Posted on 08/18/2017 5:25:53 AM PDT by sodpoodle
A lady failed the driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass.
But the test had the same question : “You are driving at 120 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff.
On the road, you see a old man and a young man. What will you hit ?”.
The woman walked up to the examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question in all four ways, wall,
cliff, young man, old man. Yet I failed all the four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit ????”
The answer is;
THE BRAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's nothing left but de Brie.
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”
“Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies. “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all. The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that
the lawyer didn’t donate any money to charity, despite making over $1m that year. “First of all,” says the lawyer, “my mother is bedridden and gets no
help from social services. Second, I have five kids through three divorce
marriages. Third, my sister’s husband recently died and she has no one to
support her four children.” “I’m terribly sorry,” says the charity worker,
“I feel bad about asking for your money.” “So you should,” replies the
lawyer. “If I’m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?”
Please, don’t let little or big girls sit beside Uncle Biden.
Someone had it removed by the moderator. Must have thought it was disrespectful to the veteran.
Hmmmm.
Try these on for size. If one made you smile, hold that thought :-)
FAMOUS QUIPS
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have
remained a virgin.’
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy;
if you get a bad one,
you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness ....
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP!
- Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty,
but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’s diet:
if it tastes good spit it out.
Excellent! Hope the funeral home has a wide stock of pancake makeup
That is strange.... I found nothing offensive with it, personally, but understand some folks have thin skin and don’t like blue language.
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