I hope this thread is optimal....
Posted on 10/19/2012 5:36:18 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Elon James White -- I feel like Obama's staff stabbed him in the chest w/ the adrenaline needle from Pulp Fiction. THAT DUDE IS AWAKE! #twib2012 #debates
adamsorensen -- Is there anything more awkward than putting two guys on stools 10 feet apart on a huge stage and asking them to look natural for 90 minutes?
Brian Braiker -- i hope the guy with a mustache has a spot in line. and i hope he stands up to say "Mr President, I mustache you a question."
Dane Cook -- Dear everyone in the town hall #debate. Stop reading your questions off your cards like its a hostage note.
Chase Mitchell -- We're about three seconds away from the knife fight from "Beat It."#debates
dansinker -- I FEEL REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW.
Samantha Bee -- When Obama is talking, Romney makes the same face my Catholic grandmother would make at a Wiccan wedding. #debate
Matt Roller -- Before you accuse Romney of not caring about the unemployed, keep in mind he's been trying to get a new job for a YEAR. #debate
ditzkoff -- Mitt Romney read very different Mr. Men books than I did. #mrcoal #mrgas #mroil
pourmecoffee -- Romney: I am pro-choice, but only for deporting yourself.
Jordan Zakarin -- I agree with Romney that we really don't need another 'Fast and the Furious' sequel. Enough, Vin Diesel. Bipartisan consensus!
I got an EXCLUSIVE PHOTO of Mitt Romney's binder. twitpic.com/b4u44a
Binder reviews on Amazon.com........women won't fit
Patton Oswalt -- "Binders Full of Women" is my favorite Motley Crue album. #debate
Adam Sternbergh -- "Binders full of women" is what they find in a serial killer's apartment.
Steve Agee -- Fonzie had binders full of women too. #debate #littleblackbook
Elise Foley -- Oh god, I just realized that now people will dress as binders for Halloween.
If Romney and Obama switched hair with their wives... #Debates pic.twitter.com/PFkzm4Jd 
Josh Tyrangiel -- Romney just locked up the Welsh illegal vote.
ThePresObama [Not the real Obama] -- Romney is very tough on China. He will only eat off of the most rare and expensive sets available. #debate2012
Clay Johnson -- Watching the debates to figure out who to vote for is like watching the World Series to figure out which team to root for.
Pat Healy -- Fred Armisen was great tonight as every audience member.#Debate
David Weinberger -- Well, there goes the gangbanger vote! Nice job, Mr. President! #debate
Feministing -- Guns don't kill people. Single mothers kill people.
Andy Borowitz -- It's as if the Romney from the first debate is tied up in a Scooby-Doo warehouse somewhere. #debate
Team Coco -- You know who won this #debate? The shadowy townhall industry.
Jesse Tyler Ferguson -- That debate was better than a real housewives reunion.
I don’t want to impose but I’m just asking you to share this one with a few of your best friends.
Dear Friends:
There is 2 weeks until election day when the people will decide who will be the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It’s time that we all need to come together, Democrats and Republicans alike, in a bi-partisan effort for America:
If you will support Mitt Romney, please drive with your headlights ON during the day.
If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights OFF at night.
Together, we can make it happen.
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction.
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
[wait for it]
.
[it's coming]
.
[just let the story sit for a minute]
.
[OK, here's the punch.]
.
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
yellow, definitely.
OK that one made me LOL!!!!
WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO TGIF
WTF???
-----
One day Little Johnny's teacher brought pictures of farming tools to class. She asked the class to identify each one.
Holding up one she asked "Class, do you know what this is?
"It's a shovel!", they all replied.
"And this one?" she asked as she held up another.
"It's a RAKE!" they said enthusiastically.
"Very good" she encouraged.
Holding up the last picture they immediately said "It's a hoe!"
"No it's not" said Little Johnny from his seat.
The teacher looked at him puzzled and asked - "Johnny, everyone else says it's a hoe, why do you think it's not?"
"Cuz, teacher" Johnny said innocently "My sista's a hoe, and she don't look nothin' like that!"
Maybe it’s time to try on a new tagline
LOL
Whew—this morning has been hectic. Glad I finally made it in!!!
I read this back in 1993 from a piece of paper (We called ‘em, “Xerox Jokes,”) on a mechanic’s tool cart at a job I had back then:
The Deer Hunt
Saturday
1:00am. Alarm clock rings.
2:00am.Hunting partners arrive,drag you out of bed.
2:30am.Throw everything except the kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00am.Leave for the deep woods.
3:15am.Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30am.Drive like hell to get to woods before daylight.
4:00am.Set up camp-forgot the damn tent.
4:30am.Head into woods.
5:30am. See 8 deer.
6:06am.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07am.”Click”
6:08am.Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00am.Head back to camp.
9:00am.Still looking for camp.
10:00am.Realize you don’t know where camp is.
NOON-Fire gun for Help-eat wild berries.
12:15pm.Ran out of bullets-8 deer came back.
12:20pm.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30pm.Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45pm.RESCUED!!!!
12:53PM.Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00pm.Arrived back at camp.
3:30pm.Leave camp to KILL DEER.
4:00pm.Return to camp for bullets.
4:01pm.Load gun-leave camp again.
5:00pm.Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00pm.Arrive at camp-see deer grazing in camp.
6:01pm.Load gun.
6:02pm.Fire gun.
6:03pm.One dead pick up truck.
6:05pm.Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06pm.Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07pm.Fall into fire.
6:10pm.Change clothes-throw burned into fire.
6:15pm.Take pickup,leave partner and his deer in woods.
6:25pm.Pickup boils over-hole shot in block.
6:26pm.Start walking.
6:30pm.Stumble and fall,drop gun in mud.
6:35pm.Meet bear.
6:36pm.Take aim.
6:37pm.Fire gun-blown up barrel-plugged with mud.
6:38pm. Shit pants.
6:39pm.Climb tree.
9:00pm.Bear departs,wrap@$*&^^@@& gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT-Home at last
SUNDAY
Watch football game on t.v. slowly tearing license into little pieces.
Place into envelope,and mail to Game Warden,with clear instructions on where to place it.
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