FReeper Advice on Divorce

wac3rd ^ | 07-12-13 | wac3rd

[wac3rd]

I want some advice as to any FReepers who have gone through a divorce. We have good jobs, good health (I'm a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6'4") and two young kids, 6 and 2.

There is just no feeling there anymore, we just resent each other and there is no love or passion. We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.

I tried to get her to church, she isn't super religious, but spiritual (good person).

I live in the suburbs on San Francisco and feel really lonely after coming home, working long hours, and feeling unwanted. I love the kids so much but my wife is constantly complaining about something I do wrong.

I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse. After 10 years, we rarely are intimate and she is happier at a cooking class or bike riding with the girls than going to a movie, dinner or working out with me.

I wonder if any FReepers have been through this, I pray a lot asking what I can do, but she is so negative and never smiles when I am home. It is really tough.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[vetvetdoug]

Work it out at all costs. There is some good advice by freepers to consider. Being alone and back on the dating scene is no fun and distressing at an older age. I lost my wife 12 years ago and think of a million things I would have done differently to keep from being in the situation I am currently which is alone. God bless you and I wish you the best.

[Errant]

I never said that I hoped anything bad would happen ever a again and I still kind of panic when others do.

This is a story handed down by our family of our Indian heritage. One of my great grandfathers married an Indian woman. She wanted to go to a party with one of his sisters. He didn't want her to go. She went anyway which made him very mad and he told her, "I hope lightening strikes you!" That very day lightening struck her and killed her.

[Persevero]

You do not have biblical grounds for divorce. You should therefore not get one.

It is spiritually and otherwise hard for you to live like this. I recommend you get regular and biblical counsel from your pastor, ASSUMING he counsels biblically. If not, pm me, I will email you an excellent reference for a biblical pastor I can recommend without reservation who is in SF.

Prayed for you.

Obedience to God is not an option.

[fieldmarshaldj]

Prayers for you.

[Caipirabob]

Prayers your way, I wish I could tell you something useful otherwise. I just don’t know the situation well enough. I can tell you that a divorce, even when warranted is a soul draining experience. The effects on the children at that age? It’s like given the scenario you stated, unless you are partners raising the kids, then whoever doesn’t get custody will be alienated by the children.

[wardaddy]

So is divorce or a wife refusing sex.

Discreet affair sure beats the cost divorce brings on husband and kids in particular

God can sort out who did worse.....wife who refused or husband who cheated in response

[matginzac]

My brother went through a divorce in CA a while back and came out OK so it might give some hope...
Seven years married, no kids (phew) but she had him put her on the mortgage one week before she walked and she went after half his retirement.
Took two LONG years but he got away with paying one lump of abt $100K, most of which went to her lawyer...heh....boy, was she po’d!
Definitely money well spent!

[krogers58]

Hope for the best, but prepare for war. First, you have to get yourself healthy as it seems you are depressed, which can be a vicious cycle, as you become rather dull to be around when depressed. See a doctor, and handle the depression. For me, I workout daily, which is as good, or better than any medication a doctor can give you for depression. It doesn't hurt to have your wife suddenly see that other women are interested. I'm not saying have an affair. Eat right, lose the extra weight, and read interesting books. You will suddenly become an excellent conversationalist. I find that when I am in conversation, simply for the sake of it, attractive women will join the conversation on their own volition.

Next, get a list together of the top divorce attorneys in your area. Go down to the divorce courts, and ask around about who the best 5 attorneys are for divorce. You can also look at a service called Martindale Hubble (spelling?). They have attorney ratings which are given, anonymously, by other attorneys. If after you've tried the numerous suggestions listed here, and things are still in the dumpster, and you decide to file for divorce, take a couple of weeks and make contact with each and everyone of the lawyers on your list. Even if you don't decide to use them, you have effectively blocked them from appearing on her behalf, owing to the potential conflict of interest, and the fact that you had confidential discussions with them.

Get a folder going on your most important papers, deeds, life insurance policies, your birth certificates, etc and be able to lay your hands on all your important paperwork in a hurry. Put aside a "contingency" fund, to help you through the divorce because its going to cost you thousands to pay the lawyers, find alternative living arrangements, pay for miscellaneous furnishings, etc. You will find no matter how much you think you need, it won't be enough. If she is a stay-at-home mom, begin to insist on her finding a job, a full-time job, otherwise the courts will give her custody of the children. If you leave, and move into your own place and leave the children behind, you will give her almost automatic custody as the courts don't like to cause great upheaval in the children's lives, and rightfully so. Whoever is caring for the children when the custody issues are settled are going to most likely retain custody, or at the minimum, you will get joint custody automatically. Think about that, are you ready to accept full-time care of your children with an occasional weekend off? It's a big change, and I did it, so believe me, its a huge change. The older the children are, the more likely the courts are to ask them where they want to live. Usually 13 is when the courts start listening to the kids. Do not let the children choose her, and when they have a fight and your child comes to with a long list of abuses, let them switch where they are living to you. Kids will play you against each other to get relaxed rules. Don't feel guilty if you're not the custodial parent, and let them do whatever they want on the weekends they are with you. If she gets a live-in boyfriend, do a full background check on him, looking for the obvious child predator issues, but a full criminal background check, employment check, etc. A good private investigator will dig up quite a bit on him for a thousand bucks of so.

I wish you, and your children much luck. I'd recommend staying together under the circumstances you have outlined, but only you know what is right. I'd ask you to take a look at the statistics of the likeliehood the children will be drop outs, vs non-divorce children. The same is true, for crime stats, teenage pregnancy, etc.

Hope for the best, but prepare for war, because divorce can be a war. It can also be handled decently by two people who are adults about things and sit down with an arbitrator to work out property division, alimony, child support, child visitation, etc. You might think she'll be reasonable about it, but she just might go off the rails, once she realizes it is real. Be prepared for that.

