It's that time of year again....
Posted on 05/29/2015 5:57:53 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University. One of his letters home reads:
Dear Father,
University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom – I'll show you how."
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"
Obama was visiting an elementary school one day and he was eager to talk to the kids. Out during recess he noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
He approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Obama noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, he offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the President suspiciously.
Feeling he was making progress, Obama then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Meanwhile...in the mens bathroom
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. 
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, " The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
Dammit Facebook, how dare you tell me who I can't be in a relationship with...
Top 25!
I need some Silly. Our AC unit went on the blink yesterday and it was 77 degrees in the house last night.
Tip: don’t buy a Lennox AC unit! When it was 3 it cost $400 to add coolant because it leaks. Now it’s 4 and the same thing happened.
Gimme some Silly! “Dave” Lennox sucks!
BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk’. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A.
I’m gonna get some fishing time this morning. Shooting time comes Monday.
now THAT is a scene for the books!!!
Thank you!
Homer and Jethro We Didn’t Sink the Bismark https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Da6rYqI8z_4
Homer and Jethro - I’m Missing My Wifes Cooking https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64h_MRQkZpc
Those Balls Are Perfect https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT9pygVQwgk
I know some of you old folks have been wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.
Well here is the low down on the whole thing:
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper ‘em.
When old people do it, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.
Hope that was helpful.
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Just remember:
Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.
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You can always spot a guy who masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. One of them will have a wedding ring on it.
_____
I was diagnosed with anti-social behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
_____
An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.
The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem.
The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.
The wife turns to her husband and asks “What’d he say?”
The husband replies “He says you were speeding!” The wife turns back to the officer and says “Oh, sorry officer.” The officer goes on; “License and registration please.” The wife again turns to her husband. “What’d he say!?”
The husband, growing irritated, says “He wants to see your LICENSE.” The wife replies, “Oh, sorry officer. Here you go.” The officer inspects her license and comments, “Ah, you’re from Brownsville. I’ll never forget that city... I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!” The wife once more turns to her right and yells “What’d he say!!?”
The husband replies “He says he knows you.”
I decided to click on the link and watch it.
Holy.....
Somebody was smoking some SERIOUS crack to come up with that. I’m going to feel weirded-out for the rest of the day. Thank you.
“Before I could pull the trigger I was struck by lightning and bitten by a cobra”
So....I’m not the only one.
Big Boyz, Big Toyz ! ...not just the tractor bike. hehe
bttt!
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