....this one is a keeper
I found a list of possible names for America’s new war on Syria. Sp, what would you call it?
1. Operation Jesus Walks With Me
2. Operation Syrius Shit
3. Operation Assault on Mordor
4. Operation Bash Assad
5. Operation We’ve Been Drinking
6. Operation Destroyacus
7. Operation Mediterranean Diet of Death
8. Operation Twerkstorm
9. Operation Arab Sting
10. Celebrity Death Strike
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.
Top ten! (?)
It is silly but so scary at the same time.
Top 12?
Yea!! It’s Finally Friday!!
My favorite words...
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
Red Skelton on marriage.
I take my wife everywhere—but she keeps finding her way back.
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Hysterical! This is a great start to Friday Silliness!
But since Syria has only 22 million people Obama can do whatever he feels like there.
IN!
TOP....something.
NEW CHURCH INSTRUCTIONS... This about covers what can happen in the future..
PASTOR: “Praise the Lord!”
CONGREGATION: “Hallelujah!”
PASTOR: “Will everyone please turn on their tablet,
PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor. 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.”
P-a-u-s-e......
“Now, Let us pray committing this week into God’s hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God”
S-i-l-e-n-c-e
“As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready.”
“You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password ‘Lord909887.’
The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
a.. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
b.. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
c.. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to
the church account.”
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
“Final Blessing and Closing Announcements...
a.. This week’s ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don’t miss out.
b.. Thursday’s Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don’t miss out.
c.. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.
d.. God bless you and have nice day.”
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 100 old people are reading this
A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles,put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
*A Russian doctor says: “That’s nothing either.***** In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: “That’s nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA, about 5years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work. “
