Posted on 07/13/2018 9:06:10 PM PDT by MountainWalker
It is important to do what you can to help in this situation. Both your stepmom and your dad need you. Do whatever you can and then some. Try not to think too much about yourself. It is a very trying time but ultimately it is an opportunity to grow and mature and to do the right thing in God. Unfortunately life is not always easy. The birth of your baby will truly be a blessing that will more than balance this very difficult and sad time.
A good book for you to ponder is “On Death and Dying” by Elisabeth Kuber-Ross.
It takes you through the stages/phases of grief. And, yes, you are experiencing some of them right now.
Also, click the link on my FR homepage for Beginning Experience and see if there is one in your area. It is a peer ministry designed to help people cope with death, divorce or separation.
“Maybe the best thing is to go see a counselor, as my wife has recommended. Or, maybe it’s just something I need to somehow ride out, that I’m just grieving, and it gets better with time, though I’m far from out of the woods yet. But, I’ll take whatever advice I can get. Even just writing this helps a little bit.
Thanks in advance for any prayers or advice and for listening.”
https://www.gotquestions.org/ is a good resource for Christian answers to life.
There is a good booklet called “Quiet Time - How to Meet with God” by Bill Smith. You can check it out at this link.
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Time-Guide-Daily-Renewal/dp/187994300X
May God bless you and your family and may you find God’s peace and joy in knowing Him better.
Amen, excellent suggestions!
Her daytime caregiver was a saint...she is the only reason I’m still sane, and she stayed 24/7 the last few days. She explained every downturn as it came, and what would help me cope. It is very hard not to try to defend oneself, but I finally learned, and it helped to pass that on to the group.
And I was really fortunate to have my sister, in California, call 2 times every single day, and all the times I was frustrated as well. Those 2 day calls were something Mom was able to remember.
Mountain Walker needs prayers and advice.
I never knew any of my grandparents, and I learned early that longevity did not run in my family. I can tell you that turning 70 last year was a goal I hoped I could reach. I'm working on 71. I don't know how long I have to live, but the only thing I ask God for is that I don't outlive my two sons.
I can't say I know what you are going through with your father's illness. I never had to care for a sick parent. Their illnesses were not lengthy, and since I lived out of the area, I wasn't able to be there when they passed. I did care for my sister while she went through chemo and radiation, and returned when she entered hospice care. I made the arrangements for her funeral, and cleared her apartment when she passed. I had never had to do that before. Thankfully I was retired by then and was able to do it all.
Perhaps having been through a divorce, and raising two children on my own, plus moving out of the area to take a job, forced me to become stronger and more independent. I was a prison guard for New York State, and having worked in only male prisons, I guess that toughened me up too.
I saw a counselor back in the late 70's when I was first separated from my then husband. I think it helped me in many ways. I realized that the pain I was feeling was normal, and learned quite a bit about my own bad choices. Whatever route you choose to take, I hope you can find some peace and comfort in your life, and I will pray for you and your family.
Hey man, so sorry, I feel for ya. I will tell pray for you and your family and your father. Just do the best you can and seek out others you can talk to who have been through the same experience. As support group will help.
My mom had dementia and died at 91 after several years of problems. It is wrenching & heartbreaking to watch. I will always wish I could have done more. It’s impossible to do enough, it’s just one of life’s regrets that can never be fully purged from ones thoughts.
Remember, you can only do what you can do.
So sorry to hear your story - prayers for you and your family. I lost both of my parents 3 months apart 3 years ago - my mother from Alzheimer’s and my father from dementia. I was their primary caretaker for two years. I still cry everyday when I see something that reminds me of them. I go through feelings of guilt that I was impatient and snippy to them sometimes when they got argumentative, or kept doing maddening things over and over. Wish I could go back with the understanding that they just couldn’t help it - they literally lost their minds.
But, I’m so glad that I had the opportunity to help them when they needed someone... it was truly a blessing to do it.
If you can, try to make a time as soon as you can to relieve your step-mother a bit and go to your father and take over some of the care duties of him - even if just a week - being a caretaker to someone you love is the hardest thing you will ever do - it exhausts you - not only physically, but mentally and spiritually too. Your step-mother sounds like a wonderful person.
