Posted on 12/29/2017 11:59:42 PM PST by Oshkalaboomboom
Looking back on 2017 is like waking up after a party where you made some poor decisions, such as drinking tequila squeezed from the underpants of a person you do not really know. (At least you hope it was tequila.)
The next day finds you lying naked in a Dumpster in a different state, smeared from head to toe with a mixture of Sriracha sauce and glitter. At first you remember nothing. But then, as your throbbing brain slowly reboots, memories of the night before, disturbing memories, begin creeping into your consciousness. As the full, hideous picture comes into focus, you curl into a ball, whimpering, asking yourself over and over: Did that really happen?
That’s how we feel about 2017. It was a year so surreal, so densely populated with strange and alarming events, that you have to seriously consider the possibility that somebody — and when we say “somebody,” we mean “Russia” — was putting LSD in our water supply. A bizarre event would occur, and it would be all over the news, but before we could wrap our minds around it, another bizarre event would occur, then another and another, coming at us faster and faster, battering the nation with a Category 5 weirdness hurricane that left us hunkering down, clinging to our sanity, no longer certain what was real.
Take “covfefe.” Remember? For a little while, it was huge. Everybody was talking about it! Covfefe! But then, just like that, it was gone. What the hell WAS it? Did it even really happen?
Another example: We have this vague memory that, for the briefest flicker of a moment, the White House communications director was a pathologically bronze man named Anthony Scaramucci, who — remember, this was the White House communications director — called up a reporter for the New Yorker and informed him, on the record, that he, Anthony Scaramucci, differed from White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon in that he, Anthony Scaramucci, THE WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, was not trying to commit an act of self-gratification that would be extremely challenging even for a professional contortionist.
Did THAT really happen?
And were there really thousands of people marching around Washington wearing vagina hats?
And did the Secretary of State really call the President of the United States a “moron?”
And did the president (of the United States!) respond by challenging the Secretary of State to compare IQ tests?
We want to believe that we imagined these things. But we fear we did not.
There’s one thing we definitely remember happening in 2017: the “fidget spinner” fad. This was huge, and for a good reason: It was extremely stupid. In terms of mental stimulation, fidget-spinning makes nose-picking look like three-dimensional chess. You mindlessly spin the thing around and around, accomplishing nothing. It’s an idiotic, brain-cell-destroying waste of time.
So it was the perfect fad for 2017.
The perfect artistic achievement was “The Emoji Movie,” which was released in July and was widely hailed by critics as possibly the stupidest movie ever made. It was the fidget spinner of movies. One of the emoji voices was provided by the distinguished British actor Patrick Stewart, who has been awarded many honors, including a knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II.
The role played by Sir Patrick Stewart was: Poop.
If that wasn’t the essence of 2017, we don’t know what was.
So now, finally, it is time to flush this turd of a year down the commode of history. But before we do, let’s don eclipse glasses to prevent retina damage, then take one last flinching look back at the events of 2017, starting with …
Funny...He knocks President Trump with humor...knocks Fox, CNN and all the other absurdities of 2017... Finally...humor without visciousness.
I used to read him regularly - I think he’s a lib but this is pretty funny.
The best is a new nickname: Mitch “Mojo” McConnell! Hilarious.
The most exciting Russian angle concerns an alleged “dossier” that allegedly alleges that Trump allegedly paid some alleged Russian prostitutes to allegedly urinate on an alleged bed that had allegedly been used by President Barack Obama during an alleged visit to Moscow.
There appears to be no evidence whatsoever that this allegation is true, but since it involves two U.S. presidents AND prostitutes AND urine, many major news outlets — you know who you are — have no journalistic alternative but to run with it.
The news here, the insanity here Mr. Barry, is that the FBI and the "Justice" Dept. "ran with it."
And that's the REAL news of 2017. A gargantuan Federal Government that willfully runs outside of the "consent of the People" with no oversight or criminal consequences.
A Republic teetering on self-immolation is no laughing matter, Mr. Barry.
You do realize Dave Barry is a humorist, right? It isn’t meant to be read as if William F. Buckley wrote it. More in line with Scott Adams.
Sophomoric cynicism is not “humor” to me.
Ouch.
What’s it to you?
Now, THAT was funny! Makes me think of Trump working to meet his agenda/promises with CNN's Acosta clinging to one leg and Jorge Ramos to the other.
I will remember 2017 as the year of You Can’t Make This S*** UP, because I have uttered that expression at least ten times a day for the last twelve months.
Anyway, it’s a long standing Dave Barry tradition to humorously summarize the year that was. Funny stuff.
Dave’s rearranged names are priceless!
Neil Gorsuch becomes “Lunch Orgies”.
His Christmas Gifts video is hilarious.
Bkmrk
A must read, ROFLMAO good
That column was a ton of work; maybe he writes it month by month.
I had a strong feeling it was going to be a “WHAT HAPPENED” year end recap!!!!
We should all have selfies with Hill’s book and shocked looks on our faces!!!
Happy New Year!
My daughter is a bookseller. She set a goal to sell 100 copies of Peter and the Starcatcher co-written by Dave Barry. It’s her favorite childrens book When she hit 200 copies, I wrote Dave Barry and asks him to thank her.
He sent a nice card. She was blown away. She just sold number 300 this week in about 18 months.
How nice!
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