Cheer Up the Lonely Day
When : July 11th
Posted on 07/11/2014 5:57:18 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
When : July 11th
Cheer Up the Lonely Day is an opportunity to make a lonely person happy. Any time you can make someone happy, you've done a good thing, and should be proud of yourself.
Lonely people have few friends and loved ones. They may have lost loved ones over the years. They may be elderly. They see people on an infrequent basis.
Spend some time today cheering up lonely people. It's easy to do.....just spend some time with them. When you visit, bring happy things to talk about. Keep the conversation upbeat, and lively. When you leave, give a big hug and let them know you enjoyed the stay. Sending cards or making a phone call is okay, only if they live too far away to visit. What a lonely person really needs, is face to face time with other people.
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"
The rest is history...
Harry, the newest resident at the nursing home, is an old 85-year-old man whose wife passed away a few months ago. He rarely leaves his room, while trying to adjust to nursing home life. On occasion, he is seen sitting on a couch in one of the main living rooms, staring out the window with tears in his eyes.
Delores, another resident in her 80s, noticed Harry's sobbing one afternoon. Feeling bad for him, she approached calmly and asked what was bothering him so much.
"I'm so lonely," said Harry, "Without my wife here, I feel alone. Will you come sit here with me and keep me company?"
Compelled to make a new friend and to ease his pain, she takes a seat next to him. His sobbing gets a bit more intense.
Harry continued by saying, "Every afternoon, at about this time in the late afternoon, my wife and I would make love. We did it every day for 60 years."
Delores felt pretty bad for him, but was caught off guard when he grabbed her hand and placed it on his inner thigh.
After about ten minutes, Harry looked at her and asked, "Would you do me a kind favor for a lonely old man?"
"Sure Harry, what is it?" asked Delores.
"If I unzip my trousers, would you just hold it for a few minutes? It would really put me at ease," he said.
"Oh, Harry, I don't know about that." she replied.
His sobbing got even more intense. Delores was feeling really bad for him, so after a minute or so, she gave in and agreed to hold his member.
At first, it was an uncomfortable feeling for her. But after a half-hour of it, she became more at ease with the idea. As the early dinner bell rang, Harry zipped back up and said, "I would really appreciate it if you would come back and meet me here again tomorrow at 4:00."
She reluctantly agreed. And so it went the next day. And the next day. And the next. This went on for a couple of weeks, that they would sit on the couch, with her holding his shriveled up buddy and staring out the window together. It became something of a relationship for her - Delores was actually looking forward to it every morning she woke up.
Then one afternoon at 4:00, she walked to the living room and Harry wasn't there. She checked his room to no avail. She searched the nursing home high and low, asking people if they had seen him. Finally, she found another old man who said he saw Harry sitting on the bench in the garden.
So, Delores went out there and saw him sitting with another woman. As she got closer, she saw the old lady holding his member.
"What the hell are you doing Harry?" she asked with an obviously angry tone. "How could you do such a thing to me? What does she have that I don't, Harry?"
Harry looked up at her, and shrewdly answered, "Parkinson's"
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by: Pissing and moaning.
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the Arizona desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? “
“Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush....”
No strings attached (just walk in):
• Friday, July 11: Small Slurpee
Must download 7-Eleven app:
• July 12: Big Gulp soft drink
• July 13: M&M's Birthday Cake Flavor candies
• July 14: Grandma's Cookies
• July 15: Hostess Twinkies
• July 16 Snickers or Twix brand ice cream bar
• July 17: Quaker Chewy Yogurt snack bar
• July 18: Pillsbury cookie
• July 19: Small Slurpee
Yep! :-)
Ham bush!! LOLOL
I knew you posted that!!!!
Yeah. Me too!
Oh...
July 20: free stomach pumping.
...without looking at the signature line.... (snirt)
It’s cruel to post that picture without a clickable link. Just saying...
Who is this Rorschach guy? … and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus…. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. … René says, “I think not,” then disappears.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
Yo momma’s so classless… she could be a Marxist utopia.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?… He’s 0K now.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. … After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”
Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”… The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says, “Yes!”
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? … Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?… An etymologist knows the difference.
The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. … Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.
There are two types of people in this world:… Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, “No, I’m travelling light.”
Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.
I’m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years.
What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? … …
It took me awhile on the Batman joke.....but it finally hit.
FMCDH(BITS)
Make it 537!
LOL, good combination of characters there. :)
Perhaps this helps.
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