Posted on 12/11/2015 4:52:42 AM PST by Lucky9teen
1.This elf who's clearly had too much to drink.
2.This elf who won't hesitate to murder some Barbie dolls.
3.This elf who watched Silence of the Lambs one too many times.
4.This elf who quit gift-making to become a ladies' man.
5.This elf who's feeling a bit devious.
6.This elf who didn't think twice before he put his you know what in a box.
7.This narcissistic elf.
8.This elf who wants to make angels.
9.This elf who has taken the game of tag too far.
10.This elf who has an addiction problem.
11.This elf who's enjoying his white privilege.
12.This elf who likes a good office prank.
OK, where’s my can of eye-bleach?
A Texan walked into a bar and the bartender asked, “You got any ID?”
The Texan said, “’bout what?”
A termite walked into a bar and said, “Is the bar tender here?”
A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm.
“A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich,” he says to the barman.
“I’m sorry, sir,” replies the barman, “we don’t serve food in here.”
A dog walks into a bar, with a bandage around one of his feet.
He surveys the room and then says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
E-flat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey.
When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, “Where is everybody?”
The bartender replied, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”
“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”
“Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replied.
“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked.
“Well,” said the bartender, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes.”
“Weird guy,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”
“Rustling,” said the bartender.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, “Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?”.
The other guy says, “Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club.”
A guy walks into a bar. There’s nobody there except the bartender and a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.
The man says, “I’m buying that woman a drink.”
The bartender says, “You don’t want to do that. She’s a lesbian.”
The man says, “I don’t care, give the drink.”
After the woman gets the drink, she raises the glass to her benefactor. The man strolls over to her.
He says, “Hi. I’m Bill Williams from Terre Haute. So how are things in Beirut?”
Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Okay, I’ll serve you a beer, just don’t get any ideas.”
Did you hear about when the baby seal walked into a club?
She replies, "Gosh, let's just hope it's not the 13th."
Did you hear about two musicians who walked into a heavy metal bar?
The third one ducked.
Did you hear about the magician who was walking down the street and turned into a drugstore?
Did you hear about the cannibal who was ate before he was seven?
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest?
Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One looked at the other and said, “Does this taste funny to you?”
A guy walks into a barber shop and asks, “Bob Peters here?”
The barber replies, “Nope. Just cut hair.”
This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable, could he gets a free beer?
The bartender says alright.
So, the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley.
Well, a man at the end of the bar said, “That’s amazing, I’ll give you $1,000 for the frogs.”
The man agreed, took the money and the buyer took off.
The bartender said to him, “You could have gotten more for the frogs.”
The man said, “Frogs are easy to come by, the hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
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