~*~*~*~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~*~*~*~

[Lucky9teen]

WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?

Dogs?

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

---

Where Dogs Come From

(From a lost chapter in the Book of Genesis:)

Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a rat's butt one way or the other.

---

 

Or Cats?

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

---

Cat Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

[Heartlander]

[Heartlander]

Waiting for the weekend like...

[Delta 21]

[Heartlander]

[Heartlander]

[Rusty0604]

Thanks for the laughs!

[Rusty0604]

Lol

[llevrok]

Reminds me -

There was an elderly woman who was “famous” with her neighbors as being dead on predicting the weather.

Word of her accuracy started to become public. One day, the local TV station sent a young, eager reporter to do a piece on her.

Young Reporter (a bit full of herself) - So I understand you are 100% accurate forecasting whether it is going to rain or be sunny. How do you, a non scientist nor trained meteorologist, do it?

Woman - Oh, it’s simple. In the morning when I wake up, I gently pull down my husband’s bed covers. If “it” is laying on the left, it’s going to rain and then I get out of bed. And if “it” is laying on the right, we’ll have a sunny day”

The young reporter, thinking she’s going to have a “gotcha” moment with the old woman then asks, “And what do you do if “it” is in the middle?”, as she winks.

“Oh don’t be silly, young lady. If “it” is standing in the middle, I don’t get out of bed!

[MarineBrat]

And my favorite....

I can just hear what's going on in the dog's head... "Dum de doo da dum de dooooo wooodloooo...HOWDY! de doo dah dum diddly doo de HOWDY!"

[MarineBrat]

Oh my goodness, that almost brings tears to my eyes. It looks exactly like my long ago beloved Chocolate Lab. Sigh... I miss that dog!

She loved the whole world and she knew for a fact that the whole world loved her. Smart. Courageous. Faithful. Loving. Empathetic. Best! Dog! Ever!

[llevrok]

With baseball season about to start, I am reminded of a time a few years ago when I went to a ballgame

It was a big game and the stadium was packed! Getting tickets late, I ended sitting up high in the cheap seats. As the game started, I was looking around with my binoculars. Way down low, I thought I saw my old college room mate, Steve. “Gosh, It’s been years”, I thought. So I stood up and yelled “Hey Steve!!”. There was no response, so I yelled it again, “Hey Steve!”. Still no response. People around me were getting annoyed so I went quiet. “Maybe it’s not him after all”, I thought.

As the game went on, I continue to watch using my binocs. But I kept coming back to the guy “Steve” down below. It was really bugging me. “I just KNOW that is Steve”, I thought.

At the 7th inning stretch, I thought I’d try again. “Heeeeeeey Steeeeeeeve” I yelled even more emphatically. There was still no response. Once again “Heeeeeeey Steeeeeeeve”.

This time, the guy who I thought was “Steve” from way down low stood up, turned my way and yelled back, “I’m NOT Steve!”

[left that other site]

Good Morning!

:-)

[left that other site]

Top 40!

With a bullet!

[Moltke]

Missing Missy

Damn you, you just made me waste an hour reading email exchanges...LOL.

[SERKIT]

[SERKIT]

[SERKIT]

[wyokostur]

Great article...funny interview.

https://m.dailymercury.com.au/news/peta-shot-down-by-the-naked-gun/2971128/

[sodpoodle]

Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

... A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN;
IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE!

[pa_dweller]

Damn you,...

Some of them are pretty funny but the one I linked had me in stitches.