THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married,
or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time
you see a bottle of wine:
Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an
elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo
man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.
The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw,
studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old man.
Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.’
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
‘Good trade.....’
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks.
The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune.
Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter -—— The Living Room or The Bedroom
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.
Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher
fired for drinking on the job.
I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from
Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN.
You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.
I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee
it cleans the toilet.
Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I’m so excited -— it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda.
I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer
for good clean fun.
Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t
have the same teacher next year”.... I’m offended.
Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under!!!!!!!!!!
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house,
did you close your garage door?’
The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office
puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door’
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’
She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a
tree when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
Transcript of internal debate at the CDC:
Fauci: Hey, guess what? We did it! We finally forced them all to wear masks!
Redfield: You’re kidding?
Birx: No f**king way!
Adams: Even POTUS?
Fauci: Yes, even POTUS, he finally caved!
Birx: Cool! So Tony, what do we do now?
Fauci: First I think I’ll show up at a baseball game NOT wearing one, just so I can lord it over everybody how we are the ones who are really superior to them.
Redfield: That would be AWESOME! But once you’ve done that what are we ever going to do to top this?
Fauci: That’s easy....goggles! Face shields!
Adams: ooooooh....I like the way you think Tony!
Fauci: Twelve hours after I’m done giving my interview to
CNN the lawn and garden shelves at Home Depot are
gonna look like the toilet paper section at Target
in April.
Birx: If we can make them wear masks AND shields, why, we
can make them wear ANYTHING!
Fauci: Yes, indeed. Ankle bracelets, cowboy hats,
those silk disco shirts that went out of style in 1979, handcuffs lined with fur...
Adams: Ballgags? Please please PLEASE can we do ballgags?
Fauci: No, Jerome, no one would ever see them under the
masks.
Redfield: I know....let’s make them wear their underwear
on the OUTSIDE! I saw that one in a movie once.
It was hilarious!
Birx: I don’t know. Wearing my bra on the outside? The
Playtex Pretty Petite #304 clashes with most of my
scarves.
Fauci: All in favor.....
Thank you. Needed the chuckle. :)
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?
The father said: “Why, my son, it is a ‘chechia.’
In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a ‘djbellah.’
As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing.
My djbellah protects the entire Body,
The son then asked: “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
“These are ‘babouches’ my son,” the father replied. You must understand that
although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot.
These babouches’ keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son…”
“Why are you living in Colorado
and still wearing all this s**t?
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis’
A sign in the front window of a business in VP Pence’s home town in Indiana reads....
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA, HILLARY CLINTON, NANCY PELOSI,
HARRY REID, ALL THE ELITES OF CONGRESS, THE MASS MEDIA, AND ALL OF HOLLYWOOD
THAN WITH ONE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN!!!
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting,
Indiana (VP Pence’s home town).
You are probably either outraged, or saddened, or elated, depending on your
political persuasion. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech
as perhaps our greatest liberty; and after all…it is just a sign.
You may ask, what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: Owen’s Funeral Home (You Gotta love the Midwest, eh!) ?
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked
a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer;
and he threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin,
“Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.
1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes.
Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese.
FINE, it was a pizza.. I ate a pizza, are you happy ?
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply
in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young,
I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below
zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.
I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night.
He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 4, 2018 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time.
Hope you didn’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
ISTER MARY ANN’S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to
wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’!!
Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer: ‘OK.’
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’
At a nunnery, the beloved mother superior fell ill and clearly had not long to live.
To ease her final days, the nuns began putting a little whisky in her
daily bowl of milk.
On the mother superior’s final day, the nuns crowded around her and one said,
“Mother, you are so wise. You must have some sage advice to leave to us.”
The mother superior sat bolt upright and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
It’s great to see a silliness thread again. Thanks for starting it.
Here is my contribution:
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Tickets, please!” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom, and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets, please!”
