Posted on 09/18/2020 6:34:31 AM PDT by Colonial35
Three scotswomen are walking home at night (they are neighbors) and find a scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon and they can’t see who he is; however, they would like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt and says, “It’s not my husband”. The second woman looks under his kilt and says, It’s not my husband”. The third woman looks under his kilt and says, “Why he’s not even from our village!”
True story. I was at a friend’s house and his older brother claimed he had invented a mind control device. It was a short piece of 2”x 4” with some nails and wires.
He went up to his mom and spoke in a robotic voice while pressing the various nails and wires. “You. will. make. me. a sandwich. and. chocolate. milkshake.
The mom grabbed the 2x4 and started whacking him over the head and swearing at him as she chased him out of the house.
Even though I was just a kid, I decided not to hang out inside their house anymore.
I still played in the street and yard though.
Dave Allen told it well back in the day.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa..
‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet,
a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand,
and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linquistic conference held in London,
England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world,
Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED
in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”
On the difference between authority and power:
The tax assessor wanted to visit Farmer Joe’s farm.
Knowing that assessments never fail to go up, Farmer Joe refused him entry.
The assessor insisted he could get a warrant. Farmer Joe didn’t budge.
Several hours later, the assessor returned and showed Farmer Joe a piece of paper.
“This paper,” the assessor informed him, “gives me the authority to go
anywhere on your farm I please.”
Farmer Joe said, “Be my guest. The pasture’s unlocked.”
So, the assessor went out and entered the pasture to begin his assessment.
He was about halfway to the barn when he heard a snort emanating from its dark,
cavernous interior. The assessor froze in his tracks.
It was too late, for the bull had espied him and was now determined to run
him into the ground.
The assessor turned and ran toward the opposite side of the field.
He noticed Farmer Joe leaning calmly against the fence and screamed,
“Do something!!!!”
Farmer Joe laconically replied, “Just show him your paper.”
That’s a good one!!
How about a beer Norm?
I’m not drinking beer any more, but I’m not drinking it any less either, so pour me one.
How about a beer Norm?
I’m not drinking beer any more, but I’m not drinking it any less either, so pour me one.
Doubt this is true but good for a laugh:
Some men carry their diplomacy better than others
When former U.S. military commander in Afghanistan Stanley McChrystal
was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things
weren’t going to go well when the President accused him of not
supporting Obama in his political role as President.
“It is not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it is
my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief,” McChrystal replied.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal’s resignation the President
made a cheap parting shot. “I bet when I die you’ll be happy to piss
on my grave.”
The General saluted. “Mr. President, I always told myself after
leaving the Army I’d never stand in line again.”
Some tips for avoiding the flu:
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR ….
You can take the doctor’s office approach.
Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs.
So……
I walk to the liquor store (exercise),
I put lime in my Corona (fruit),
celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies),
drink on the bar patio (fresh air),
get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress)
and then pass out (rest).
The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!
A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her
obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said,
“My husband wants me to ask you...”, to which the doctor replies
“I know...I know...” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
“I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed.
“He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
Dangerfield had one that I cannot forget. The wife forgets to put out the garbage and the truck is going down the street. She yells to the truck driver “am I too late for the garbage” and the truck driver replies “no jump in”. But it could have been Buddy Hackett who told the joke.
OMG, that is perfect.
Joe Biden walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful woman sitting at a table. He sits next to her. He says, “So...do I come here often?”
LOL. A punchline like that brings to mind some of the stories Walter Williams used to tell about the Christmas gifts he used to get for his wife. They were hilarious. A few I remember:
Ping
A man is out golfing and makes a hole-in-one. As he scoops his ball out of the cup, a leprechaun pops out.
“Congratulations! A hole in one! That is amazing” , says the leprechaun.
The man smiles “It’s even more amazing considering what a lousy golfer I am. I wish I was better.”
“Well”, says the leprechaun, “This is your lucky day. Because of your hole in one, I will grant you one wish. But, it comes with a condition. Something will have to suffer. For one year, you will play the most amazing golf of your life. BUT your sex life will be very poor”
It’s a no-brainer for the golfer. And he accepts the wish with conditions.
A year goes by and he sinks another hole in one on the same course as before. As he picks up the ball, the same leprechaun pops out. “It’s you again! How was your year?”
“I have had the most incredible year!!! I won the PGA, the US Open, the British Open. In the Masters, I set a record low score on the second day.” says the man.
“Ahhh”, says the leprechaun, with a sly smile. “And you sex life? (he winks), How was that?
“I got laid twice!”, says the man.
“See? I told you that you’d have a bad sex life for a year”, says the leprechaun.
“Bad?!”, says the man. “Twice is pretty good for a small parish priest!!”
A lady owned a dog. She was afraid the dog was going deaf. She took the dog to a vet. The doctor ran a test. Then the doctor got a small pair of scissors and removed lots of excess hair from inside the dogs ears. Then the doctor took and ointment and rubbed it inside the dog’s ears to remove excessive hair.
The doctor said “Ma’am, this ointment is expensive. Just go to the drug store, get some Nair hair removal, and use this on your dog’s ears occasionally.
The lady goes to the drug store and picks up some Nair. As the pharmacist is ringing it up, he says “Now when you use this on your legs, avoid wearing hose and socks for a couple of days because they will irritate your skin.” She says “I’m not going to use it on my legs.” The pharmacist says “When you use this under your arms, avoid using anti-perspirant because it will irritate your skin.” She said “I’m not going to use it under my arms.” The pharmacist said “Where are you going to use it?” She said “On my Schnauzer.” He said “Okay. Avoid riding a bike for a couple of days.”
The Scotsman is the one who assaults the fly. The joke is on how cheap the Scots are.
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