Since last December... I have been out to Chicago and Wisconsin three times... visiting my Dad. He was in a retirement home... declining with each visit.
I am tired. I cannot sleep; It is now 3 am where I live... and I have to get up tomorrow.
I got into a major argument with my sister about the time and place of his internment, which will be in IL. We resolved it.
I just feel so lost. He was my rock. Every night, I called him to do the daily jumble... at the end, he couldn't really hear me very much...
And there were nights when I was tired... It was 9 or 10 and I didn't want to call... but then I told myself, "Someday, you won't have that option."
I would just love to hear his voice or feel his presence or tell me ... I dont know.
I turned 18 in October 1980. On voting day, I asked my Dad, "who should I vote for?" He said, "Ronald Reagan."
And that is exactly what I did. You can't go wrong listening to the wisdom of your parents. Take what works for you, but they have lived through things that you haven't...
Anyway... I will be back on this thread. I have so much I want to say about him.
He was one of Chicago's best defense attorneys ever. But he was never in it for the money. He just hated to see people wrongly accused; he wanted to clear people's reputations. And he did.
Hope you can see this! :)
I've found, from the loss of my father, that it doesn't get better, it just gets different. I wish had better news.
Be a father.
It’s my Faith. What I Believe. This Earth ends for all of us sometime.
Then we JOIN THAT GREAT PRAYER MEETING IN THE SKY!
When things get rough down here, I have to practice My Faith even harder. But it’s worth it!
Praise The Lord +++
[ Hmm of course there is that little thing Purgatory.
For the rough edges to get fixed.]
Last year I learned another loss I had been through before but was much younger in my late 20's. My second wife passed and we'd been married just short of 30 years. I did a lot of talking to myself after that one. But I also focused on my mom as my only surviving sibling my sister passed a month before my wife did.
It takes time. No two persons grieve the same and what works for one person may make matters worse for another. It's been 14 months and some answers of what do I do next with my life I'm still looking for. Dad helped me through loosing my first wife. She died as she was getting in his van to get a ride with to her mothers on his way to work at 24 years old. I had already left for work.
This time I've had to work it out myself and help mom work through her grief. Short answer I guess is focus on the living as much as possible.
I am so sorry for your loss...reading your words breaks my heart. Your father sounds like a wonderful man and of course your pain at loosing someone so dear is understandable. It’s ok to grieve...it’s ok to find yourself doing things or thinking things “out of the norm.” There is no “normal” right now, you are grieving which takes time. It is a process but in this process you will learn a lot about life and yourself that will amaze you and give you strength to walk it out, I was an orphan at 25. I knew I was an orphan so I find it interesting that you went to that place too. I was a adored only child who lost her mother and father within a year from each other...a marriage a year later and my 8 yr. old son, my only child a year later. At 30 years old I was wiped out...crying out to God, whoever He was to have Mercy. That was 40 years ago. I can now say I’ve had a wonderful life for you see I now know, very intimately, who God is...I now know why my 8 yr. old son was shot and killed, I now have wisdom and peace. Keep walking every day calling on God as your HEAVENLY FATHER. Jesus said He would never leave you or forsake you...you are not alone. As you share your grief and love with others you will grow stronger every day and your Father’s memories will become a warm blanket without any pain...it will happen.
I lost my Dad almost a year ago. Heart problems plus alzheimers. The last time I spoke to him, he was in the hospital, giving the nurses hell, refusing to take any medications. I asked him to think about taking the meds.
He did not answer, he never spoke to me again. By this time, alzheimers and the trauma of just being in the hospital had rendered him mute. I could only hear him breathing in deep, even breaths.
When he died, I had this vision of my past in the form of an old family house. The old family house was burning furiously, relentlessly. The skies were black with smoke.
At the funeral, I was reminded how many people he had helped and influenced to make something good out of their lives.
I too felt like an ‘orphan’, which seemed ridiculous, me pushing 60 years of age. I cope with his death now by trying to do what he did, give your love away. Don’t always keep your sense of caring a hidden secret behind a mask of protection. Find moments where you allow yourself to be open and even a little vulnerable. As Christ said, love one another. Offer guidance to those who ask for it, or require it. Offer forgiveness to those who have wronged you, even those who don’t ever ask for it. Open your mind and your heart, show compassion.
One can forgive, without forgetting a lesson of great significance.
My beloved mother died 40 years ago ( yes, she was far too young to die, but she had cancer and died )and you never stop hurting, missing your parent, wanting to just hear a word from them, be hugged. Yes, the pain does grow less, but you live with it the rest of your life.
How did I cope? I would talk to a picture of her; I still do, as well as to my favorite pictures of my beloved grandparents. YES, TALK OUT LOUD !
You’re going through the grieving part, so grieve! Cry, rail, pray,and cry some more, but most of don’t hold back; you will feel better once you get this part over with. If you don’t do this now, at some future point in time, you WILL be overcome by your held in grief and that’s worse.
Hug your husband, if you have a kid/kiddos hug them too...or at least talk with them in person or on the phone. Make sure you tell everyone how much you love them. And yes, do calmly explain how much you hurt....just don’t overdo it.
