the patient replied,
I’m just a shitty golfer.
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money
on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in
a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because
she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he’d given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
Why can’t pollacks eat pickles.
They can’t get their heads in the jar.
To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far,
but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot.
A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.
After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says,
You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.
With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball,
watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot
from where it had started.
Of course, says the old man, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.
BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
RAISIN A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET A story you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES Something other people have similar to my character lines.
OLD I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, Are you having it catered? and that, my friend,
is the definition of ‘OLD’
Do you like to blow bubbles?
“yes”
Well he’s back in town and looking for you.
In youth, the days are short and the years are long.
In old age, the years are short and days long.
My buddy was a single guy living at home with his father and working
in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his
sickly father died. Tom wanted two things:
to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
I may look like just an ordinary man, he said to her,
but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can’t figure out how to get started. Her neighbor asks,
What is it supposed to be when it’s finished? The little silver haired
lady says, According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.
He takes her hand and says, Secondly, I want you to relax.
Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then, he said with a deep sigh
Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.
Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a Fortune 500 Company hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour
of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was
full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, How much money do you make a week? A little surprised,
the young man looked at him and said, I make $400 a week. Why?
The CEO said, Wait right here. He walked back to his office, came back in
two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, Here’s four weeks pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back. Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked
around the room and asked, Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?
From across the room a voice said, Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.
The husband gets back from the the golf course after 9:00 pm, grey faced
with exhaustion, soaked with sweat.
The wife stares at him, upset and baffled. Where have you been!?
It was horrible! Right in the middle of the third fairway, near that
sand trap, Harry drops dead, from a heart attack!
The rest of the day, it was hit the ball, d
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.
The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: Easy,Pete, we won’t be long-easy, boy.
The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say: It’s okay, Pete.
Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, son.
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart.
Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, Pete, Pete, relax buddy, don’t get upset.
We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, Pete. Very impressed, she goes outside
to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says: It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no
matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.
Pete is very lucky to have you as his grandpa. Thanks, says the grandpa,
but I am Pete. This little brat’s name is Kevin.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
Do you want to go to heaven? The man said, I do, Father. The priest said,
Then stand over there against the wall. Then the priest asked the second man,
Do you want to go to heaven? Certainly, Father, the man replied. Then stand
over there against the wall, said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to
O’Toole and asked, Do you want to go to heaven? O’Toole said, No, I don’t Father.
The priest said, I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you
don’t want to go to heaven? O’Toole said, Oh, when I die , yes.
I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,
Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed
as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each
back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
Kathleen staring at him from across the room She said,
You were drunk again last night weren’t you? Paddy said, Why would you say such a
mean thing? Well, Kathleen said, it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it’s all those
Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: So what’s bothering you?
She replies: Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.
The priest says: Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?
Certainly father, she replied. He said: Please Mary, put down that damn gun.
Young girl seen walking and pulling a big bull down a country path.
“Whatcha’ doin’ young lady?” asked a passing farmer.
“Pa wants me to take him down the hill to mate with the cows.”
Seein’ her kind of struggling, he asked, “Can’t your father do that?”
She paused for a second, and then, “Nope. It’s gotta’ be a bull.”
Guy takes two rabbits to a taxidermist.
“Want them mounted?
“Nope, just holdin’ hands.”
“Got slapped in church yesterday”
“What happened?”
“We were standing and singing hymns, and the lady in front of me was wearing a skirt that was kinda’ bunched up into her butt. So, being a gentleman, I leaned over the pew and pulled her skirt out. Then she turned around and gave me a real rotten look. So, I leaned forward and tucked it back in.”
“And then what?”
“She turned around and slapped me!”
Inga Swenson was working in her garden. It was an unusally hot Norwegian day.
As she was admiring her work, she thought a beer would hit the spot. After
cleaning up, she went to the local pub. Ole Jorgenson, the bartender,was
surprised to see her. Inga had only been to the pub once or twice and always
had the same one beer. “Hello, Inga!”, Ole asked “Anheuser Busch?” “Oh it’s
fine tanks, Ole. An how’s your weener?”, she replied.