Posted on 09/25/2014 7:51:00 PM PDT by Daniel Clark
The College Football Czar: Week 5
Week four in review: None of the presumptive national contenders played very well last week, although LSU was the only one to be upset. Top-ranked Florida State showed that its problems run a lot deeper than the QB position, while Oregon was exposed for a lack of depth on its OL. Alabama displayed lots of power but no discipline, Oklahoma couldn’t get going until halftime, and Auburn would have lost if not for a series of unforced K-State miscues.
The College Football Czar is now waiting to see which overpaid studio show host will be the first to suggest that the degree of parity we see in the game this season makes it nearly impossible to select four teams to compete for the championship. Therefore, in order to be “fair,” it will be said, we must begin expanding the playoff field immediately. Remember, you heard it here first.
First-year Texas head coach Charlie Strong has just thrown his ninth player off the team this season. The Czar can appreciate that conditions in Austin may have grown lax under Mack Brown, but how much dead wood can one afford to get rid of and still remain afloat? If things ultimately don’t work out for Strong with the Longhorns, perhaps he can stay in the Lone Star State, and be put in charge of deportations.
Week 4 was the Czar’s worst week to this point of the young season at 11-8, in spite of his being fortunate enough to still win the FSU pick even after Jameis Winston’s suspension was extended for the entire game. For the season, the Czar stands at 57-30, for a .655 winning percentage.
The Czar hereby extends a Lardhead of the Year Award nomination to the sizeable faction of the crowd at Heinz Field last Saturday that actually booed the resumption of the football game because it interrupted “Sweet Caroline.” The sappy song has for some reason or other become a staple at sporting events around the country, including the end of the third quarter at Pitt Panther games, where it is played to the delight of those people who take delight in such things, who are depressingly many.
Last week, this festival of foppery was already underway when the officials ruled that, because of a penalty, one untimed down had to be added to the end of the quarter. The song was turned off as the players retook the field, only to be heckled with a barrage of very loud and sincere-sounding boos. The people who had actually gone to the stadium so that they could lock arms and sway and sing along with Neil Diamond weren’t about to let a bunch of big, insensitive brutes get away with stealing their moment.
This episode was just one of the more absurd manifestations of the growing phenomenon of sporting events becoming forums for narcissism. Let the game be about the guys on the field, you self-absorbed mental marshmallows. Nobody is buying tickets to see your tweets and selfies, or your puke-inducing PDAs. If you want to be a part of the production, then go to The Rocky Horror Picture Show like every other insufferable snot, and leave the football games alone.
Sept. 26
Fresno State at New Mexico
Last week, the Bulldogs rolled over the Division I-AA Southern Utah Thunderbirds, 56-16. The bad news is that they’ve lost each of their three legitimate games (to USC, Utah and Nebraska) by scores almost as lopsided. Despite that stat-padding victory, FSU isn’t ready to run with the big dogs. Tim DeRuyter’s team rushed for 389 yards against SUU, but only a total of 317 against their three I-A foes combined.
The Lobos’ offense was on Crus control in a 38-35 victory over rival New Mexico State, behind senior RB Crusoe Gongbay. UNM let Gongbay be bygones for a career-high 139 yards, including a 17-yard, fourth-quarter touchdown.
For the record, there is no “a” in Crusoe, therefore it is not pronounced “Ca-ru-so.” You’d think The Professor would straightened the theme singers out about that. But then, he’s probably still giving them the cold-shoulder treatment over that “and the rest” jazz.
New Mexico 40, Fresno State 32
Middle Tennessee at Old Dominion
The MT-heads were played like bongos by intrastate rival Memphis, 36-17. The Blue Raider offense gained only 88 rushing yards, while also getting poor usage out of QB Austin Grammer, who averaged fewer than ten yards per completion.
ODU won its first-ever Conference USA game, beating defending champion Rice on the road, 45-42. Senior slinger Taylor Heinicke threw for 430 yards, with five touchdowns and no INTs.
Why were the Monarchs allowed to join Conference USA, anyway? I mean, what was the Revolution all about? Those sneaky Limeys! No wonder the TSA makes them take off their pants before boarding.
Old Dominion 37, Middle Tennessee 33
Sept. 27
Akron at Pitt
The Panther defense did too much pussyfooting in the second half against Iowa, when they barely brought any pressure on backup Hawkeye QB C.J. Beathard, allowing him to complete 8 of 9 in a 24-20 setback. One would expect them to be less tentative against a Zips’ OL that has been overwhelmed by both Penn State and Marshall.