And IF you ever need a shoulder or an ear ( eye, actually ), drop me a note. I lived in Chicago for 17 years, so I’m familiar with things you might want to talk with someone about, even though I hate football and am a N.Y. Yankees fan. :-)
I DO know all about the “green wall at Wrigley, how they play doodly do de doo, and and such.
My second cousin died at the end of last summer, so now I have NOBODY at all left, whom I can talk about my grandmother, my mother, and opera with. At least you still have your sister. I know how you feel right now. Hopefully I and other FREEPERS can help you get through this time.
HUGS......
np
Time is the only cure. Years. I speak from experience.
Lost my Dad 10 years ago; he was 62 and passed away from a very fast-moving cancer. I was a “Daddy’s Girl”; he taught me all kinds of sports; spent my childhood following him around the farm.
Miss him every day and always will.
So sorry for your loss...sounds like your Father was a wonderful man.
Ny parents passed away within a month of each other and were both very young considering. Mom had just turned 60 and Dad was 64. That was 20 year ago. How did I cope. There were many things to do. There were two younger children to deal with and a dog. There was a house to get rid of and an estate to deal with.
How did I deal with it...I didn’t really...just plowed on each day. I talk to them still. I think nice thoughts about them and catch myself realizing that I am acting or talking like my dad...I make Mom’s Thanksgiving stuffing recipe every year from a recipe written out in her own hand for me. It is in a plastic sleeve is why it has survived all these years.
One never really gets over it...Once you realize that, you can get on with your life. What I mean by that is don;t worry about the healing, or the closure or whatever they call it these days. You still have to go to work or take care of kids or feed the dog or whatever it is you still have to do. It’s okay to feel sad and even depressed for a while. If it continues for an undo amount of time, then one might need guidance.
Try not to think of the departed one as gone...I talk to my parents all the time and talk about them too...remember the nice moments, the rich moments, the special times. Avoid thinking about those times that might have been bad or contained friction....who says denial is a bad thing? Why dwell on unpleasantry?
Time does not heal all wounds, but it will let one get one with living.
As for dealing with family members...stressful times create stressed thinking and reactions. I do know know enough about your family to render any judgements whatsoever...so I won’t...but I will close with a quote from my father, a veteran of Korea and while not a civic leader, nor great man, he was just a citizen.
he said: “Only worry about the things that you can control...”
Tomorrow is another day..there will be things to do and other problems to deal with that have nothing to do with your loss. Don’t feel guilty about that. Eat some ice cream and have a good sleep. Remember your Dad and smile at his picture on your wall. Say hello to him every morning and say good night. In time, he will draw your current pain away so that you can continue on....
Sincerely...
Okay,it is now almost time that the alarm will ring to wake us up. So I do not dare check the thread, otherwise I will feel compelled to answer now. But I will answer tomorrow.
Thank you so much, everyone.
I am going through something that is normal, that everyone, if they are lucky, does. However, some of you have lost spouses at a young age; children... That’s not really in the normal course of things.
Let us all pray for each other tonight. I am going to and I thank you so much for your concern and your posts.
Now I hear the birds chirping.. It is definitely time to get to sleep... and pray.
Thank you...
Julie
RIP
In the short term the only advice I can give is to cry.
Cry until you can’t possibly cry anymore.
Then be prepared to cry again.
When my dad died I was the one on whose shoulders everything fell.
Every little decision, no matter how trivial, was directed to me.
I didn’t have a moment alone for three weeks.
By then the immediacy of his death was past.
The tears wouldn’t come as they wanted to in the beginning.
I feel that my inability to just have a good gut wrenching cry made it harder for me to deal with his death.
I didn’t make that mistake when my wife recently passed away.
I made arrangements with the hospital and drove directly home, locked the doors and cried until it hurt.
I truly believe that is why I am coping with the loss of the love of my life better than the loss of my dad.
People will hug you, pat you on the back and say “now, now dear. Don’t cry because he’s in a better place.”
BULLSCHEISER!
GOD gave us the ability to cry in order to cope with emotional stress.
HE gave it to us to use.
A gift from a loving God who knows what is best for us.
In the long term, you just deal with it as things come up.
A thousand times you will see or hear something that you will want to share with your dad and you will remember that you can’t and it will hurt.
Don’t be ashamed to cry, even years from now.
If you suppress the tears and deny yourself Gods healing gift, you will regret it.
I’m a 64 year old man, but I am not ashamed to admit that when I lose someone close to me I cry like a baby.
Treat yourself well. Spend more time with people you like, move slower than usual, accept offers of help, forgive inappropriate behavior in family and friends.
If you aren't sleeping, you'll really have to address that immediately. You'll be a basket case in a few days without sleep.
The loss is permanent -- it just stays there. The stress fades in time.
Do what you have to do. You'll get through this.
I lost two parents in 2013 (both WWII Veterans). They were my best friends. Hold to the thought that Christians never say goodbye and until then keep focused on the race that God has placed before you. Always remember that Jesus is already in your all of your tomorrows.
I’m sorry that you have list your father. However, you should keep in mind that, if you and him were believers, tha you will see him again one day in the near future.
He was my rock.
He still is. A good Father leaves a bit of himself behind, always.
Thank God Almighty that you had a rock in your life and look forward to the day when you will see.
him again.
Please accept my condolences.
Lost my dad some time ago. It was tough. Still is.