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The Humor of Steven Wright
email from a friend and internet ^ | 12/01/2017 | Steven Wright

Posted on 12/01/2017 6:23:32 AM PST by sodpoodle

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . here are some of his gems:

  1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.  2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.  3 - Half the people you know are below average.  4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.  5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.  6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.  7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.  8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.  9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.  10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.  12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?  13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?  14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.  15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.  16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.  17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.  18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.  19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.  20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?  21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.  22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?  23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."  24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.  25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.  26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.  28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.  29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.  30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.  31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.  32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.  33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.  34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.  And the all-time favorite -  35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: comedian; stevenwright; wisdom
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To: gunnyg

Re steven wright on Wikipedia............

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Wright
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


61 posted on 12/01/2017 7:45:46 AM PST by gunnyg ("A Constitution changed from Freedom, can never be restored; Liberty, once lost, is lost forever...)
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To: Obadiah

Doesn’t anyone care? They must be really hungry!


62 posted on 12/01/2017 7:45:46 AM PST by blackdog
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To: Huskrrrr
"I have a map of the United States. Actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile."

I'm still folding it...

63 posted on 12/01/2017 7:51:46 AM PST by jonascord (First rule of the Dunning-Kruger Club is that you do not know you are in the Dunning-Kruger club.)
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To: Personal Responsibility

Some of the humor is lost in the writing. He has the most deadpan delivery style that it’s possible to have which really enhances the brilliance of his jokes. One of the best comedians ever and clean too.

You’re so right especially about the deadpan delivery. He is truly gifted. I miss that kind of stand up comedy. Now we get profanity bordering on porn in most cases, imho.


64 posted on 12/01/2017 7:56:44 AM PST by Dawgreg (Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.)
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To: gunnyg

Jackie was unique.........crying most of the time in his routine.........funny man.


65 posted on 12/01/2017 7:58:49 AM PST by Dawgreg (Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.)
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To: sodpoodle

A buddy of mine sent me a post card with a picture of earth taken from outer space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”


66 posted on 12/01/2017 8:02:12 AM PST by KC Burke (If all the world is a stage, I would like to request my lighting be adjusted.)
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To: sodpoodle

Are these all really Stephen Wright quotes... they seem downright cheery!


67 posted on 12/01/2017 8:14:08 AM PST by dangus
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To: sodpoodle

I love Steven Wright’s stuff, but haven’t heard anything about him in years.


68 posted on 12/01/2017 8:15:34 AM PST by Zionist Conspirator (Vegam Yehudah tillachem biYrushalayim . . . .)
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To: Obadiah
I absolutely loved Mitch Hedberg. And yes, I’m still very concerned about the Dufranes!

I also liked Mitch Hedberg, a very funny and talented comedian. If only he could have stayed away from drugs. A tragic loss.

Mitch Hedberg: "I like rice. Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

69 posted on 12/01/2017 8:27:10 AM PST by GreenHornet
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To: bagster

Okay you got me. A little hyperbole, but he was very funny.


70 posted on 12/01/2017 8:35:19 AM PST by redangus (actually hit her?)
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To: bigred44

LOL....good one.


71 posted on 12/01/2017 8:37:46 AM PST by Liz (Liberals are incapable of governing or practicing journalism in a normal American way.)
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To: GreenHornet

I bought an irregular phone- it doesn’t have a 7.
A friend stopped me and said- hey you never call me any more.
I said I can’t call everyone, my phone doesn’t have a 7.
He said, that’s weird, when did you get it?
I said I don’t know, my calendar doesn’t have any 9’s!


72 posted on 12/01/2017 8:40:44 AM PST by mgpilot
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To: sodpoodle

Steven Wright is awesome!

Here’s another Boston comedian that’s different. Anyone remember Emo Phillips?

https://youtu.be/9nX_EaFBTPE


73 posted on 12/01/2017 9:16:43 AM PST by tsowellfan
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To: sodpoodle

I liked him and found his brand quite entertaining.
A couple that I recall are the one about being attracted to his dental assistant so he ate a bag of Oreos before his cleaning.
And the one about getting a dog and walking him around NY and upon their return he says, there we’re done...


74 posted on 12/01/2017 10:24:03 AM PST by AllAmericanGirl44
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To: sodpoodle

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”


75 posted on 12/01/2017 10:34:37 AM PST by Disambiguator (Keepin' it analog.)
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To: Red Badger

LOL!!!

The copy looked just like yours until I hit ‘post’.

Old and ignorant - too stubborn to learn the techie stuff.

thx RB


76 posted on 12/01/2017 10:54:39 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers)
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To: sodpoodle

8^).......................


77 posted on 12/01/2017 11:00:41 AM PST by Red Badger (Road Rage lasts 5 minutes. Road Rash lasts 5 months!.....................)
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To: Celtic Conservative

... but a cop pulled me over for speeding.
He said, “Where do you live?” And I said,
“Right here!”


78 posted on 12/01/2017 11:01:40 AM PST by sparklite2 (I hereby designate the ongoing kerfuffle Diddle-Gate.)
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To: hillarynot
My favorite-- I like to put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room, and then "let em fight it out"

I once put instant coffee in a microwave oven. I almost went back in time.

79 posted on 12/01/2017 11:09:06 AM PST by DungeonMaster (Goblins, Orcs and the Undead: Metaphors for the godless left.)
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To: sodpoodle

How long is a piece of string?


80 posted on 12/01/2017 1:22:30 PM PST by Katydidnt ("...the greatest of these is love.")
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