Luckily, my parents were very spiritual people and Daddy would often tell me that someday we will all be reunited in heaven - and we’ll have a big feast together under a big tree. This makes me happy to think about and I know it will be true. Pray, pray, pray - it helps.
Has Hospice stepped in yet? They did for my father and that was a BIG help. They have groups you can join with others going through the same thing and they can prepare you for what is to come. Take advantage of that if you can.
As far as the guilt - just do the best you can for him now, while you can - it will be more of a blessing for you than for him. Most importantly - forgive yourself and move on. We all wish we could go back and do things better.
God bless you. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone - my mother suffered for ten years and in the end, she didn’t know anyone and couldn’t do anything for herself... I prayed for the Lord to just take her home! To just release her from her earthly prison. It is worse than death.
Treasure the time you have left with him - even though you might think that he doesn’t know you - we don’t really know and he might still be able to know that you are there.
Don’t feel bad, your father wouldn’t want that. Hold onto the memories and know that you were so very blessed to have known him and have him for your father.
My dad passed in 2007 after a long illness I know the pain and worry. I don’t have any new advice that hasn’t already been said, but I do have prayers for you and your family. God bless you all.
I know what you are going through. I have lost my mom and dad and a couple of sisters. I’m praying for you and since you have asked for prayers I know you still have faith. I’m going to be praying for your stepmom too. She sounds like a real angel. Your family is very lucky to have her.
Take your case to Christ. He is the only one who can truly help.
Wrap your arms around his Cross and hold on for dear life.
I know it sounds trite, but if you will, he will carry you through.
As the words from the hymn says, “He can do anything but fail!”
In the end, regrets must be put aside because there is no changing the past. Put everything into what you can do going forward. If you take that approach, you will soon realize that there is much that you can do to be a better and more loving person to those who matter to you.
In addition, check into Alzheimer's and dementia caregiver support groups. Talking through these kinds of issues with people who are also experiencing them can help. Also, you ought to take spiritual stock based on your faith. Prayer helps.
Finally, be assured that your father knew your faults and failures but loved you anyway. He long ago forgave you for anything that needed to be forgiven. You now need to forgive yourself.
Prayers for you and your family.
I’m sorry you are going through so much pain.
That was very courageous of you to open up like that on Free Republic. It appears you started a trend with other Freepers and their similar stories. There are a lot on this thread.
Anyhow, the good news is you are not alone in this. As you can read there are many other Freepers have similar or worse stories. You still have your family and your father too.
Here is what I can tell you I hope helps you in you out.
Take that leap of faith. I am talking about surrendering to our Lord, Savior and King Jesus Christ. I did in 2008 and it changed my life forever.
For the record in case you are thinking here comes some religious nut job. Haha! That’s hardly case. For the record, I’ve done the full circle when it comes to God. Grew up in a Christian family, learned about the Bible, went to church, but it slowly faded away over time. Never really believed it, found it boring, uninteresting and I could not relate it to my life. Nevertheless, I would still do it just in case I was wrong, and overall they had good messages. Eventually though I became an Atheist in my college years and was for a little over a decade after that.
However, I eventually came back to church after September 11th, 2001. At the time I did not have a strong relationship, but it was a lot better than before. It was not until I hit rock bottom and found myself desperately seeking answers. I took that leap one night because I became too worldly. Thought I could make things work doing it my way, and well yeah that was a disaster.
Nevertheless, when I really surrendered it really worked. When I mean “really” I mean I meant it in my heart. I just was not saying it and thinking it. I really meant it in my heart. That was the hard part for me. Why you might ask?
Well I remember all my life prior to this hearing and reading about others doing this, but just thought it was wishful thinking on their part and oh well that’s nice. Even in some instances I privately thought the people that said it had psychological issues. This was because I never experienced what they were talking about. It was foreign to me.
I learned how to mean it my heart. For instance, when I was a kid and my mother told me she loved me. I knew that in my heart. There was no question about it. I felt that in my heart. Well that’s how I learned to do it. KNOWING something is going to happen without any doubt. So applying that method along with words and thought is what made the difference.
