yup, selective mood swings can be proof of a hostile work place and for $20 the pen is mightier then the mouth...
Posted on 08/25/2012 8:21:45 PM PDT by ARCADIA
I haven't posted in a while; but I respect FREEPER opinion.
I hope someone can help with this. It's a slightly different take on the bad boss thing.
My boss really does not like me; he's pretty bad in a roundabout way. A rather benign example - I will ask for something that would require the department spending money on me, he'll say no, I say okay, I am disappointed. Of course, there was an earlier conversation on how we need to invest in so-and-so.
At no point does he come out and say it -- it's always implied. This is just one example among so many -- it can just be described briefly. There are many other incidents, some of them very cruel, involving other team members smearing me or isolating me.
I tried fixing the relationship - but all conversations end up badly. He takes offense at the slightest thing, and he's not above telling me I just said something I didn't say to justify his latest hissy fit.
The problem is not that I don't realize what's going on; I do. The problem is that I am almost paralyzed by all this. The quality of my work is deteriorating, my concentration is shot and I can't even begin to look for another job.
What has worked for you in situations like this? How did you get strong enough to take effective action?
(I am in my mid-50s with a good job, BTW.)
(Yes, I have posted in another board - guess I am crowdsourcing here.)
If this is against the rules, Mod please delete thread.
There’s a reason your boss is treating you the way he is... Remember, he’s in business to make money, and he wants performance. Ask yourself why he’s treating you the way he is and you may be surprised that it boils down to the bottom line.
Sit down and write it all out. What goals has your boss given and what did you do to meet those goals? What are you doing to impact the bottom line? Have you saved the company money by simplifying the way something is done? Have you made direct improvements in output resulting in lower cost or higher profit? Sadly enough, it’s all about money, and in this economy all bosses are under pressure to perform or downsize.
After you’ve written it all out, get back to nature. Take a walk in a park, hike through the woods, find a stream to soak your feet in... Get away from the stress for a while. Think about why you feel the way you do, and try not to find others to blame for your feelings. They are, in fact, your feelings.
Once you’ve really reviewed and understand why you feel the way you do (could be the same day or a week or two later), then get back to your desk and write out what your goals are to move in the right direction.
Get dressed up, show up for work early. Start setting the standard, raise the bar for everyone else.
Set up an appointment to meet with your boss, on your terms, on your turf. Show him what you’ve found, discuss your goals and how you want to impact the bottom line positively. The key is for you to get back in control. This will also give you confidence to move forward and to get back into the groove.
If you’re having problems with co-workers, don’t be confrontational but analyze and try to find out what you can do to either work well with them, or to at least keep them at bay.
Finally, if you are planning to move-on, don’t do it on bad terms. Do everything above, but bide your time and move when you’ve got everything going in your direction.
Remember that you’re in control of your feelings and your future. Whatever everyone else doing to hold you back is a waste of their time because you’re now like teflon: nothing will stick to you.
I’m pretty much in the same situation you’re in, but while I’ve been biding my time looking for the right time to move on, I’ve been promoted and given a very interesting opportunity to expand the business.
Keep a positive attitude and don’t let depression set in. Go camping, spend time with your family, exercise. Do not continue to stress so much about work, because you’re in charge of your life.
It’s good to remember that hideous time and be grateful all over again about being gone from that job. I’m glad so many people can relate to ARCADIA’s situation and can share that it does get better (although probably after that job) and to document/job-hunt/PRAY while you’re still in the job.
In hindsight, it was at that job that I refined and developed some of the skills required to get my current job. I can only thank God that I didn’t cry in front of that boss or launch into a verbal tirade; it definitely took a power greater than myself to help me keep it together.
I really like your post; great suggestions.
Good advice, but the boss could still simply be a sociopath...
I believe most bosses are sociopaths by definition. Who in their right mind would sell their whole existence, while driving other people to the brink of insanity or depression, just to make a buck?
Money helps in life, but there’s more to life than that. If you can decipher the thoughts and actions of the boss, then that’s when veil is lifted and you can see the truth. I refuse to let the boss’ desire for riches tamp down my desire for happiness. I can however show the boss that he needs my help in exchange for making my life better.
My torment lasted 3 years. I have seven bosses, and no, I’m not kidding. They rode me endlessly to get me to quit. I’d been there too long for them to get away with firing me. They decided they wanted a man in my job. I had no choice but to take their abuse, the job market being what it is in my area. I needed my job.
I was a basket case. They literally criticized everything I did. I hated to go to work. I dreaded it. I literally prayed and told the Lord that I would take the first step towards the door, but He would have to take the rest because I just couldn’t do it.
Then I had a Christian breakthrough. I realized that the Lord had provided that job for me and only He can take it away. They can’t fire me unless He says they can fire me.
That might at first glance seem trite, but it literally made all the difference in the world. He goes to work with me. I pray to do my best job and ask Him to help me achieve that goal. He does. I ask him to cover my mistakes and He does.
I no longer put up with their crap. I’m not disrespectful but I give no quarter. They no longer get away with attacking me because I stand up for myself. I face them head on. Again, I’m not disrespectful but I do address each issue as it comes up. I have literally been set free from that oppression.
