Posted on 07/10/2018 12:17:25 PM PDT by Simon Green
A few months before my 42nd birthday, I was out to dinner with friends and found myself seated next to a well-known older male writer.
I happened to be in the final stages of finishing a proposal for a memoir about being a single woman over 40 without children, and was inwardly marveling at the timing of our encounter. I was a fan of his. Perhaps he might offer some wisdom? Words of encouragement?
As drinks were delivered I sketched the outline of the story: No one had prepared me for how exhilarating life could be on my own. I was traveling all the time, doing what I wanted, when I wanted, released from the fear of the clock that had dogged me through my 30s. Conversely, no one had warned me of the ways in which it would actually be difficult; my mother had been very ill, for instance, and part of the book was about caring for her.
No sooner had I finished than the famous writer placed his glass firmly on the white tablecloth, leaned back and declared: “Glynnis MacNicol, you have a terrible life!”
Not exactly the feedback I was hoping for.
He continued: “You’re all alone in the world, and have no one to help you.” He turned to my friends, dramatically interrupting their conversation. “Do you know how terrible this woman’s life is? She’s all by herself!”
My friends managed to snort back their drinks, barely. “But I’m fine,” I protested lightheartedly, hoping to return the discussion to writing. “I’m quite enjoying myself.”
He took a disbelieving sip of his drink. “I want to help you,” he said. He then instructed our server to wrap up his untouched steak and insisted I take it home.
(Excerpt) Read more at nytimes.com ...
That's a whole other kettle of fish...I'll say this though: maintaining a close family unit is hard work just like anything else worth doing. We ALL screw it up sometimes, but with honesty, humility, and love, we hope we can fix what we mess up. Some folks don't and they pay for it dearly.
My wife is a social worker and I hear about it constantly. When you see kids that take off and don't come back to help, usually there's a reason that things went down that way. On the other end of the spectrum of screwed-upness, you see the ones who never leave home and STILL don't do anything to help. You've got a 60 year old loser kid living with their 80 year old dying parent and the parent is still making them 3 meals a day! My wife has to stage interventions for this kind of crap all the time. Boggles the mind. But the parents are just as responsible for things getting that way (maybe more so) as the kids are.
In the late 1980s, I was listening to legendary NYC-area talk show host Bob Grant while driving to work. (Grant’s kids were all grown up by then, and in fact his son had called in on election eve from California in 1988 to give a report on how Bush Sr was doing - I think he was a young reporter at the time.)
Anyway, to the point. Grant was musing about life in his own inimitable cranky way, and made the following statement:
“Don’t misunderstand what I am going to say. I love my kids. But if I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t have them.”
30 years and 4 kids later, I have to say that I completely understand this statement. In fact, I would probably agree with it.
Those who have a nice life with kids who grew up well in a loving home with two parents the whole way will check their brains out here because - if I may, I’ll speak directly to those of you in that group: You have absolutely no idea what it is like to be in an alternate reality that is all-too-real to probably half of the people out there.
That alternate reality goes something along the lines of: vindictive spouses get divorces and use the kids as pawns.
Trust me, anyone who has lived any part of THAT reality understands INSTANTLY what Bob Grant meant when he made that statement.
HOWEVER... when you talk about passing on what you learned from your parents, or from your own life, that I do understand. I have no children, but as an English teacher, I've had a chance to contribute a little, at least, to about 2,000 children so far. And I have developed a curriculum of classic novels that is very rooted to my own values and my parents and grandparents, so... the way you said that makes sense to me.
I don’t believe it, either.
My wife cannot have children and in our 50’s we have yet to have a single person disparage our life for it. In fact, we have a lot of friends that never had children. We also have lots of friends with children. It has never had any difference.
I’m one of those rare creatures, the lifelong straight bachelor.
And you know what? I may not be happy, but I’m not miserable. I think people approach the issue of happiness from the wrong direction. God doesn’t care that we’re happy. He cares that we do the right thing whenever there’s a tough choice to be made.
Looking back on some of the tough choices I have had to make, I am happy that I always treated women properly in a “gentleman of the old school” sort of way.
However, I realized at the same time that this sort of attitude seems to be a guaranteed formula for failure in the post-Sexual Revolution world.
For reasons I can only partly understand, today’s women say they want a man who “treats them right.” But in reality, if you give kindly, considerate, sincere interest to a woman, she will dismiss you as boring. You will be consigned permanently to the “friend zone.”
What they prefer is “bad boys.” You want women all over you, be a criminal.
