FReeper Advice on Divorce

wac3rd ^ | 07-12-13 | wac3rd

[wac3rd]

I want some advice as to any FReepers who have gone through a divorce. We have good jobs, good health (I'm a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6'4") and two young kids, 6 and 2.

There is just no feeling there anymore, we just resent each other and there is no love or passion. We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.

I tried to get her to church, she isn't super religious, but spiritual (good person).

I live in the suburbs on San Francisco and feel really lonely after coming home, working long hours, and feeling unwanted. I love the kids so much but my wife is constantly complaining about something I do wrong.

I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse. After 10 years, we rarely are intimate and she is happier at a cooking class or bike riding with the girls than going to a movie, dinner or working out with me.

I wonder if any FReepers have been through this, I pray a lot asking what I can do, but she is so negative and never smiles when I am home. It is really tough.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[informavoracious]

Try the book, "The Love Dare."

I have been married for 35 years, but I know so many people whose marriages didn't make it. More than one has confided they wish they'd stuck it out. Often when we are in a very familiar relationship, the grass looks greener anywhere else. But people don't think about the downside. You could leave this marriage, find someone else, and in five years be in the same predicament. Whoever else you find will come with their own baggage. And you will have likely lost influence in your kids' lives, certainly lost money and property, and you and your wife will still resent each other. Try to understand where that resentment comes from. Do you blame each other for your lives not being perfect? You probably are not the source of her unhappiness and vice versa. Write her a letter if it's hard to talk. Go to a marriage-encounter type weekend. Work it out if you possibly can. There is no greater joy than watching the children you have made together grow and and have kids of their own. Best of luck to you.

[JSteff]

We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.

Isn't that what most marriages in the U.S. are like today?
The kids are all that matters and why you are even here today. Years from now, when all the confusion of today is past for you and the wife, they will be the only imprint of you both on the world.

So forget about everything else and have fun being a dad cause that is all you really have and will remember of today... or of tomorrow. Your kids are all that is important to you and will be your testament to the world and God.

[mylife]

And what does one do when the nest is empty?
Seriously
And she is a stranger?

[TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig]

Without kids I’d say decide whther you prefer broke for a while and happy or money and unhappy...but with kids you got a whole new ballgame.

It sucks when everyone around you just takes it for granted that you will shoulder he load and they deserve to have what you provide....but it usually happens when we allow it to happen.

Expect more and get more...expect less and get less.

If I were you I would point out what You do and demand more from everyone around you (noting the kids are young).

[Yosemitest]

With mood changes and changes in stress level, you might want to get your blood sugar checked.
Diabetes is NOT something you want to become involved with.
Finances permitting, take a well needed vacation to a place you both like, and I really like the national parks.
Finances permitting, get reservations in the park's hotel, and let God's beauty of creation sooth and refresh you.
Also realize that your wife's also dealing with body changes in the late 40s and that might be a part of it.
Look, I'm no expert, but it takes TWO to communicate, and when one party quits, it's hard for the other party to do it alone.
There are books I'd recommend, but both parties have to want it, and if one is NOT religious, THAT may be the very heart of the problem.

[Mark17]

Having been through a California divorce myself, I can just about assure you, that you could be totally screwed. Get a good men’s rights lawyer. They might be able to help you keep some of your assets, so you can support your kids. It might cost you some cash, but it might cost you a whole lot more if you don’t.

[Irenic]

You can never go back to yesterday.

Even after you’ve divorced, you will still be a ‘paycheck’...even more so.

Search your heart and think wise, weigh it good before you jump.

What would she think if she read this thread?

Talk to her, I think that would be my next move...

And maybe rent The War of the Roses...lol

[dagogo redux]

Four thoughts:

1. Unless there’s been some egregious violation of the vows on either side, don’t divorce.

2. If you have to ask total strangers for advice about keeping your vows, don’t divorce.

3. Marriage is the vows you took. The vows are the marriage. Your feelings and her feelings are the petty concerns of mere children by comparison. Pay these selfish feelings no mind. Just realize you have to grow up.

4. You also have children now. For their sake, honor your vows to each other, or they will be damaged irreparably.

[mylife]

What would she think if she read this thread?

Wise Words.

[JSteff]

but the urge for companionship and a “fun partner” to try things with, dance with, travel with, read with...is never there

Forget about that it will just make you crazy. The KIDS are all that matters.
Sorry, but make it legal and get your rights with the kids on paper. Protect you and your assets and get it all on paper.
If she really wants to keep you all together she will come around when she needs to step forward and address your legal pleadings/papers.
It sounds hard but it really is necessary. The most important thing is the kids so don;t cede them to your worries about a failed relationship. That is temporary in the long term scheme of things.
All that really matters now is the kids, and our health. Consider the marriage to be a finished deal
If it is not, it can still work out, but just in case make it all legal and protect ALL your rights.

[21twelve]

My wife and I were having a bit of a spat several years ago. Not too bad, but the kids could tell. My one daughter asked “are you guys getting a divorce?” (Sad - but so many of their friends have divorced parents).