[tiki]

Wow!

[RegulatorCountry]

You're being taken for granted. You've let yourself go.

Begin taking care of your physical appearance, and develop your own interests. Don't do it for her, do it for yourself. If there is any love left she'll recognize the doormat coming out from under her and will begin to think twice.

Coming out and asking for divorce outright will seem like a threat to her, and she's been conditioned by society to respond with an escalation in order to be in control, feminist claptrap.

Her friends are likely poisoning the well, too. They do that in groups away from their husbands. Popular culture encourages it.

Be a great dad, be a good husband but don't bow and scrape, she wanted to dominate you, actually is dominating you, and hates you for it.

Good luck, you're going to need it. If you can't subtly persuade her to see you as desirable again, it's going to either die quietly as a loveless, distant union or die with a lot of disruption and anger.

Begin looking into what you could be facing by consulting with a male-favorable divorce attorney just in case. Look into legalities as far as sheltering assets, because she'll be encouraged to take it all if she can.

Love your kids, make certain there is absolutely no question in their minds how much their daddy loves them. That relationship will be poisoned out of spite if divorce actually does come.

[cornfedcowboy]

If you think having a family is tough now, just wait till you get divorced. It will be unbearable.

[pnz1]

I don’t see ages mentioned? We have been married 21 years and have an 8 year old. There’s been some tough times, no lie, and having a young, rambunctious kid sometimes adds to the mix.

Is there something she may be dealing with personally-mentally or physically? Have y’all had an honest conversation about what’s going on or how you both feel?

[humblegunner]

Keep your pimp hand strong.

[Mark17]

most of which went to her lawyer...heh....boy, was she po’d!

Therein lies the problem. It is sad, but the lawyers are evil and corrupt. I am cynical enough, that I am convinced that the lawyers for both sides get together and try to drag things out, to maximize their profits. Is there any wonder why lawyers are hated?

[Maigrey]

One thing I didn't see mentioned... is your wife a SAHM or does she work outside the home as well?

I've been married to my best friend for going on 17 years now (and had our share of ups and downs, snits and knock down drag out fights) - and it's one issue of a breakdown of communication - or impatience on my part waiting on him to come out of his shell - or me fighting the anger I have and working to not take it out on him when I am having a problem.

That said, two little ones are a handful, whether she is a SAHM or works then child-rears at home. I saw all of it with family at that age (since I can't have kids of my own.)

Much of the advice is sound - but I would say this, in all honesty...

What is most important to you - career or your family?

Finance and living in CA have high standards - and she might resent your workload chasing the proverbial carrot in a career - and feels slighted/resents you not being there for her. (and I won't shy from saying her friends are probably poisoning the well too.)

Is there a way you can telecommute from home on occasion - or take a day off - and spend it with her, not attached to a computer? A day (or even half) to give her a break (assuming she's a SAHM) and take the kids out to play at the park or such? Or when was the last time that you invested in your own well-being and had her alongside you?

Those are the questions I'd ask before considering walking out. (and like the other one, who kicked his wife out for smelly feet and snoring.... well, that's his own issues to cope with. I had the snoring - and got a CPAP - no more snoring - and feel 100% better!)
If she's sleeping in another room because you're snoring, it's something to consider....

Finally, you've got my prayers too. I came from a divorced set of parents - and I said I wouldn't divorce. So far, so good, even with the ups and downs.

[Errant]

Here's a song for you mate: OLD DOGS AND CHILDREN AND WATERMELON...

[If You Want It Fixed - Fix It]

I’m probably the last post. Was going to respond 20 hours ago but left it to God for the right thing. He answered this evening but the kids were on the computer. I saw a movie again and it really sunk home for His response for you and your wife’s hard situation. May I suggest you watch this movie - it’s not religious or preachy, but it’s got your needs written all over it.

Again, it’s not religious, like “Fireproof”, it’s more a movie before thinking that far ahead. It was written as a play decades ago and made into a movie in 1988. The author was a priest who would go on to write the Theology of the Body, Pope JohnPaul II, but it’s not a conversion to Jesus story or anything trying to make someone Catholic. It’s called “The Jeweller’s Shop” with Burt Lancaster. I don’t think you’ll see your situation in the movie until half way through, so just enjoy the movie and see if it helps you figure out what you and your wife ought do next.

[AbolishCSEU]

Nailed it! Better not to get divorced especially in blue states like California. You’ll be paying child support until they are 26. Go online and search engine “child support horror stories.” Feeling lonely will be a TREAT in comparison. Also search engine “golden uterus syndrome/complex”

http://www.the-spearhead.com/2012/02/14/the-golden-uterus-syndrome/

And I’m a divorced woman from the eighties who received no child support but didn’t trash dad at the same time. Have always been the breadwinner... even now I am because I am with a man who has to pay child support (half his low five figure income) for ten years and another at least 11 years to go. We don’t eat out, we heat with wood, we drive beaters, we do all our own home repair, we NEVER go on vacation, etc. you get the picture. His ex wife has remarried, lives high off the hog and has alienated all three children—hubby hasn’t seen them in almost four years now. No money to fight it in court. And sometimes he blames me for it all.

DON’T.GET.DIVORCED!

[ArrogantBustard]

Try to work it out ... get impartial help if necessary. Your kids need two parents.

[Yosemitest]

That Feb 14, 2012 article by Joe Zamboni "The Golden Uterus Syndrome"> was well worthy my time. Thank you.

The way to start correcting this problem, is to do away with "No-Fault Divorce".
That's only the first step.
It would be nice to see a few judges sentencing women to the financial restraints most men face in a Divorce settlement, when the men take the children.