With the exception of their opener against I-AA Howard, the Roos have impetuously jumped into a difficult nonconference schedule. They should have no trouble bouncing back in their first two Mid-American Conference games, when they host Eastern Michigan and Miami Ohio.
You’ll be tempted to laugh when you see UA head coach Terry Bowden’s new look, but please don’t, because that would be in poor taste. Obviously, his appearance is part of some sort of a personal tribute to the late Robin Williams. Rumor has it he even lobbied to have the team nickname changed from the Zips to the Shazbots, but that would have been silly.
Pitt 34, Akron 14
Northwestern at Penn State
If the Wildcats are really employees, they must be French ones, the way they were lying down on the job during home losses to California and Northern Illinois. Even in last week’s 24-7 win over the I-AA Western Illinois Leathernecks, they only bothered to gain 283 total yards.
The Nittany Lions finally got their running game going against winless Umass, but QB Christian Hackenberg continued to be erratic. At 12-for-23, he fared only slightly better than his counterpart, who was named Brutus Thornapple, or something like that. Last year, while enjoying better protection, Hackenberg threw for twice as many touchdowns as interceptions, but so far in 2014, he’s hit paydirt only four times, and been picked off five.
The College Football Czar apologizes for that crack about the French, which was totally uncalled for. Everyone knows that the people of France are really exceptionally hard workers, at least the ones who are working at the world’s oldest profession.
Why, the world’s oldest profession is snail cooking, of course. What on earth did you think the Czar meant?
Penn State 23, Northwestern 6
Tennessee at Georgia
Determined to end their slump at one game, the Bulldogs sent Troy to Helen back in a 66-0 scorching. With Todd Gurley bowing out of the blowout early, Sony Michel was the one and only, as he led all rushers by far with 155 yards and three TDs on ten carries.
The Volunteers probably played their best game of 2013 against their rivals from Athens, although they lost in overtime, 34-31. UT took the lead with less than two minutes to play in regulation time, but the Dogs drove 75 yards to score the tying TD with just five seconds left. Their last meeting between the hedges was a tough scrap also, with UGA getting three late takeaways to preserve a 51-44 victory.
The Czar is thankful that UGA is pronounced with a short “U.” If it were a long “U,” then the team song would be Blue Swede’s version of “Hooked on a Feeling” (“Ooga-ooga-ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga-ooga-chaka”). Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse than “Sweet Caroline.”
Georgia 38, Tennessee 28
Oregon State at USC
The Beavers allowed a 75-yard touchdown drive on the opening possession last week, but then squashed San Diego State 28-7, yielding only 140 yards the rest of the way.
Following their big victory at Stanford, the Trojans lowered their shields against Boston College and got beaned, 37-31. Unfortunately for OSU, they are not likely to replicate BC’s 452-yard rushing performance.
In the absence of a good ground game, QB Sean Mannion has been the busiest Beaver, pelting opponents for a total of 11,339 career passing yards. He needs another 988 to pass SC’s Matt Barkley to become the Pac 12’s all-time leader. He won’t get to do it against Barkley’s team this Saturday, of course, but he can make the Beavs an instant conference contender with a victory in the Coliseum.
Q: If you get beaned in Boston, what do you get in Los Angeles?
A: Why, murdered by Central American gangsters, of course. What were you expecting, a pun?
USC 49, Oregon State 42
Florida State at Nc State
The Wolfpack’s early schedule (Georgia Southern, Old Dominion, South Florida and I-AA Presbyterian) has consisted of little more than sheep being led to the slaughter. Of their 4-0 record, you could say there was mutton to it.
With Jameis Winston soaking up all the attention in Tallahassee, relatively little has been said about the Seminoles’ inability to find a successor to tailback Devonta Freeman. In three games, FSU has only gained a combined total of 329 rushing yards, and 210 of those came against a Division I-AA foe, the Citadel.
Seminole coach Jimbo Fisher says that Winston’s suspension for last week’s Clemson game will be a learning experience for him. At the rate at which the sophomore QB is having learning experiences, by now he should be Aristotle, William F. Buckley and Deep Blue all rolled into one.
