Posted on 06/20/2013 12:01:02 PM PDT by Resettozero
Recently I was asked about a very difficult situation.
A woman has been married to a man with a long-term addiction to pornography. The last few years he’s been trying to stop, but by his own efforts alone. When she asks him if he’s struggling he will deny it. She finds out he’s using again and then has the double-hurt of his use and his lying.
At one point, with her husband’s permission, she talked with their pastor (who is also her husband’s brother) about this situation. He told her that her husband had to seek help (true) and that there was nothing he could do (not necessarily true). He then said a prayer. If her hope was for anything more than that, she was disappointed.
She concluded this part of her story (there is another piece of the story we’ll take up in subsequent post) by saying “this problem has gone on for so long I don’t talk to my husband about it anymore.”
(Excerpt) Read more at covenanteyes.com ...
Similar thing happened to General Petraeus. His wife was cute and skinny when they married but now she’s a cow lol. So can’t blame the giy for getting himself a fresh piece of meat lol
Similar thing happened to General Petraeus. His wife was cute and skinny when they married but now she’s a cow lol. So can’t blame the giy for getting himself a fresh piece of meat lol
__________
Of course.
It’s obvious that a fresh piece of meat lol should trump marriage vows.
/s
You are spot on!
you’re right on the money. Once someone equates making love to “duty” they are starting to get within a stone’s throw of the koran camp. “Duty” is having to sacrifice time and effort for the greater good, be it taking a bullet for a (real) president, or cleaning the latrine. If some guy has to invoke “duty” as a rationale for a woman to sleep with him, well then by definition all you got yourself is, at best, a non-sexually appealing man.
A couple in a monogamous relationship must work at the relationship. All they have is each other.
In a polygamous relationship, the man (assuming this is polygyny) will turn to Wife No. 2 if and when he tires of Wife No. 1. If Wife No. 1 and 2 no longer charm him, he can turn to Wife No. 3, etc.
No nobility of character is required of the man who has multiple wives.
Many years ago on Dr. Laura’s radio show, she was very intolerant of married men who viewed porn. In response to her regular rants against porn, a man wrote to her about his use of porn because his wife refused to have sex with him and he stated that he would not cheat on her with another woman.
From then on, whenever a woman called to complain about her husband viewing porn, her very first question to the woman was, “How easy do you make it for your husband to have sex with you?” In almost every instance, the silence was deafening.
Sometimes the reason a husband uses porn is staring right at a woman looking in the mirror.
Placemark.
I find two books to be quite good. Nate Larkin wrote a book entitled Samson and the Pirate Monks in which he describes his own journey as a pastor addicted to pornography and his path out of the pit. Nate has established a 12 step program that is helping men across the country. He has a short video where he gives his story.
A book I find even better is Surfing for God by Michael John Cusick. Cusick's contention matches what I have found in my life and in those guys I work and pray with. He says pornography addiction isn't about sex. I know guys with really hot wives, with active and satisfying sexual lives who are trapped in porn. And it's not the level of a man's sex drive that results in a bondage to pornography.
Pornography can get to the point where there is absolutely no pleasure in it and no sexual release from it, yet the guy cannot stop doing porn.
Cusick's title Surfing for God reflects his contention that a man who goes surfing the web for porn is really surfing for a spiritual connection: he's surfing for God.
I know a guy whose porn binges occur when he has financial stresses. Another guy has issues when there is death nearby. A friend plunges into porn when his wife becomes overly critical. Stress at work is another fellow's danger sign.
I don't see that accountability groups and accountability software is valuable. I'm perfectly capable of lying to my accountability partners and capable of getting around software if I so desire. But I do have prayer partners who call for prayer and to talk when they are facing the temptations or even the triggers they have recognized. I recently found myself tempted not by porn but by a couple of gorgeous women. I texted my brothers and they prayed for as long as I was stuck in the place where they were. I showed my wife the texts when we got to the car.
In my experience this is a heart thing. I resisted temptation for years without delving into porn, but it was raging in my heart. I was a Christian stuck in Romans 7.
For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
I was a born-again Pharisee. I was keeping the outside of the cup clean and pristine while the inside was filled with sewage.
it wasn't until I had a literal come to Jesus meeting about anger that God gave me a new heart that was free from the draw of porn. I wouldn't dare go test it out but I have gone years without the slightest desire for it. I can honestly say I would rather die than go back to where I was.
Shortly after that God threw me into fellowship with a bunch of Christian men. I was very much a loner before that. I don't think I could have survived in freedom without men walking beside me. They know they can call on me at 3:00 AM for help with no questions asked. They know they can kick my butt if I need it.
Sorry for the long dump, but I see a lot of stuff on this thread that is well intentioned but comes from a lack of experience. I know guys who have kicked drugs but could not shake porn. Pornography is a harsh taskmaster and does not let go easily.
BTW ladies, if your husband is doing porn compulsively, it most likely is not a reflection on you nor is it an indication he does not love you. It's the bondage of sin. Pray for his freedom in Christ Jesus.
Don’t apologize. I’m not trying to blame the women it’s important to get to the actual cause of what is going on. There’s lots of different possibilities as to what it could be.
But, the unhelpful advice posted by the article isn’t going to actually address and get to the bottom of the problem. Like I said - it’s all about ‘finding the need’. The wife needs to address this head on if she wants to help her husband.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Women generally don’t get it when it comes to pornography. And they are deeply wounded when they discover their men are involved in it.
I’m working on a presentation to help women in this. I can’t address the growing number of females getting trapped by pornography. I am too ignorant about their issues. But I can hopefully give them some hope and ease their self-incriminations.
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The comments on the thread are more interesting than the article. Gitmo's comment is well worth reading especially.
Anyone wanting on/off any of my ping lists, freepmail ME, not wagglebee (he hasn't been around lately).
As a reminder, God is also watching our online activity and while the enemy can only work on what he sees us do, God looks on the heart.
No it doesn't. Sex meets the need. Porn fuels the lust.
I know of men who get plenty of sex with a willing wife and still do porn. It's got nothing to do with whether his desires are being fulfilled by his wife or not.
That's simply an excuse and blame shifting and justification for not dealing with it.
Very true.
It's what women do with alcoholism. And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
For all the focus on the men and the *need* that it somehow allegedly fulfills, it has to be destroying the woman. It's telling her that she's not good enough for her husband in a way that little else can. Women are not stupid. They know that men are supposed to want to have sex with the woman they love. When he goes after it with someone else, it tells her that he doesn't love her.
He's cheating on her in his mind. It's a fine line that gets crossed in thinking and doing.
As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. If he's lusting after women in his heart, as Jesus said, he's already committed adultery with her in his heart.
He's wrong, plain and simple. He's not a victim. He's supposed to be a man and the head of the family. The state of his marriage is HIS responsibility, not hers.
He needs to grow up and act like the man he's supposed to be.
Well, then, count me as weird, too.
Because sex is part of marriage and neither partner has the right to force the other into a sexless commitment.
Maybe a possibility, but I wonder what a good look in the mirror would show.
When men complain that they don't have the perfect wife, they should remember that she doesn't have the perfect husband.
And I've seen some pretty obese men who can't blame it on pregnancy.
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