Posted on 12/11/2015 4:52:42 AM PST by Lucky9teen
1.This elf who's clearly had too much to drink.
2.This elf who won't hesitate to murder some Barbie dolls.
3.This elf who watched Silence of the Lambs one too many times.
4.This elf who quit gift-making to become a ladies' man.
5.This elf who's feeling a bit devious.
6.This elf who didn't think twice before he put his you know what in a box.
7.This narcissistic elf.
8.This elf who wants to make angels.
9.This elf who has taken the game of tag too far.
10.This elf who has an addiction problem.
11.This elf who's enjoying his white privilege.
12.This elf who likes a good office prank.
A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: “Do you serve lawyers here?”
The bartender says: “Yes, of course we do!”
The man says, “OK, I’ll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator.”
A blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink and announces, “Hey! Does anyone want to hear a blonde joke?”
Then the woman next to him taps his shoulder and says, “Listen mister, I’m a bodybuilder, 5 foot 9 of pure muscle, and I’m blonde. The bouncer over there, he’s a martial arts expert and his hands are registered as lethal weapons! He’s blonde too! And the bartender, she’s 6 foot 2, is a roller derby star and is also a blonde! So do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
To which the blind man replies...
“Well not if I gotta explain it three times!”
The bartender says, “We don’t allow any faster-than-light neutrinos in here!”
A faster-than-light neutrino walks into a bar.
A guy walks into a bar with his Golden Retriever.
The bartender says, “Hey, get outta here. We don’t serve anyone with dogs.”
The guy says, “But this is a seeing-eye dog”, so the bartender lets him stay.
A few minutes later a guy walks in with his Chihuahua.
The bartender says, “Hey, get outta here. We don’t serve anyone with dogs.”
The guy with the Golden Retriever says, “Tell the bartender it’s a seeing-eye dog and they’ll let you both in.”
So the guy with the Chihuahua comes in again and the bartender says, “Hey, get outta here, we don’t serve anyone with dogs.”
The guy says, “But he’s a seeing-eye dog.”
The bartender says, “I’ve never seen a Chihuahua as a seeing eye dog.”
The guy says,”They gave me a Chihuahua?!!”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants.
The bartender takes a look at him, a look at the steering wheel and says “Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate responded, “Arrrgh, and it’s driving me nuts!”
A TCP packet walks in to a bar and says “I want a beerâ€
The bartender says, “You want a beer?â€
The TCP packet says, “Yes, a beerâ€.
A Muslim walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong place?”
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”
A hundred kilopascals go into a bar.
Seriously. They do.
Look it up. Check the conversion tables.
ACK ACK ACK
A man walks into a bar and hears music coming from the piano, but he doesn’t see anyone sitting at the bench. Upon closer inspection he sees a man about a foot tall playing the beautiful musc.
He goes over to the barkeep and asks, “What’s with the piano player?”
The barkeep pulls a lamp out from under the bar and says, “Give it a rub.”
The man gives the lamp a tentative rub and out pops a genie. “Congratulations!” Says the genie. For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you a wish. Go ahead and name your desire.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, “I’d like a million bucks.”
“Done!” exclaims the genie, and disappears.
The man looks around, confused, then lookes in his wallet. Just as he’s putting his wallet away a million ducks come barrelling through the room. After a considerable kerfluffle the man and the barkeep managed to get the ducks out of the bar.
When it was finally done the man said to the barkeep, “I’m awfully sorry. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t ask the genie for a million ducks.”
The barkeep asks, “Do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”
LOL! Thanks!
LOL!
A 9mm with two clips and a lot of shells.....
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