Posted on 03/07/2014 7:17:46 PM PST by Gamecock
Excerpt…
Like most people in my coveted demographic, I probably watch as many Seinfeld reruns on TBS and my local stations as I do brand new shows, despite the fact that I’ve seen every episode dozens of times and constantly quote them when I’m telling stories to my dog. What can I say? Even the 75th viewing of “The Serenity Now” is still funnier than anything that has ever happened on Two and a Half Men.
But possibly unlike most people, I overanalyze almost everything about the ridiculousness of Seinfeld, and I try to rationalize a lot of what happened to Jerry and the gang as if it happened in real life. How many ways would Joe Davola have chopped up Kramer’s body once he kicked him in the head? At what point would Jerry have decided that enough was enough and moved without telling Kramer? When would Elaine finally settle into a loveless marriage with a wealthy man? How old would George Costanza have been when his heart finally exploded?
The one question that came up in a conversation with a friend, though, was “Who was Jerry’s best girlfriend?” That friend – we’ll call him Bob Sacamano – eventually challenged me to make a ranking of Jerry’s best girlfriends. “But not just one of those ‘Who was the hottest’ lists with no detail,” he demanded. “I’m talking a thorough, scientific analysis based on everything that we look for in a woman.” Later, he’d say that he was joking, but it was already too late.
My mind began racing and my fingers began typing, as I watched old episodes yet again and went through detailed breakdowns of every episode. Thus, I decided that I’d rank the 50 best girlfriends that Jerry dated on Seinfeld, using 1-10 scales for the following categories: Personality, Intelligence, Looks, Cleanliness, Sense of Humor, Compassion, Fidelity, and an overall “Gaga” factor. I call this scoring system the Kavorka Score, and the results will forever be locked inside my safe because this system is too powerful to fall into the wrong man hands.
The only girlfriend not considered in this ranking is Elaine, because she was the first and a core part of the show. Plus, we never really talk about it, but Elaine was as lousy at commitment as Jerry was. In fact, I’m surprised she and Jerry didn’t have their own tractor stories by the time the show aired its finale. Otherwise, every girlfriend over the span of all nine seasons has been considered, and with that said, I give you this very scientific ranking of Seinfeld’s girlfriends.
The Women that Didn’t Make the Cut
Sandra (“The Cheever Letters”): I understand that she was turned off by Jerry’s terrible sex talk –“You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?” – but she didn’t have to rat him out to Elaine.
Bridgette (“The Diplomat’s Club”): She was very attractive but barely on the show. I still could have made a case for her to be No. 1 based on that. Gail Cunningham (“The Shoes”): She wouldn’t kiss Jerry. That’s pretty messed up.
Margaret (“The Big Salad”): She dated Newman and wasn’t “his type.” That’s a damning statement.
Angela (“The Good Samaritan”): Jerry should have just turned her into the cops for the hit-and-run so he could date Becky Gelke.
Corinne (“The Marine Biologist”): Carol Kane might have been Jerry’s absolute worst love interest.
Naomi (“The Bubble Boy”): The awful laugh was one thing, but I hold grudges against everyone that was involved with Caddyshack II.
Sue Ellen Mischke (“The Caddy”): Sure, the braless wonder was a great candidate, but they didn’t actually date. It was just infatuation.
Shelly (“The Doodle”): After Fletch, Dana Wheeler-Nicholson should have been at least a B-list actress. I’d like to know what happened to her career that made her so unsuccessful.
Lisi (“The Sentence Finisher”): She was awful. Keith Hernandez (“The Boyfriend”): I still think they could have had one season that featured Keith in the gang as Jerry’s best friend.
is that her burning water? :-)
yup.
but then his parents raved about her and that’s when he lost interest, b/c if THEY thought she was awesome therehad to be something wrong.
I liked Elisa Lowenshon, the gymnast, who was disappointed in the Comedian. She also starred in weird vampire movie with Peter Fonda among others.
There was also Winona, the Indian.
And the understudy, who seemed to be a Tonya Harding lookalike.
All that being said, George and Kramer had more interesting girlfriends.
The fem author of this article is a symbol of what’s going wrong in America. She is more concerned with crap sit-coms than what changes are being enforced on US citizens by the Obama/Holder regime.
She mentions Seinfeld and Two and 1/2 Men. After seeing the teaser ads for those and other ridiculous programs, like Friends, et al, I quickly made a decision to never watch them; and I swear I’ve never watched a single episode.
Her generation and those following the trend are responsible for the decline of success in America and its very low rating as a world power by countries around the world.
I detest these brain-dead airheads like her.
Wow! ...My first posting on this thread was before reading the following comments.
I’m definitely surprised by how many FReepers have watched such programs. ....Sorry if my comments pissed anyone off, but I was just expressing my thoughts on such programs.
But you take pride in posting on every Seinfeld thread on FR. :-P
Aw. So sweet. Sorry for your loss. I'll bet she loved you as much as you loved her. God bless.
She’s beautiful! And cute as a button!
A lot of TV one gets from osmosis, just being American. Seinfeld is a brilliant show in a lot of ways (have caught episodes here and there ... I like Kramer the best, he just busts me up).
... and I swear I’ve never watched a single episode. Her generation and those following the trend are responsible for the decline of success in America and its very low rating as a world power by countries around the world.
I am disgusted with about 90 percent of what little I see on TV. I appreciate your distinction of "the generation responsible for." But really, shows like Seinfeld are no more responsible for what a generation becomes, than Shakespeare was for the behavior of his contemporaries.
Bingo
He was kinda married to George too.
Not that there’s anything WRONG with that.
Marble Rye.
Why did you tell her I’m a marine biologist. You KNOW I’ve always wanted to pretend to be an architect.
Should have gone all CAPS - I mean your whole post.
(To steal from "Stripes": "Lighten up, Francis")
Actually my favorite was from one of the very first episodes, in the first season. George was dating Jerry’s accountant, who ended up having a breakdown and going into a mental institution. She made papier mâché hats, if you recall, and George asked if that was practical, since the hats would get wet in the rain. The actress who played her ended up playing another unlikable eccentric in Northern Exposure.
George dated Michelle Pfeiffers sister.
And one if the most screamingly funny episodes was the Pez dispenser episode in which George was was obsessed with getting “hand” (meaning the upper hand) in his relationship with a pianist. When she dumps him, he says “you can’t do that, I have hand.” She says “And you’re gonna need it.”
What about some of Elaine’s boyfriends? One of my favorites was The Communist, who seemed to look like Leon Trotsky.
I stopped watching TV in 2009. I couldn’t talk intelligently about say Modern Family or other current shows. But I have been listening to a lot of old CBS radio mystery theatre shows on YouTube. I think this escapist stuff is important for the same reason I voted for WA to start selling booze in the grocery stores—during the Obama administration—you’re gonna need it.
That was Kramer’s GF
The deaf girl. Maudlin something.
butt was too big.
4
The second-most seen girl in Dobie's life was Zelda Gilroy (Sheila James), because of 'propinquity.'
Other girlfriends were Cheryl Holdridge, Michele Lee, Susan Watson, Marlo Thomas, Sally Kellerman, Ellen Burstyn (billed as Ellen McRae), Barbara Babcock, Sherry Jackson, Diana Millay, Barbara Bain. Yvonne Craig (who played five different girlfriends), and Danielle De Metz.
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