Florida State 33, Nc State 27
Minnesota at Michigan
Wolverine coach Brady Hoke must think “Avenged team’s historic loss to Appalachian State” looks a lot more impressive on his resume than it really does. What’s more important is that his team has been humiliated by its last three formidable opponents, going back to last year’s Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl against Kansas State. In last week’s stormy 26-10 home loss to Utah, they were minus-three in turnovers, while also giving up a punt return for a touchdown.
The one strength for the maize and blue has been their run defense, which has held its last three opponents – including Notre Dame – to fewer than 100 rushing yards apiece. They probably won’t be suffering succotash, then, when they clash with Golden Gopher RB David Cobb, who has had two 200-yard games during a 4-0 start.
This is the 101st edition of the Little Brown Jug series, and who knows how many are left? It’s only a matter of time before the NCAA puts the kibosh on a tradition that borrows its name from a song that glorifies alcoholism. In a couple more years, they’ll probably be forced to replace it with a green tea cup, or something.
The origin of the jug awarded for this rivalry game was that the Wolverines brought it with them to a road game, because they didn’t want to drink the water in Minnesota. What were they afraid of, Hubert Humphrey’s revenge?
Michigan 30, Minnesota 18
Arkansas vs. Texas A&M
Had the ampersanders played a more formidable schedule since their huge road win over South Carolina, they might be ranked #1 by now. Granted, they had no way of knowing how bad Rice and SMU would be, but Lamar?
Coach Bret Bielema must have thought he was back at Wisconsin last week, when his team routed familiar foe Northen Illinois, 52-14. The Razorbacks returned the opening kickoff for a score, and added another TD on a fumble recovery about five minutes later.
The Hogs have lost 13 consecutive SEC games, since last beating Kentucky in mid-October of 2012. In this year’s opener, they were tied with Auburn at halftime, but then AU burned them for 24 consecutive points in a 45-21 runaway.
Just think of the atmosphere this game would have if it were being played at College Station like it should be. Instead, they’ll be playing it in Arlington, in an indoor stadium so lacking in aesthetics that the fans watch the game on an enormous TV so that they can pretend not to be there in person.
The cave doesn’t make the man, Jerry.
Texas A&M 52, Arkansas 31
Colorado State at Boston College
The Ram rushing attack that had looked invincible against Colorado at Invesco Field was vanquished a week later at Boise State, getting squelched for just 28 yards on 23 carries. BC’s rushing defense has likewise been enigmatic, stuffing USC for a total of 20 rushing yards a week after allowing 303 against Pitt.
CSU has turned to its passing game, however, where the results have been extrohrdnerry for Rashard Higgins. The sophomore WR has pulled down 18 receptions for 290 yards and two touchdowns in the past two games.
Eagle QB Tyler Murphy already has an even 500 rushing yards with five TDs through four games. He’s only got 491 passing yards, however, while throwing just three TDs to five interceptions, and completing a meager 51.8 percent.
The seating in the Eagles’ Alumni Stadium is still comprised almost totally of bleachers. Somebody please explain to the Board of Trustees that “alumni” is not the plural of “aluminum.”
Boston College 28, Colorado State 20
Maryland at Indiana
The Terrapins may be 3-1, but the last two times they’ve faced an opponent that plays with IU’s speed – against West Virginia two weeks ago and Marshall in last year’s Military Bowl – they have been beaten.
The Hoosiers, better known for basketball, rebounded from a shocking 45-42 loss to Bowling Green to knock off defending SEC East champ Missouri, 31-27. IU helped out its beleaguered defense by running a more balanced offense, which stayed on the field long enough to pick up 241 rushing yards, to go along with 252 through the air.
Coach Randy Edsall is the namesake, at least phonetically, of the car that nobody bought because it was too just plain ugly. In truth, the Edsel was far less unsightly than most of the uniforms the Terps have worn during his tenure. Perhaps one game, they could wear head-sized models of Edsels in lieu of helmets. Phil Knight would be jealous.
Indiana 55, Maryland 44
North Carolina at Clemson
The Czar can’t believe the Tigers went for it on fourth down in overtime, instead of kicking a go-ahead field goal and putting the pressure on an inexperienced opposing quarterback. Before you point out that Florida State scored a TD on its possession anyway, keep in mind that the defense wouldn’t have been flailing so desperately if the Seminoles hadn’t started the possession in range for a winning kick.