We explained no, we are not getting a divorce, we’re just mad, and we’ll iron things out. My wife said “When we got married and said “’till death do we part” we both meant it. And I said “Divorce is not an option.”

My other daughter, after thinking about it for a minute, asked; “Is that an option you sign before; or can you sign it after you get married?”

[Yosemitest]

Click on them

How To Have A Happy Marriage

[BlackAdderess]

OK, you haven’t listed what your wife is complaining about, it also sounds as though you may be trying to get her to fill up a void within you that she is not able to do. Hard to tell on the info you have given but that last one did come through.

Going to church is a great idea as long as it’s a good one, not a weird one. Take yourself only though (unless she volunteers), because church shopping together when you are already fighting is likely to be nothing so much as a lovely excuse to fight even more. Ditto working out, ditto date night.

Keep your resolutions to yourself at this stage, don’t try to draw her in but by all means include her if she asks. You are probably feeling burned out, frazzled, and disconnected so take baby steps and don’t beat yourself up if the changes you want do not happen overnight. Maybe start by finding a nice church, a supportive community, and participate in the various activities with other members. I’m betting your wife will be in this way drawn back to you and will stop running away. In any event I wouldn’t be taking hasty legal action unless there are affairs, in which case you will need to guard your health (both physical and mental) to ensure your own well being and that of dependent family members.

The complaining that she is doing might be serving the purpose of communicating information that you really should listen to but it may be the case that she is very frustrated and will as a result tear onto you like a harpy every chance she gets, which is to say that she may not be at her most diplomatic or best. Personally I resorted to chemical warfare consisting of beans, cabbage, and curry, but that level of animosity was due to many lies, affairs, and more lies. Affairs are toxic so don’t stick around, but you can work through the other stuff 99% of the time. Best of luck to you and your family.

[BlackAdderess]

I have it on good authority (from a co-worker that tried it) that flowers/candy/gifts can backfire because your wife may wonder what you are up to and think that you must be feeling guilty about something.

[wardaddy]

Baring that the husband is a jackass or whups her

Good women know their man needs loving

And they make themselves readily available even into empty nest years and try to watch weight and keep looking relatively hot

And any man worth a damn makes sure they are glad they did all that

Baring extreme age or illness

Marriage with no sexual relations.......ain’t much

Its like being buddies.....I guess

But you guys have little kids and sound under 40

All things being equal you oughta be banging every other nite.....

Damn shame with two kids....divorce is irreversible heartbreak for them

You must have had heat 3 years ago....with your baby as evidence

Any suspicions about her?

To be honest.....looking back

Kids are everything to me...and I think divorce is ruinous for them

Wife cuts me off......no good reason....I would get a lover or girlfriend

Carefully....be discreet.....don’t shame wifey openly.....and ride it out to raise kids unless you are to throwing dishes phase of marital unhappiness

A lonely professional married gal makes best affair partner

She will appreciate the attention and warmth but with skin in the game less likely to rat you out or go Fatal Attraction on you

Single mistress is riskier.....much more so....you tire of her she will love telling wifey over coffee

Its not easy but beats divorce on many levels with kids involved.....little ones like yours

This is not new.....when I grew up most successful men had spares....now its costlier

I wish it weren’t so for you hoss

I have been with wifet two for 20 years now....been perfect pretty much from blind date on....

Women are such a need for old school men like me

I do not have your issue but I know men who do and what I described is what they do.....discreetly

Wife has lost interest in sex and they don’t want to harm everyones life for freedom.....think jackass Gore

One bank CEO I know whose wife lost interest ariund 45 has had a married lady friend for 20 years....she’s 50 now

Her doctor husband lost interet in her but she sure didn’t want divorce either

It ain’t perfect but beats celibate marriage....

If you guys have issues you might work on that first....

Man....folks just get weird.....I am truly sorry

Good luck...
Stay strong.....don’t admit crap from guilt....this ain’t about you

[mylife]

He is sick of stepping away.

[greeneyes]

Once I was talking to a friend about my sister’s divorce, and she told me that all the people she knew who were married to spouse number 2 might have stayed married to number 1, if they had just worked as hard during marriage number 1.

The attitude that this marriage will stay together come hell or high water is an essential attitude in my book.LOL.

[flaglady47]

“I have it on good authority (from a co-worker that tried it) that flowers/candy/gifts can backfire because your wife may wonder what you are up to and think that you must be feeling guilty about something.”

Well, that may be just the kick in the pants she needs, lol. If she feels threatened, she may shape up. Nothing like thinking there is competition out there.

[flaglady47]

“He is sick of stepping away.”

Then he should step forward. Be proactive.

[Atlantan]

Are you on any kind of exercise program? I’ve been married for over 40 years, but it hasn’t been easy. About 15 years ago I started running and find it has a calming effect on me. It’s good to get out of the house, have a good run and clear your mind.

Here’s a program to get started: http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/