Anyway, take that leap. Say it, think it and know it in your heart though Jesus Christ and your life will change. Don’t just think it or say it, but mean it in your heart (that 3rd part is so important and what most people miss). All you have to do is ask it, and will change your life for the better. It did that to me back in 2008.
Now do I still Sin? Yes absolutely. Humans will always Sin. It is in our nature. The difference is as a Christian you recognize it and ask for forgiveness vs before you might think about it for a minute, but that was it.
Now when you ask for forgiveness you have to mean it in your heart. God can read your hart and that is what counts. You can’t fool God like a get out of jail free card. If you have a struggle like everyone else on the planet, then you will need to continue to work on it.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
We can’t do this world on our own. Reach out to God though Jesus Christ and He will make life much better for you.
As for your father and his health here is what I know. Whenever we have a symptom or a disease (break it down to dis-ease of our body) then that is a sign we have nutrient deficiency. So if you flood your body with the missing nutrients. Things will turn around.
Here is what I hard read and heard. I am doctor, but you may want to look into this cheap fix. He needs to raw organic coconut oil hexen free daily, Nordic fish oil, Nascent iodine and a drink full of vitamins, minerals and trace minerals. Tangy Tangerine 2.0 will go a long way. It may take a couple weeks before you notice anything.
For you a B-Complex Vitamin will help you out a lot. Look into curcumin too. Heck get the Tangy Tangerine 2.0 for your self. You should notice a difference.
Again I am not a doctor. This is just what I read.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad's terrible illness and decline. I lost my own dad last August. He was 87, and I'm 65, so perhaps I was able to get through it a bit easier, knowing that it was about the right time for him to go anyway (if there is such a thing).
I won't try to counsel you, but I will say that I think you're doing the healthy thing by simply unburdening yourself by sharing your grief with us. I know from having recently gone through this loss, that it helps tremendously.
One thing that helped me more than anything else, was to just let the grief roll out of me. Like any typical guy, it took me a couple days to let myself go, but when I did, a torrent of grief came out of me. I haven't cried that hard in too long to remember, and it went on for hours. But when it was over, I was in much, much better shape, than in the few days since his passing.
After that I was able to function, and managed all the logistics to get myself to his service, some 1,500 miles away. I was also in good shape to handle the heavy grief of other family members during that visit, because I'd already exhausted my own.
Peace to you, my friend.
Dementia is a rough ride for the individual and family.
Make it a point to line up all the resources available to your Dad.
And don’t beat yourself up about opportunities lost. Spend whatever time you can with your Dad. And don’t get upset if he forgets your name. Mention the memories that bring a smile, and as frequently as possible.
I was 10 years older than you when we dealt with dementia. I know for sure that at 40 YO, it would have been more difficult for me. So I hear where you’re coming from.
BTW, when reaching for Dad’s resources (e.g., social services,) also ask about groups and counseling that focus on the family.
Prayers up. And feel free to FReepmail me.
I’m very sorry for all you’re going through. I know it’s a terrible time, as I’ve been through it.
I’m not an expert at all, but from what you’ve written here, it does seem that you’ve started the process of grieving, even though your father is still living. Regrets, feelings of despair and despondency, longing for what used to be — that’s all part of grief. Read and re-read Philippians 4:8, especially when you feel overwhelmed.
You’re strong and you will come through it, but it’s a process and can take a while. Even years later, you might have sadness come in waves. As you already know, you’ll need to rely on prayer, your faith in God. Having been there, I don’t know how anyone gets through it without faith.
I can understand your feelings of disillusionment about your priest. My pastor has warned many times not to let our focus be on people. We just have to realize the human condition for what it is and leave it in God’s hands.
As for counseling, maybe look for a church that offers grief support. There’s a large church in my hometown that, although they don’t offer one-on-one counseling sessions, they do have a grief support group that meets once a week - so maybe look for something like that.
Prayers that you’ll have peace of mind and heart during this difficult time.
>> I lost my own dad last August.
Condolences, FRiend.
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