Posted on 09/18/2020 6:34:31 AM PDT by Colonial35
Three scotswomen are walking home at night (they are neighbors) and find a scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon and they can’t see who he is; however, they would like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt and says, “It’s not my husband”. The second woman looks under his kilt and says, It’s not my husband”. The third woman looks under his kilt and says, “Why he’s not even from our village!”
A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to
gather support for his re-election.?? When Obama discovered the cowboy was from
President Bush’s home area, he started to belittle him by talking in a southern
drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.??
The cowboy says, “Y’all havin’ some problem with them circle flies?”
Obama stopped talking and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they’re called,
but I’ve never heard of circle flies.”
“Well, sir,” the cowboy replies, “Circle flies hang around ranches.??
They’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse.”
“Oh,” Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.?? But a moment later he stops and
bluntly asks, “Are you calling me a horse’s a$$?”
“No, sir,” the cowboy replies, “I have too much respect for the citizens of this
country to call their president a horse’s a$$.”
“That’s a good thing,” Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
“Hard to fool them flies, though.”
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store,
so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he
thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition,
he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,
and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand),
so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew
a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a
picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business.
an englishman, a scotsman and an irishman sit down in a pub and each order a pint.
unfortunately each pint has a fly in it.
the englishman pushes his pint back, and demands a fresh one without a fly.
the scotsman removes the fly and proceeds to drink his pint.
the irishman pulls the fly out, hits it and screams, “spit it out ye wee bastard!!”
20 Clever Words
Read Slowly & You Will See the Light
1. ARBITRATOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER
A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES
What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK
What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY
How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX
Two physicians!
13. PARASITES
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST
A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE
What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE
Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!
17. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official!
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes,
picks up his putter and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the
second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband.
“Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
"Can I draw you a beer Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
"How's a beer sound Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?"
"Going Down?"
"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."
"What'll it be Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer & a snorkel."
"What would you say to a beer Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."
"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"What'd you say Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."
"What would you say to a beer Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"
(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."
"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."
"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Woody."
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
Last year, little Johnny went Trick-or-Treating all by himself
He was dressed as a pirate. nd a really great costume.
Sadly, his hat was way too big and kept falling over his eyes.
Needless to say, he was in a right state by the time he got to my house.
When he rang my door bell, I said- “Oh what a great costume!!!
You’re a pirate!!! But you are all by yourself,
Johnny!! Where’s your buccaneers???
“Under my buccan’ hat, Mister. Now give me some #@$%! candy!!”
A man goes to the doctor and says: “Doc I’m having trouble with
my ‘marital relations’.”
Doctor says: “Here’s what I want you to try.
Every day, walk ten miles...and call me in a week.”
A week later, the man calls: “Doc, I’ve been doing like you said.”
Doctor: “And how how are your ‘marital relations’?”
Man: “I don’t know. I’m 70 miles form home.”
WARNING: OLDER MEN SCAM
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.
I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.
A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe’s, Home Depot,
Costco, BJ’s, and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck
as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their skimpy
T-shirts (It’s impossible not to look).. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say ‘No’ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th,
& 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and
very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us
older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.
I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in
three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald’s.
I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe’s, to Home Depot,
to Costco, Etc.
The gal from California was on a road trip and stopped in for a drink in Cody, Wyoming. She ordered a beer at the bar and looked at the older guy next to her and said “Wow - are you a real Cowboy?”
Why yes, I suppose I am. Not like the Old West, but I spend enough time on a horse, I round up cattle in the spring and brand them like they did 100 years ago. Of course I drive a truck to fix the fences and take care of the irrigation ditches. Go to sleep at night thinking about the cows and the ranch and the fence and the chores. So yeah - I’m a cowboy. How about you?”
“Oh - well I’m a lesbian.”
“Huh - what’s that?”
“Well - I like women. I like how they smell. I like how they feel. I like their hair. I go to sleep at night and think about women!”
“Huh. Well then - I guess then I’m really a lesbian cowboy!”
Nice!
Rodney Dangerfield told that joke.
Another one.
“So my wife and I agreed to quit smoking except after sex. I’m on the same pack.”
.
.
.
My wife is up to two packs a week!”
***************************
“Boy - talk about sex. My wife is loud!!
.
.
.
I got home from work early - you should have heard her yelling at me when I walked into the bedroom!”
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’, they asked.
‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project’ said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
‘Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.’
‘We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’
‘What did you watch?’ asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.’ answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’
‘I’m ashamed of you Son,’ said John. ‘When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.’
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that
nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Tommy.
After all, He is your son!’
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
Little Akio ! ! !
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.
“Very good! — Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth’?”
Again, no response except from Little Akio: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing, “Let’s try one a bit more difficult —
Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you,
but what you can do for your country’?”
Once again, Akio’s was the only hand in the air and he said: “John F. Kennedy, 1961.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves,
Little Akio isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F_ _ k the Japs.”
“Who said that? — I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks, ‘All right! — Now who said that?”
Again, Little Akio says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? — Suck this!”
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
“Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said,
“You little s—t! — If you say anything else — I’ll kill you!”
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice,
“Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.”
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, “Oh s—t, We’re screwed!”
Little Akio said quietly, “The American people, November 6, 2012.”
Important Lesson!!!
Mark was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
Mark took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.”
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” Mark asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on deer corn to hunt deer instead of food?” Mark asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t hunted in 20 years!”
“Well,” said Mark, “I’m not going to give you money.
Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked
by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that???”
Mark replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like
after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting!”
A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER
I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, “I want to live forever.”
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”
“OK,” I said, “Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!”
“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.
My favorite animal...
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right,
because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because
you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t
like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now...
Heheh. Good one.
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