***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

Can you spot Obama taking a selfie?

Kids and Christmas:

"Santa's Lap"

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

-=+=-

"Christmas Pageant"

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church.
At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom.
She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

-=+=-

"The Nativity Scene"

A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity.
The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.
However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that just did not seem to fit in.
When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That's Round John Virgin."

-=+=-

"The Lost Purse"

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it.
Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

hristmas Songs Final Exam:

The following words are alternate titles for several well-known Christmas carols. See if you can figure out what songs they are. (Answers below.)

1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness.
5. Arrival Time: 2400 hrs - Weather: Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermilion Proboscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Rate yourself:
15-20 correct - You don’t need any Yuletide spirit!
10-14 correct - You could use something in your stocking!
5-9 correct - Are you sure you have the right holiday?
1-4 correct - Surely you jest!?!

Answers:
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:

I’m in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ’s sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?

My birth date you have in my social security file. It’s on EVERY income tax form I’ve filed for the past 35+ years. It’s on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver’s license, it’s on the last eight damned passports I’ve had, it’s on every stupid customs declaration form I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30+ years. And it’s on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert, and I’m reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you and me, I’ve had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And “No,” I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^*% copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? No-o-ooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off.

Then I have to find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where I’m not allowed to smile. Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed- An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years, and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor, WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

And you assholes want to run our health care system??

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