The Great Debate: Real Vs. Fake?
Fake Quotes
Hard to believe these aren't real.
The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you never know if they are genuine. — Abraham Lincoln
When in doubt, attribute quotes to Mark Twain. — Mark Twain
The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source. — George Washington
I hate it when people quote me on the internet, claiming I said things that I never actually said. — Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
A woman can have a smile, and a woman can have a large backside, but I have been to the mountain and I am here to tell you that when a woman has both of those things she is not to be trusted. — Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Dude, I never said half the shit people attribute to my name, lolz. — Mark Twain
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. will have some good ideas. — Theodore Roosevelt
People who use unattributable and obviously made-up quotes to make some clever point on the internet are the absolute worst. — Anonymous
The fabrication of Oscar Wilde quotes is among the noblest of endeavors. — Oscar Wilde
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but the living room in your fortified compound. — Kurt Vonnegut
Wear sunscreen. — Count Dracula
The use of CGI for Green Lantern's costume is, frankly, a bit distracting. I wish they hadn't done that. — David Ben-Gurion
On the Internet, nobody knows you’re not quoting Martin Luther King, Jr. — Abraham Lincoln
Behind every great man there stands a great woman. Behind every great woman is a great behind. — Bill Clinton
Some of my best friends are Oscar Wilde. — Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I once killed a man for snoring too loudly. — Gandhi
Rumors of my wit have been greatly exaggerated. — Mark Twain
A fish in the bush is worth two in the pants. — Benjamin Franklin
2 million people will misquote me on Facebook, but most of them won't drag their lazy ass out bed to go vote. — Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Laugh loudly and carry a big stick of butter. — Paula Deen
Who's on first are belong to us. — Bud Abbott & Lou Costello
We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false! — Rush Limbaugh
That's not a quote! This is a quote! — Crocodile Dundee
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue. — Thomas Edison
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. — Albert Einstein
I've got a bad feeling about this. — Albert Camus
You are excluded from surf and turf night. You are excluded from ravioli night. You are excluded from chicken cutlet night. — Queen Elizabeth II
One misquote is one too many already! — Caesar Augustus
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other were their looks. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
ObamaFlowers
(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaFlowers, My name is Trina. How can I help you?
(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Professional Flowers stating that my flower order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your website, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.
(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the website. It should be fixed by the end of November. But I can help you.
(Customer) Thanks, I ordered a “Spring Bouquet” for our anniversary, and wanted it delivered to my wife.
(Receptionist Interrupting) Sir, “Spring Bouquets” do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with Red Roses.
(Customer) But I have always ordered “Spring Bouquets”, done it for years, my wife likes them.
(Receptionist) Roses are better, sir, I am sure your wife will love them.
(Customer) Well, how much are they?
(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package.
(Customer) What’s the difference? (Receptionist) 6, 12,18 or 24 Red Roses.
(Customer) The Silver package may be okay, how much is it?
(Receptionist) It depends sir, what is you monthly income?
(Customer) What does that have to do with anything? (Receptionist) I need that to determine your government flower subsidy, then I can determine how much your out of pocket cost will be. But if your income is below our minimums for a subsidy, then I can refer you to our FlowerAid department.
(Customer) FlowerAid?
(Receptionist) Yes, Flowers are a Right, everyone has a right to flowers. So, if you can’t afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.
(Customer) Who said they were a Right?
(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.
(Customer) Whoa.....I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding Flowers as a Right.
(Receptionist) It is not really a Right in the Constitution, but ObamaFlowers is Constitutional because the Supreme Court Ruled it a “Tax”. Taxes are Constitutional. But we feel it is a Right.
(Customer) I don’t believe this...
(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?
(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the flowers this year.
(Receptionist) In that case sir, I will still need your monthly income.
(Customer) Why?
(Receptionist) To determine what your ‘non-participation’ cost would be.
(Customer) WHAT? Your can’t charge me for NOT buying flowers!
(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It’s $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income.....
(Customer)interrupting) This is ridiculous, I’ll pay the $9.50..
(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.
(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!
(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.
(Customer) Look, I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay it.
(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that’s why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone your are using.
(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?
(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates sir (Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)
(Receptionist) That would be the IRS sir. Thanks for calling ObamaFlowers, have a nice day...and God Bless America.