What’s more important for the rest of their season is that coach Dabo Swinney has decided to start freshman DeShaun Watson ahead of caretaker QB Cole Stoudt. So far, Watson has four TDs to Stoudt’s one, while passing for almost the same yardage on 24 fewer attempts.
That bearded fellow with the Laura Dern hairstyle on the Tarheel sideline is Caleb Pressley, a former backup quarterback who is now a graduate assistant, and has been tabbed as “supervisor of morale.” You know what would be good for the team’s morale, Caleb? How about not giving up ten touchdowns, like they did in last week’s 70-41 shredding at the hands of East Carolina? Perhaps the negative effect of that result can be counteracted by declaring next Tuesday to be funny sock day, or something.
Clemson 51, North Carolina 35
Cincinnati at Ohio State
What Urban Outfitters did to Kent State on its tee-shirts was nothing compared to what the lumpy nuts did to their football team two weeks ago. Freshman quarterback J.T. Barrett threw for six touchdowns and 312 yards to lead the Buckeyes to a 66-0 blowout victory.
UC had a national Top Ten defense last season, but fired coordinator Art Kaufman anyway. Even with seven starters back, they’re coughing up 29 points and 464 yards per game so far. Why fire Art Kaufman? Perhaps he reminded Coach Tuberville of Andy Kaufman. At least that would be understandable.
The Bearcats almost fell victim in a Tomahawk Game last week. That’s what the team from Miami Ohio calls it when a heavy favorite is upset by their Red … um … Hawks. It’s named a Tomahawk Game after the hatchet-like weapon that was known to be wielded by … um … birds.
Ohio State 45, Cincinnati 20
Stanford at Washington
It’s a sad statement about the Big Ten that the 4-0 Huskies have played such a weak schedule, but their only easy win has been over Illinois. UW did win 45-14 a week ago, but only after trailing a visiting Georgia State team 14-0 at halftime.
The Cardinal have dropped three of their last five away from home, a trend they will have trouble reversing with remaining trips to Notre Dame, Arizona State, Oregon and UCLA. Last time they visited the Huskies, they were upset 17-13 in 2012.
David Shaw’s defense has blanked both Army and I-AA Cal-Davis, on either side of their 13-10 loss to USC. Beating Cal-Davis might not sound very impressive, but he was a pretty good ballplayer in North Dallas Forty.
Stanford 20, Washington 14
Missouri at South Carolina
The Tigers suffered their only regular season loss of 2013 to the Gamecocks, 27-24 in overtime. There are no worries that their season will be spoiled this time, since they’ve already been upended by Indiana, 31-27. The way Gary Pinkel’s club repeatedly pulled out unlikely victories last season, giving up the game-winner with 22 seconds left could signal that this will be a very different year for them.
Carolina came back from a crushing defeat against Texas A&M to win their next conference game against Georgia. That puts them right back in the running for the championship of the SEC, and therefore the nation. The Cocks clinched that game with a very close play on a fourth-down conversion, which in the Czar’s opinion was called correctly, but at any rate could not have been reversed.
Each school is located in Columbia, and being SEC teams, they actually are sort of affiliated with CBS. Nevertheless, they deny culpability for the continued employment of Charlie Rose.
South Carolina 32, Missouri 19
Notre Dame vs. Syracuse
The Fighting Irish always try to put together a great schedule, but it never seems to pan out. Rice and Michigan are both big disappointments this year, and Purdue is only slightly improved. The Orange, since losing at home to Maryland, will have a difficult time repeating last year’s winning record.
Whatever it is the Carrier Dome is a carrier of, you’d think SU would be immune. Instead, they’ve been dismal at home in an overtime win against I-AA Villanova and last week’s loss to Maryland, while winning 40-3 at Central Michigan in between. They must be thankful, then, that the Irish insisted on moving this game to the Meadowlands.
This may be entirely illogical, but as QB Everett Golson has returned to the Irish, he seems to have brought with him the defense that carried them to an unbeaten regular season in 2012. In three games, all against recognizable competition, the golden domers are outscoring their opponents by an average final of 36-10.
It’s a little-known fact (which, unlike most of the Czar’s little-known facts, happens to be true) that until 1890, SU’s official school color was pink. Too bad they didn’t think to invent “awareness” back then, or they would now be hailed as visionaries.
Notre Dame 17, Syracuse 7
Colorado at California
CU was held scoreless in the second half, but still held off Hawaii 21-12, to climb to 2-2. The Buffaloes are only 4-24 in conference play since joining the Pac 12, though, and that doesn’t include a 34-17 loss to Cal in 2011 that was technically a nonconference game.
