Posted on 12/01/2017 6:23:32 AM PST by sodpoodle
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name. 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. And the all-time favorite - 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Re steven wright on Wikipedia............
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Wright
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Doesn’t anyone care? They must be really hungry!
I'm still folding it...
Some of the humor is lost in the writing. He has the most deadpan delivery style that it’s possible to have which really enhances the brilliance of his jokes. One of the best comedians ever and clean too.
You’re so right especially about the deadpan delivery. He is truly gifted. I miss that kind of stand up comedy. Now we get profanity bordering on porn in most cases, imho.
Jackie was unique.........crying most of the time in his routine.........funny man.
A buddy of mine sent me a post card with a picture of earth taken from outer space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Are these all really Stephen Wright quotes... they seem downright cheery!
I love Steven Wright’s stuff, but haven’t heard anything about him in years.
I also liked Mitch Hedberg, a very funny and talented comedian. If only he could have stayed away from drugs. A tragic loss.
Mitch Hedberg: "I like rice. Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."
Okay you got me. A little hyperbole, but he was very funny.
LOL....good one.
I bought an irregular phone- it doesn’t have a 7.
A friend stopped me and said- hey you never call me any more.
I said I can’t call everyone, my phone doesn’t have a 7.
He said, that’s weird, when did you get it?
I said I don’t know, my calendar doesn’t have any 9’s!
Steven Wright is awesome!
Here’s another Boston comedian that’s different. Anyone remember Emo Phillips?
I liked him and found his brand quite entertaining.
A couple that I recall are the one about being attracted to his dental assistant so he ate a bag of Oreos before his cleaning.
And the one about getting a dog and walking him around NY and upon their return he says, there we’re done...
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
LOL!!!
The copy looked just like yours until I hit ‘post’.
Old and ignorant - too stubborn to learn the techie stuff.
thx RB
8^).......................
... but a cop pulled me over for speeding.
He said, “Where do you live?” And I said,
“Right here!”
I once put instant coffee in a microwave oven. I almost went back in time.
How long is a piece of string?
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