Posted on 02/15/2019 11:05:02 AM PST by sodpoodle
Today I was in a store named “Sunglasses Only”. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today?” I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
May you always have: Love to share, Cash to spare, and Friends who care.
...and I do, my friends!
That's a perfect Bill Engvalism.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
"Heck no! The toilet is stopped up and ya'll will have to use the litter box! Here's your sign."
Save money with a direct burial!
= = = = = = = = = = = =
Ask your funeral director if they have a lay away plan.
When you call an office and someone says
“May I ask who’s calling”
respond with
“Of course you can!!”
pregnant pause
“You asked if you could ask. I said you can ask”
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I don’t remember who gets tied up first.
I'm fairly certain that is why that question is now set up on all forms with check boxes rather than a blank space.
How Children perceive their Grandparents......
- My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
- After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
- A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
- I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
- When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
- A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
- Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
- A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
- Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
- My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
Ok. I really bombed out at the staff meeting today when I answered the question “What steps should you take during a fire?”. My answer: F*!@&in’ big ones!!
Never got why there were so many places that were anti que.
My five year old son was with us on vacation and we stopped to eat at an IHOP. We walk in and the manager greeted us and my son says, do you sell pancakes here? I am cringing at this point, but the manager says, we might find one or two laying around somewhere for you.
My uncle was a cop and at a McDonalds drive thru ordering some lunch and places his order, “I want two cheeseburgers and a large coffee”. The ditz on the other end says do you want cheese on those cheeseburgers? He replies, no I’ll just take the regular cheeseburgers this time. With that she was happy as a lark.
My wife and I were going through the checkout at Walmart a few years ago and I was very gray headed and in my early 40’s at the time and buying a brick of .22LR bullets. The little dingbat ringing me up looks at me and says with the seriousness of cancer, are you 18 years of age or older and me looking like a poster boy for a Grecian formula commercial. But I was nice and said yes ma’am. My wife shoots me a look like be nice!
Next question pops up on the dingbats register, are these for a handgun or rifle she asks? I said they will work in either. Dingbat proceeds to blink several times and is still looking at me with a big question mark on her face and my wife has this look of no, don’t do it! I finally said well I use these bullets for shooting my cows between the eyes when we kill them so lets go handgun on this cruise. More blinks with a look of horror hits her face and my wife’s got her head down muttering. Dingbat enters handgun and quickly finishes ringing us up and gets us on our way. Here’s your sign I wanted to say...
I was in Rite Aid the other day purchasing a $2.00 bar of candy. The cashier said do you have a credit card? I quickly replied yes but I am paying cash. She didn’t even crack a smile.
It’s funny ‘cause it’s true.
I was paying my tab to the black cashier at a Dallas IHOP.
When she gave me back too much change, I pointed it out to her and she was visibly shocked that honesty happens.
bookmark
The Best group this month.
This, unfortunately, is dictated by federal law. That's why the little twit is prompted to ask. Answer handgun, and you have to be over 21. Rifle, and you're good to go at 18.
By the end of their first year at a public school, we had them well UN-TRAINED, talking back to the teacher's, etc. It was a very rough neighbor hood, how rough? In High school (10th to 12th grades) we had ARMED (Long Island, New York) Suffolk County police men (approx 6, if I recall correctly, circa 1968 -1969/71) in school. How big of a school? I was part of the last class graduating, that had classes in the two building's. The next year they turn them into two separate High School's. Brentwood Sonderling High School, & Brentwood Ross High School.
Souce: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brentwood_High_School_(New_York)
Brentwood High School is a secondary school in Brentwood, New York, United States. It is one of the largest high schools in New York State, and is located in Suffolk County, Long Island.
June 27, 1971 was the last Brentwood senior class to graduate all together as one 1,400 body of students enjoying the now demolished Commack Arena as the commencement site.
Or “Often.”
I gave a mental midget $21 for a $16 purchase. I thought she was going stroke out. Had no clue.
lolol
Has your office held Active Shooter Drills?
Mine does. Had to take online course (30 minutes) and sit in a 1 hour presentation.
Run! Hide! Fight!
That’s basically it.
This is not a joke, was driving in upstate New York, and my wife turns to me and say's with a straight face, I guess we're entering the town of "Anti - que."
I had to pull over, was laughing so hard. She never did forgive for that. Plus it was no help, every time I'd see a sign "Antique(s)," I'd mention that we're entering the town of "Anti - que."
That’s coming up. I just can’t wait.
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