The Golden Bears led Arizona 45-30 with under six minutes to play. Then they noticed the words “BEAR DOWN” on the Arizona Stadium turf. Being typically rebellious, freethinking college students, they naturally believe everything they see in print, so they obediently gave up 19 points in what little of the game remained.
The Bears lost that game on a 47-yard Hail Mary – at a public university, no less. That bunch of cranks from Wisconsin are going to have a field day with that one.
California 27, Colorado 23
Duke at Miami
The devil’s in the details of Duke’s 4-0 start, in that they opened against Division I-AA Elon, and their schedule hasn’t gotten much tougher from there. The Blue Devils proceeded to bury Troy, which is arguably the worst I-A team this season, and then record easy home victories over Kansas and Tulane. The Czar fears that college football is quickly heading the way of college basketball, where there’s no point in paying attention for the first third of the season anymore.
The other Duke, Miami RB Johnson, has rushed for over 900 yards each of the past two seasons, but should easily break 1,000 in his junior year, just as long as he doesn’t suffer another season-ending injury. Not only hasn’t Duke reached a thousand for an entire season, but 100-yard games elude him as well. So far, he’s rushed for between 90 and 97 yards in each of the Hurricanes’ four games.
Being conference rivals with such a great academic institution as Duke makes for a bit of an embarrassing contrast for the Canes, but they’re starting to close the gap. For instance, after decades of incorrectly addressing themselves as “The U,” they have decided to change it to the first person, by adopting the moniker “The I.” Okay, so it’s not plural, but at least they’re making progress.
Miami 37, Duke 29
Washington State at Utah
Cougar QB Connor Halliday threw for 436 yards last week against Oregon, and his season average actually fell. The biggest reason they were able to compete with UO in the 38-31 loss, however, was that he threw for four scores with no interceptions. It was his first game without a pick since defeating the Utes 49-37 last November in Pullman.
Kyle Whittingham’s team is off to a 3-0 start, with a surprisingly easy 26-10 win at Michigan last week. UU gained a meager 286 yards that day, but finished a plus-3 in takeaways, and also returned a punt for a touchdown.
The Utes are an Indian tribe, but since they’re no longer allowed to be, the team mascot is a hawk. However, as we’ve learned from Miami Ohio and Louisiana-Monroe, “Hawk” is now just a code-language slur for Indians. How long before the NCAA catches on to this underground “hostile and abusive” trend?
Washington State 31, Utah 30
Illinois at Nebraska
For some reason or other, the College Football Czar completely neglected to make an official pick on last week’s Nebraska-Miami game, in spite of the fact that, because of its history, it was possibly the most talked about game of the week. His winning percentage suffered for that oversight, because he never doubted that the Cornhuskers would win, which they did, 41-31.
Ameer Abdullah is not “merely” an Abdullah, although that’s what opponents must tell themselves. With 3,602 career rushing yards and an additional 529 in receptions, he strikes such fear in would-be tacklers that all they can do to comfort themselves is quietly mutter, “It’s only an Abdullah … It’s only an Abdullah.”
The 3-1 Fighting Illini have scored a pair of good wins against quality small conference teams, beating Western Kentucky 42-34 and Texas State 42-35, but in their only game against a big league opponent, they were whomped by Washington 44-19.
Illini are Indians, too. It’s just that few people realize it, because there is no dopey Illini Hawk mascot running around on the sideline.
Nebraska 53, Illinois 34
UTEP at Kansas State
Sophomore Texas-El Paso RB Aaron Jones already has 549 rushing yards in only three games, with seven touchdowns and a 7.8 per-carry average. In doing so, he has taken a lot of the heat off quarterback Jameill Showers, who has yet to be sacked for the first time this season.
Opposing defenders would just as soon have the Miners’ passing game be as inactive as possible. When Paydirt Pete starts throwing picks, the result isn’t exactly what defensive backs had in mind.
The Wildcats let one get away last Thursday against Auburn, when they went 0-3 in field goals, and WR Tyler Lockett lost an easy TD right into the waiting arms of an intercepting defender.
Since they bother to tell us that Jameill Showers, does that mean none of the other Miners do? If so, that solves the mystery of what really killed the canary.
Kansas State 43, UTEP 40
Marking.
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