It’s porn.
No real man would read this book.
As with everything in our culture, being creative garbage only means a more ready and welcoming audience.
Now I confess to liking porn as much as the next guy. But I couldn’t even make it all the way through this article. I can’t imagine getting through 500 pages of the book.
The basic premise of “50 Shades” is found in this old joke:
Man: Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?
Woman: Yes, I would.
Man: Would you sleep with me for five dollars?
Woman: NO. What kind of a woman do you think I am?
Man: We already established that. Now we’re just haggling over price.
Who cares? I say, let the women have their silly book. So long as I don’t have to read it or be dragged to the inevitable movie starring Shirley McLaine or Meg Ryan or Susan Sarandon...
So men like porn delivered via pictures and women like porn delivered via words - which just confirms that men and women are two different species united by a single rib.
Hilarious article.
Dave Barry is a certified genius!!! I have never read anything of his that did not cause me laugh until tears. Another superb column!!
As for the book, i wouldn’t read it to my dog.
Civilization, that’s the key. In a civilized society, male human beings are expected to suppress their normal animal instincts regarding sexual behavior with female human beings. This suppression is contrary to normal male animal behavior. Rabbits, dogs, cats, etc. operate sexually in a non-civilized manner. Cavemen acted on basic male animal instinct. Then, over time, they became civilized. While some civilized men have been able to overcome societal sexual restrictions (Hugh Hefner comes to mind), most civilized men just direct their energies toward non-sexual activities and remain frustrated and horny. In regard to understanding female human beings, women: I have no clue.
Women enjoy fantasizing about enjoying sex. Given the opportunity to actually have sex, women prefer instead to fantasize about it. If a man has issues with being aroused, he is certain their is something wrong with him. If a woman has issues with being aroused, she is also certain their is something wrong with him.
“I know that sounds like crazy talk, but I have firsthand confirmation of this phenomenon from my friend Ron, who is married to my wife’s cousin Sonia, a woman.”
I guess that line is in there so we’re clear that it doesn’t work with the other kind of “wife”.
With wisdom like that, there's no need to bother reading a book on the subject ;-)
I would rather burn it than read it
I read one paragraph of it, because it was posted on a forum I was on, and... it’s just... it’s not good writing! Hey, I have nothing against erotica. But you can find better stuff over on AO3. (Trust me, I know.)
Please. I don’t read schlock.
Elmore Leonard would have puked over that.
Unnngh, that awful first-person, present-tense composition. I can’t stand to read anything in present-tense.
Third-person is not much better: “James walks into the house and asks, ‘What’s for supper?’ His mother replies, ‘Food.’ ‘What kind of food?’ James persists. ‘Food you’ll eat or go hungry,’ his mother states firmly.’ “
And second-person narration, in which the writer purports to describe the thoughts and feelings of either the subject or the reader, is the absolute WORST!
My inner god just told me I’d get a bigger kick out of reading the phone book than this thing.