And I should note that I am neither deformed, demented, nor destitute. I could stand to lose some weight — but that applies to half the population.
What I am is a traditional Catholic, and definitely bookish. I have had the dreaded “I” word (intellectual) applied to me, but I much prefer “scholar.”
After all, knowledge is everyone’s birthright, and not just for the elite. However, the Leftist elite don’t want to acknowledge this, hence the need for a word such as “intellectual.”
What I cannot be is a “bad boy” — hence I failed and failed and failed to attract a suitable partner. At 39, I gave up completely, and started to realize that being unattached had some big advantages.
Try this one: I have never been married, but I’ve also never been dragged into family court by a vengeful spouse and had my life destroyed. Obviously, I can’t condone men who abuse or cheat on their wives. But I’ve seen too many instances where the wife filed on the husband mainly because she had gotten bored after 10 years or so, and wanted out.
Marriage is supposed to be lifelong commitment made in the presence of God. I don’t recall anything in the marriage vows about “until boredom do we part.” Yet I submit that’s the cause of the vast majority of divorces.
I’ve written too much already. Being a lifelong bachelor today is like being Switzerland in the gender war. And if you’ve read your World War II history, you will know that Switzerland was able to maintain its neutrality largely because it was heavily armed and difficult to invade.
But is that really the purpose of life?
I know there are many who cannot have children, and they make use of their time to develop the traits that children teach us, if we're lucky. Self-sacrifice, unconditional love, patience, generosity. These are things that I have learned from my children, though I know that they can be learned other ways. Volunteering with one of many service organizations is such a way.
I'd much rather read an essay on how she is childless and selfless, caring, generous and patient.
YES! happened to someone i dearly loved. She’s 91, cooking for the 71 year old. she could barely get out of bed herself. we begged her to come live with us ( out of state) but he had her pretty well snookered. she’s in heaven now, and he’s eating take out food.
Why won’t anyone believe her? Maybe because nobody actually cares about her story that she claims she drones on about.
I’m one of those. Serious clinical depression on both my side and my wife’s; if a kid got the worst of both of us it would be seriously Bad News.
The dinner event as described is not believable. IOW, fabricated.
Which knocks down one (or more) notch for her declaration of being single, childless, over 40 yr old, and “HAPPY”.
Maybe in most progressive women’s definition of happiness is to make others as miserable as them, in that sense, this author is ‘correct’.
i think thats why my oldest did n’t have kids— so much lousy (SO MUCH!!!) on the husbands side, they decided not to take a chance. Youngest did not want kids when she was married, wanted kids after but would not go the single mom route, and now she’s over it.
I have had the grand kid spot filled by my son in laws niece, and it has worked for both of us, since her parents both suck out loud ( OUT LOUD). She is 18 now, no babies, no addiction problems, we did it!! Very proud of her and love her like she was my own.
Child-Free......Wow Avoided that didja ? Suspect the world is a better place that YOU did !
Not wanting children is one thing, but she’s basically saying she doesn’t want a significant relationship at ALL.
She wants to experience life by herself. That is sad.
But I will say this, I think it is easier for a woman to go through life without a man, than it is a man to go through life without a woman.
I something happened to my wife, I would marry again in a heartbeat. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex.
I just can’t find the same kind bonding relationship with anyone else except a female. I’ll admit it, I need it.
If I have children, it will be to strip-mine them in their earning years.
I wonder how many abortions she’s had.
My mom remarried after my dad died. My stepdad has a son (who had converted to Judaism!) and he had two incredible wonderful kids. So she got to be a grandma (and a Jewish grandma, kind of) without me having to do anything :-)
I’m involuntarily divorced here.
Hindsight - I’m glad it happened, but it really screwed up my kids in a permanent way. She got to 50, hit menopause, and basically exploded. The pent up crazy came out huge - the lying to the kids (one’s adopted, and that’s the cardinal no-no).
I’ve stayed away from dating in all forms for two years now, and I’m with you, but to be honest I have reservations. I know I’m lonely, but I see a lot of people in relationships that are lonely - alone with people in the room.
In a lot of cases, they’re essentially roommates.
I haven’t tried online dating yet, but it will eventually come to that I suppose.
Oy Vey!!! sometimes stuff just works out, doesn’t it!
She’s like a color-blind person claiming parity in sunset enjoyment with the normally sighted.
She has no way of knowing whether she’s as happy as people in happy families with children. She has no way even of perceiving that those joys exist.
I’ve had people, and I’ve had no people. People is better.
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