If you have other options, take them. But if you are stuck there, try God. And yes, I do pray for them. Doing that in the right spirit took awhile though. LOL
Ive Learned that some Managers are Jealous..Mine shot down all My Ideas for improving production....
then a new guy came up with the same Idea....I just told him to do it..He made the improvement...and We all Benefitted from it
When the Boss Thanked him I laughed out loud and He looked at me strangely....Too stupid to remember He told me the Idea wouldnt work. too Hell with getting the credit...I was Glad because the fix made the Job easier to do.
this world is full of Idiots who should not be in Charge of anything..Like Democrats.
“Kill-’em-with-kindness” has always worked for me in any situation, not just bad bosses.
I agree. My current boss (me) is a huge improvement over a previous boss who was on an abusive power trip. Bad bosses (not critical bosses who are right, and you really do have something to fix, but bad ones who enjoy the power) don't get better. Move on, even if there is some uncertainty about job security in a new position. Also, relax while you are moving on - there is not much that even a bad boss can do if you don't worry about what he says as you find a new job.
Read the book, “The sociopath next door,”and see if that’s what he is.
I’ve worked for two certified sociopaths. They really think about ways to make employees miserable because that’s how they show their power. The more you appear disappointed or hurt the more fun you are to play with. Note, as you appear to react less they will double-down on the stuff they do to achieve a satisfactory response.
Since we work in a hierarchical society there’s not much you can do. You must decide how you’re going to respond and then practice it. Reading a few books like, “dealing with difficult people” will help. Meanwhile, you have to change jobs. If that means moving, so be it. You have to decide what’s worthwhile, your job/location or your health. As you respond less and less to the assaults your boss may decide to fire you.
Forget about management and HR. They’re there only to support the hierarchy. Even though they undoubtedly know about this guy they won’t want to face him so you’ll be the bad guy.
It won’t improve. You need a new job.
I had long bout of the Friday night dreads when I worked for a wingnut emotionally unbalanced demeneted liberal psycho woman.
I have had a similar situation - my boss has actually been on the attack to threaten my career. He has stripped all my people from me and is then making statements about how I “seem trouble accomplishing the simplest taskings” when I can’t complete projects. Out of self-defense, I started making notes of every meeting I had with him and any policy that was discussed. If he gives me a verbal response to an email so I have no record of what he actually said, I send an email and “acknowledge the discussion, say what I thought I heard/understood and aske for clarification if I am in error. That way I hav e a traceable trail instead of “hearsay”. He recently tried to drive the spear home and I responded with a long list with a comprehensive history of the events that led up to it. I intimated that I considered it to be a hostile work environment and laid out specifics. I didn’t cadge it as a formal grieveance because he is ready to take another boss down with him and I wanted to see how it was responded to. The main problem did a 5 minute “down and dirty” and basically said I’m overstating/have no sense of humor/and didn’t need to aboide by it when management took my folks away. I took it to the other (who is over this guy) and we had a 2-hour chat. It may get better, but as long as the other guy has any possibility of ever being totally in charge, I’m keeping/maintaining/adding to my notes to insure that the retributions are not successful.
I know from experience that it is stressful and demoralizing - good luck and I’ll say a prayer for you.
I wished those were around years back when the wannabe supervisor had his very selective temper tantrums that apparently only I saw and experienced therefore never happened.
It was widely known that this protected person has had severe selective anger problems but he was a reliable informer and spy for management so it was perfectly ok.
He is still at a state of SC agency that I left a few years back but due to supposedly retire. Nobody will miss him.
yup, selective mood swings can be proof of a hostile work place and for $20 the pen is mightier then the mouth...
SFL
Yes, documentation very important. He should document what he’s doing with his time - every day - no exceptions. That way when they attack with demands for accounts of your time, you can laugh because you have it. You can even fudge it and how are THEY going to argue with it when they don’t have records. Having time records is prima facie better than not having time records, even if it is subjective. I used a cloud based tool called Toggl because it’s very easy to enter your time - I couldn’t use a tool that would have required a lot of time just to learn it.
When you realize that you’re no longer in the loop on anythingl, you’re not being invited to meetings that you would have in the past, when they’re just being downright mean and looking for things to ding you on, that’s when it’s time to get your personal effects out of your office because soon the HR gestapo is going to show up at your door and drum you out of the service.
This happened to me earlier this year - and I’m about the same age. Fortunately, since then I’ve finished my masters degree and am about to embark on a training program to become a yoga teacher.
As a character in Margin Call said, it will suck really hard for a while, then it’ll be fine.
One tactic someone taught me, is to always have a pad and pen with you as you go about your day. Make a lot of notes during conversations. Then, the kicker is this: When someone (the boss) says something ugly, or offensive, or just plain wrong, pause. . . and write it down without saying a word. Then go on with the conversation. Even if you know it was marginal enough that he’d get away with it, if he sees you writing something down that wasn’t too nice he’ll be on notice that you’re on to him.
I like the idea of pushing back and seeing what happens. Hell, if it’s that close to the end there’s nothing to lose. A good chance to experiment and make some other people as uncomfortable as they’ve made you.
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