Posted on 12/01/2017 6:23:32 AM PST by sodpoodle
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name. 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. And the all-time favorite - 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
MOST of today's SJW snowflake comics suck. Can't make fun of anything except whites and men. Otherwise anyone or any topic on the liberal protected list is verboten and punishable.
I like to put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room, and then "let em fight it out"
I have a T-shirt that has another version of this imprinted on it:
Even at my age, I still have a photographic memory.
However, my same day processing function has been terminated.
In 10 years or so people will not know what ‘film’ is.....................
I have a map of the United States. Actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile.
My favorite:
“I was an only child, eventually.”
“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night.”
Too deadpan for me. I’ll take Brian Regan any day. As a matter of fact, he’s got a new special on Netflix.
my girlfriend is so fat. we were dancing in my apartment and the record skipped.
we were listening to the radio.
radio free europe.
one of my favorite Wrightisms
>> I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
“I’m starting a War For Peace.”—Eric Idle as a Lennon-esque character, Monty Python
I used to joke with people that I could tell a car that had been used in rural New York vs one used in NYC: the high beam dimmer switch wore out before the horn.
Great!
Here’s some more....must be a master website of this guy somewhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=steven+wright+jokes&t=hg&atb=v80-1__&ia=web
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
One of my favorites:
“In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, ‘Cut it out.’”
“When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”
I remember Jackie Vernon. You're right, he had a similar style to Steven Wright. His most famous bit was probably his "Slide show" routine (You can find it on You Tube.) I think he was only in his mid 50s when he passed away.
I have a decaffeinated coffee table in my living room.
seamunsnh. I was there too. I’m from Malden. When he got off we left and went to see The Dream.
I absolutely loved Mitch Hedberg. And yes, I’m still very concerned about the Dufranes!
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