Posted on 02/23/2015 2:56:45 PM PST by blueunicorn6
My friend Jerry works for the Fish and Game. I guess they teach fish how to play Monopoly or something. He's had some interesting jobs. One time, he had to shock fish. I saw that movie about the Cuckoos Nest, so the fish must have been wiseacres and deserved it. I went along as an unpaid volunteer. Dad always said, "The workman is worth his wages".
I had to carry this metal pole out into the river. Normally, as I found out later, they use a car battery for electricity when they shock fish. Jerry figured that if a little electricity is good, then a lot more electricity would be better. He had brought along one of those generator trailers. He decided to test the circuit while I was still holding the pole in the river.
When I came to, I was 50 feet up on the bank and it was raining charred fish. It blew out two generators on a dam 50 miles downstream.
Wednesday night, Jerry and I were having a few beers. He started telling me how he was going out Friday to put a radio collar on a feral pig. I have to tell you, I don't pay much attention to pigs. Bacon and ham and Piglet in the Winnie The Pooh cartoons. That's about it.
My four dogs had joined us for some pleasant conversation and to see if there was any jerky. Jerry said that me and the dogs should go with him. I thought, "Piglet always stammers when he gets nervous, so how dangerous can pigs be?" Sure, we would go with him.
He said the dogs would need Kevlar vests. I have worn a protective vest. You don't need one for stammering pigs. Jerry was insistent. We agreed to the task.
I went to our local Petco. I asked the clerk about protective suits for dogs. She took me over to a rack of NFL equipment for dogs. My Dad was a Minnesota Vikings fan. He spent Sunday morning singing hymns at Church, and then spent Sunday afternoon using the Lord's name in vain while he watched the Vikings. They had four Minnesota Vikings sets. In the old days, the front four of the Viking defense were called "The Purple People Eaters". I dubbed my four pooches "The Purple Porkchop Eaters".
We set out Friday morning to catch a feral pig. Three of the dogs were sulking in the pickup. They don't like wearing clothes. The Yuppie Puppy kind of enjoys it. He normally sports a blue blazer with red tie. We arrived at a farm where a feral pig had been causing problems. We could hear him grunting in the bushes. Turns out it was Jerry. He'd gotten some bad hash browns for breakfast. We put the football helmets on the dogs and turned them loose to find the pig.
The dogs all ran back to the pickup because it was cold. I had trained these dogs, so I used a special command to get them back.
"Get over here you idiots!"
Even Jerry came out of the bushes.
Then, the Little Dog picked up pig scent. Away they galloped like Custer charging at the Little Big Horn. They had similar results.
They executed a perfect retrograde movement if by "retrograde", you mean running behind-over-teakettle to get away. They went streaking by me like four furry F-16s. And there was a monster behind them.
I had expected a cute little Piglet. What was heading at me looked somewhat larger than a hypo....hepo....bear. And it was angry!
Oh, Jerry and the dogs made it to the pickup. The Little Dog locked the door on me. He started giving odds on how long I'd last with the pig. Jerry put down twenty bucks on "five seconds". The Girl had more faith in me. She went for twenty on "seven seconds".
I fooled them and the pig by climbing up a tree. I was pretty sure pigs couldn't climb trees. The Little Dog threw an axe out the window for the pig. Oh, they need referees for man versus pigs contests. The pig tried to pick up the axe, but he didn't have thumbs. I sat on a branch wiggling my thumbs at him yelling, "No thumb! You're so dumb!"
The pig started ramming the tree. Jerry used this distraction to shoot the pig with a knockout dart. The pig passed out.
I ran to the pickup. The dogs all jumped out with their Minnesota Vikings uniforms to have their picture taken standing on top of the pig. They were all laughing and smiling and patting each other on the back. Filthy traitors.
Jerry put the radio collar on the pig and we headed home. The Chubby Dog wanted to stop at McDonalds to show off his football gear. I got even. I ordered them all salads. No croutons. Man's Best Friend. Only if there's no pigs around
Next week, Jerry wants to take the dogs skeet shooting. I wonder what kind of wine goes with skeet?
I prefer fish who play poker.
If you were going after pigs you should have gotten them Packers uniforms.
Very good. Keep ‘em comin’.
Them there is good stories.
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