Posted on 02/15/2013 5:21:00 AM PST by Lucky9teen
@JayLeno At the #SOTU tonight, when the President walked into the chamber, instead of ‘Hail to the Chief’ they played ‘Hey Big Spender.’
@JimGaffigan That was the most one-sided debate I’ve ever seen. #SOTU
@Bez "I am SO getting laid tonight" -Obama's speechwriter
@sixfoot6 Biden always looks like he's pridefully watching his son play quarterback. Boehner always looks embarrassed by his son at a ballet recital.
@JillMorris I feel like I'm watching an ad for ADD medication when I look at Biden. #SOTU
@ChaseMit The Republican response to the State of the Union is just seven minutes of Ted Nugent firing an AK-47 into a buffalo carcass. #SOTU
@DamienFahey The State of the Union should just be an hour and a half of a guy crying in his car outside of an Arby's.
@ChaseMit John Boehner is glaring at Barack Obama like he just said there are no more beds available at Planet Tan. #SOTU
@BillMc7 Man, I can hardly wait for none of this to get done.
@alexblagg Biden and Boehner's ties should team up to fight crime in '80s Miami.
@DamienFahey I don't have the sound up on my TV, but Joe Biden just stood and applauded, so I assume Obama just gave America his BangBus password.
@ChaseMit A disappointed Joe Biden looks down at his handful of beads and realizes he came to the wrong place tonight. #SOTU
@louisvirtel Seems cruel of Biden to match lavender glasses and a tie with no promise of performing "Bennie and the Jets." #SOTU
@alexblagg When's Obama gonna get to the part where he looks directly into the camera and goes, "But seriously: we've got to get rid of Chris Brown"?
@ronradu Biden keeps putting on his glasses and looking down to check his Twitter feed
@EJDionne Good line RT @grossdm You've heard of arch-conservatives? Rubio is a parched-conservative. #sotu
@BloombergView This speech will forever be known as The Water Break Address | http://bloom.bg/sotu #sotu
@AmandaMarcotte That water bottle gif will stand in for people saying "awkward!" for at least a year. #sotu
@barrylyga That moment where Rubio dodges off-camera for water is gonna live on YouTube forever. And I bet Poland Spring is PSYCHED for the plug. #sotu
@BloombergView .@paulaEdwyer: Can't wait for the SNL skit showing Rubio soaking his head under the tap #sotu
@smotus Rubio: Ask not what your country... OH GOD I'M THIRSTY #sotu
@kthalps Rubio is right. Government can't solve every problem. Namely, dry-mouth. #sotu #fb
@AmandaMarcotte Has anyone gif'd that water bottle moment yet? Get on it, internet! #sotu
@BlameTelford Nothing rebuts a #sotu like an awkward mid-speech lean across the room for a tiny bottle of water.
@goodasyou That was a really awkward Poland Springs commercial #sotu
@DJMOS Damn, that was the most uncomfortable drink of water in the history of television... #sotu #gop
@calebhays Ok, that drink of water will end up on #snl this week #sotu
@JohnFugelsang And now, Marco Rubio presents the 1st campaign ad for Hilary 2016. #sotu
President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about. ~ JAY LENO
The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water. ~ JAY LENO
Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids? ~ JAY LENO
At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, “Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!" If we're really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year? ~ JAY LENO
The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do. ~ CONAN
President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he's known in the Republican Party, "our black guy." ~ CONAN
Did you see the State of the Union address? President Obama spoke for an hour. One disappointment: not one mention about the zombie attack in Montana. ~ DAVID LETTERMAN
How many of you watched the State of the Union address just for the commercials? ~ DAVID LETTERMAN
I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate. ~ DAVID LETTERMAN
Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One's a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show. ~ CRAIG FERGUSON
President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can't have a middle class without the rich. He's right. Just like you need "Biggie" fries to have regular-sized fries. ~ JIMMY KIMMEL
While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That's what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech. ~ JIMMY KIMMEL
How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he's reaching for the water. It's like, "Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun." ~ JIMMY KIMMEL
But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington, who knows? ~ JIMMY KIMMEL
President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don't know what the president is going to say, but they know they won't like it. ~ JIMMY KIMMEL
Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans' rebuttal. Democrats decided to pre-emptively rebut their rebuttal. ~ JIMMY KIMMEL
So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to "Inception," isn't it? ~ JIMMY KIMMEL
Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you — it doesn't matter if they're black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward. ~ JIMMY FALLON
President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, "Beats the finger I usually get!" ~ JIMMY FALLON
Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln's birthday instead of Washington's birthday? Well, it's because Washington was famous for saying, "I cannot tell a lie." ~ JIMMY FALLON
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a "You don't have a clue" problem. ~ JIMMY FALLON
Dentures...
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he too had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
“Is that so?” asked the first old guy. “Did he do a good job?”
The second oldster replied, “Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles”.
The first old guy was confused and asked, “What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?”
“It was the first time my teeth didn’t hurt.....”
There's an app for that Rubio.
Damn you George Bush.
For those of you who might ask "Why would SJL hug on Ted Nugent?" I have an answer. Cynthia McKenney (BatSh*t Crazy - GA) Had a plaque on her desk in Washington that said "Buck Fush." Yet the woman with the worst attendance record in Congress showed up four hours early for the SOTU speeches so she could get a middle aisle seat and have her picture taken hugging the President when he came in. These people will do anything for 15 seconds on camera.
Keep Calm and Carry On, ladies...
Swiped and spread for maximum hilarity!!
Gonzo, I gots the cat scratch fever bad.
SJL is simply acting out her political strategy. When someone accused her of being a racist, she can just pull out this photo and insist that she is not.
“She, I hugged a white man only this year . . . or was it last year. I’m too busy to keep track of such mundane issues!”
If you're going to use the rest room....I suggest you light a match....I just got out of there...
A guy had been working all his adult life to be more. To make more. He was never the success his family wanted. 60 hour weeks and still he’d only get small promotions , always passed over for the big ones. Every night, he’d come come and his wife would tell him how “The So and So’s” had a bigger house or how other people’s kids were could afford elite colleges - why not theirs??
Then one day, it all fell apart. The job he was a shoe in, that one that would have “fixed everything”, was filled by the boss’ 24 year old son. When he went home, feeling down and breaking the news, his wife announced that she was leaving him - for his best (and more successful) friend. Despondent, he decided to give it all up. No more chasing the brass ring. His family was gone, so why not?
He decided to join a monastery and live a simple life. When meeting Brother Superior, he found that this was all that he wanted. A life with no pressure. Work was rewarded with a basic room and good, solid food. In exchange, all the monastery asked was a vow of silence. “But”, the brother advised, “once a year you will be allowed to say two words.” “Easy”, thought the man. “Time to myself and to reflect is just what I need”.
And so the first year went by in a flash. He was called into the Brother Superior’s office and advised now was the time he could say his two words. “Food cold”, the man said. “I see.”, said the brother. “I will make a note of that. See you next year.”
The second year went by as fast as the first. The man was again called in for his “two words”. This time, the man said “Bed hard”. “I see.”, said the brother. “I will make a note of that. See you next year.”
The third year went by, and the man was in the Brother Superior’s Office. “OK, brother. It’s again time for your two words. What are they?” asked the Brother Superior. “I quit!”, said the man. The brother superior looked up from his notes and said , “You know, I am not surprised. It’s been bitch, bitch, bitch ever since you got here !!!!”
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