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Creative Freepers: The OFFICIAL Bulwer-Lytton Contest thread for 2014
Bulwer-Lytton.com ^ | Jan 2, 2014 | By: All of us

Posted on 01/02/2014 9:12:00 AM PST by Lazamataz

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) is a tongue-in-cheek contest that takes place annually and is sponsored by the English Department of San Jose State University in San Jose, California. Entrants are invited "to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels" – that is, deliberately bad. According to the official rules, the prize for winning the contest is "a pittance",[1] or $250.[2]

The contest was started in 1982 by Professor Scott E. Rice of the English Department at San Jose State University and is named for English novelist and playwright Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, author of the much-quoted first line "It was a dark and stormy night". This opening, from the 1830 novel Paul Clifford, continues floridly:


TOPICS: Books/Literature; Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: bulwerlytton
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To: Lazamataz

Having donned his crimson plaid pajamas, gingerly wiping his true black framed glasses, stirring his tepid cup of cocoa with his pinky which he sucked clean as he fingered his keyboard gleefully logging on to healthcare.gov, he tittered orgasmically and waited for a climax that never came.


21 posted on 01/02/2014 9:40:39 AM PST by JoeProBono (SOME IMAGES MAY BE DISTURBING VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED;-{)
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To: Eric in the Ozarks

That’s actually a worthwhile entry into the humor category. :)


22 posted on 01/02/2014 9:40:56 AM PST by Lazamataz (Early 2009 to 7/21/2013 - RIP my little girl Cathy. You were the best cat ever. You will be missed.)
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To: Lazamataz

You have no chance.

Your brilliant use of the comma (”,”) and distaste for the period (”.”) will allow the judges to immediately identify you as an obvious professional, trained in one of the great Universities, a seasoned writer, almost certainly a good parent, schooled in the details of English grammar and very likely the author of one or more Best Sellers.

In other words you are not going to get away with it. But, nice, try, anyway.


23 posted on 01/02/2014 9:41:38 AM PST by InterceptPoint
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To: Lazamataz

Calvary?


24 posted on 01/02/2014 9:43:21 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: Lazamataz

I stole it from a B-L contest of years ago.


25 posted on 01/02/2014 9:44:04 AM PST by Eric in the Ozarks ("Say Not the Struggle Naught Availeth.")
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To: humblegunner

That’s pretty good! Maybe you ought to start a blog.


26 posted on 01/02/2014 9:44:45 AM PST by OwenKellogg (Fundamental transformation sucks.)
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To: Lazamataz

“Mitch shook with blindfolded anticipation as the restraints cut into his wrists, yet he wondered if the $5,000 he’d paid to Spitzer’s Dom was worth it as she whispered the hated words seductively into his ear....”Conservative”.


27 posted on 01/02/2014 9:47:39 AM PST by Norm Lenhart
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To: OwenKellogg

Good idea, I love blogs.


28 posted on 01/02/2014 9:48:03 AM PST by humblegunner
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To: Lazamataz
Two of my favorites with one being a runner-up in 1983 but also misreported as the 2005 winner!? - see the chronological winner list here;

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal."
--Steven Garman, Pensacola, Florida (1984 Winner)
Is that you Ahrnald?

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
-- Apparent 1983 runner up but above web site admits to losing the entries so no attribution!
Cannot find the author but as far as the lead line for a bodice-ripper, WOW!

Entries due same date as your Tax Return, just don't send them to the same place OR (God forfend) misaddress the envelopes! IRS has no sense of humor (surgically removed) and would be likely to assess severe penalties for you offending their propriety!

29 posted on 01/02/2014 9:51:16 AM PST by SES1066 (Quality, Speed or Economical - Any 2 of 3 except in government - 1 at best but never #3!)
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To: ShadowAce

“OOPS”


30 posted on 01/02/2014 10:02:24 AM PST by Lazamataz (Early 2009 to 7/21/2013 - RIP my little girl Cathy. You were the best cat ever. You will be missed.)
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To: Lazamataz

Bill was saddened by the direction the HR’s board review was going, and a little nervous, yet he remained confident that in the end, the facts would show that despite his young intern’s claims to the contrary, yes, it does look remarkably like a Telefunken U47 and his job would remain secure because truth is always the best defense.


31 posted on 01/02/2014 10:04:07 AM PST by Norm Lenhart
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To: Lazamataz

The clammy feeling across her shoulders in the night woke her yet again just as the image shimmered over the bed. Oh, to believe it were but a dream! But her eyes had opened, and there he was, again, the image of that damned ambassador’s face, undulating as if made of smoke, and she pulled the blanket over her ears before the sound could be heard. Yet the moan came right through her fists clenching the covers over her ears as if not muted in the least.

“Help me, help meeee, HELP MEEE,” the image pleaded, growing louder and more desperate. She shook with fear.

“It’s happening again! Make it stop!” Her trembles turned to spastic thrashing. Yet she heard the moans and even with now clenched eyes, saw the face, so pale and grey.

Her movements had awakened her lover. “Oh, Hillary, go back to sleep. It’s just that stupid dream again.” Huma brushed back from her face a mass of long tangled black hair. “Don’t let it get to you. At this point, what difference does it even make?”


32 posted on 01/02/2014 10:06:46 AM PST by Yaelle
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To: Lazamataz

Sadly, Johnathan yawned and realized that his dancing with Miley Cyrus instead of finishing his drama had only validated the old saw saw that, “All twerk and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”


33 posted on 01/02/2014 10:07:30 AM PST by blueunicorn6 ("A crack shot and a good dancer")
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To: Lazamataz

This is going to be a great thread...


34 posted on 01/02/2014 10:08:28 AM PST by CatherineofAragon ((Support Christian white males----the architects of the jewel known as Western Civilization.))
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To: Eric in the Ozarks

HAHAHAHAHA!!!


35 posted on 01/02/2014 10:08:32 AM PST by WXRGina (The Founding Fathers would be shooting by now.)
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To: Norm Lenhart

The Speaker wondered aloud, as he pondered the “You LIE” comment of Joe Wilson, shrieked at a smirking Obama; he, a brave Congressperson who was mercilessly savaged in every article for stating this fact, which ‘professional Washington’ denied, but was subsequently proven again and again, if Norm Lenhart knew anything about reloading.


36 posted on 01/02/2014 10:09:52 AM PST by Lazamataz (Early 2009 to 7/21/2013 - RIP my little girl Cathy. You were the best cat ever. You will be missed.)
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To: Lazamataz

Howard found himself questioning his sexuality as he felt the full force of Obamacare crashing hard against his prostate.


37 posted on 01/02/2014 10:12:00 AM PST by Norm Lenhart
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To: Lazamataz
Do you have a category for legislative fiction?

H.R.3590
One Hundred Eleventh Congress of the United States of America
AT THE SECOND SESSION
Begun and held at the City of Washington on Tuesday, the fifth day of January, two thousand and ten

An Act

Entitled The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE; TABLE OF CONTENTS.

(a) Short Title- This Act may be cited as the ‘Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act’.


38 posted on 01/02/2014 10:20:18 AM PST by KarlInOhio (Everyone get online for Obamacare on 10/1. Overload the system and crash it hard!)
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To: Lazamataz

The White House press had a dillema... President Obama had hired a full string section, purchased a violin and called for 5000 gallons of environmentally friendly biofuel to be delivered to the White House...there must be some connection...but what?


39 posted on 01/02/2014 10:24:17 AM PST by Norm Lenhart
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“But I do have a sense of humor” - the professor quipped, then pointed and asked, “Do you know the difference between my breath and miasma?” His colleague grinned out a “No.” and waited for the punch line. “That’s a shame.” the professor shot back, “You probably wouldn’t understand my joke.”


40 posted on 01/02/2014 10:30:27 AM PST by Heartlander (We are all Rodeo Clowns now!)
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