Posted on 07/27/2012 5:38:33 PM PDT by mamelukesabre
Here's the scenario:
Mom and Dad come to visit. Dad is not doing so well. Dementia has set in very rapidly over the last year and he's barely functional now. You can still get meaningful dialog with him if you are patient, slow, and interrupt him when he goes off on strange tangents. But its easy to confuse him by talking fast or being even a tiny bit confrontational. Also you have to leave certain topics alone for awhile and come back later after he's had time to let it sink in. If he answers a question too soon his answer won't make sense. But if you ask it again a few minutes later he will have a sensible response.
Mom never had to make any decisions. Dad always took care of everything. Now that Dad can't do it all for her, Mom suddenly thinks she's a big boss and is bossing everyone around...even me. Problem is she's not very good at making decisions. She's 70 plus and its too late for her to learn. She makes all the wrong decisions and keeps on doing it one after another.
Here's what happened when they came to visit me
There is a wolf dog (1/4 wolf, half husky, 1/4 german shepherd) that lives about 1/8th mile from me. It gets loose from time to time because the owner doesn't give a damn. I know him and have talked to him. He thinks dog fights are just a fact of life and dogs just get loose once in awhile. I don't put up with dogs running loose. My dog gets punished when it leaves my property only by 20 feet, which is extremely rare because she gets tied up if outside for more than 5 minutes.
Anyway, my parents are visiting and my dog is outside with them. Here comes the damn wolf dog. It gets close to my property and my dog gives the warning. Growling, snarling, etc. I instantly start running to tackle my dog. The wolf dog growls back. My dog charges and makes a beeline for the wolf dog. I change directions and I bolt for my truck, grab my gun and head for the dog fight about to happen. My dog is old(about 10years)but in good health and 50 lbs and that wolf dog is well over 100 lbs and in prime condition and age. No way in hell I'm going to stand there and watch my dog get chewed into pieces and no way in hell I'm tackling a 100+ pound wolf dog bare handed.
Then guess what happens?
My idiot mother decides she's in charge and runs out to get between the dogs. She's old and weak and petite and maybe 140lbs and none of it muscle. So far the dogs are not touching each other. They are just threatening from a short distance. A standoff I guess. It's only been maybe 2 seconds though and one or the other will initiate an attack at any moment. I know my dog. She has a very bad temper and attacks strange dogs on her turf if given a chance. As I sprint passed my mother I rack the slide on my handgun to make sure I got a round in the chamber and turn on the laser sights...and then my mother starts screaming at me.
"don't you dare shoot your dog, she's a good dog!" and tries to grab my arm.
At this point I decide my mother is just about as senile as my poor old dad, except at least my dad knows he's senile and shuts his mouth when he doesn't know what is going on around him.
A neighbor saw the whole commotion same time I did and he was sprinting towards the dogs yelling and waiving his hands and threw a big rock at the wolf dog...hit it real good too. He's about 6'6 and has long arms to really get a rock moving good. The wolf dog spun around and yelped. My dog lunged. The wolf dog dodged the lunge without even trying but decided rocks plus 3 crazy screaming humans running at it was too much. It took off running. My dog took off after it. The wolf dog was fast and was gone in a flash. The neighbor and I chased down my dog. The neighbor was faster than I and brought my dog back to me. He and my dog know each other very well and get along great.
But then the arguing started when I got back to my lunatic mother. Bad arguing. I know I shouldn't be reacting like this to a little old lady that happens to be my mother but i can't stand her anymore. She is a complete arrogant fool ever since she started being the boss. I'm sick of watching her bully my dad over stupid meaningless issues. I'm actually contemplating moving in with them and getting power of attorney. Or maybe buying a new house and making them move in with me. My dad wouldn't like leaving his home though. They are both nuts. But I have my own life to live and I don't want to sacrifice it just yet.
I know what is making my mom nuts. It is not being taken care of anymore. She isn't handling being the boss so good. She isn't cut out for it.
Up to the time her illness was discovered, I was planning to divorce attributing her behavior to character, attitude or whatever. Once we found out there was a real pathology possibly causing it all, I put all hostility behind.
I am really sorry for the tough stuff you’re going through with your parents, and you have a right to be very concerned.
Now...on the other hand...
If you could only have seen what you wrote through the cinema screen on MY eye lids, you’d be laughing your a$$ off at the comedy of the non-emotional elements of the entire story.
That’s definitely a table story with the kids lol!
I had a dog much like yours and I’ve chased him down the road on more than one occasion as he slipped on by, and hot footed it after a canine trespasser. All he really wanted to do was nip the pooch on the shoulder as discipline. Wait a minute and he’d come prancing back, proudly displaying his new found friend.
The dog across the street however, (a different dog) was a wolf/akita combo who was actually my dog’s best friend. My dog would actually sit there and CALL that wolf to come over and play!
I tell you that because those are super smart dogs and you might actually be able to work with that dog since the neighbor is so lax..and diffuse the situation between the dogs.
It doesn’t do much for mom’s snarly temper, but more often than not, dogs are more agreeable than people are anyway!
You didn’t want advice, but you got it anyway lol!
Best of luck to you with both situations, and I’m very glad nobody got hurt in the scuffle.
Otherwise think about assisted living if they have the money.
My prayers are with you. It is a very difficult situation you are in. Being the “parent” with a parent is a nitemare frought with frustration cause they don’t want to be “parented”.
Its easy for people to say”JUst stay calm and try to keep control” but its is very, very , very hard.
If at all possible my only advice, if it is at all possible, talk with your dad’s doctor. Perhaps some mild medication might also help your mother calm the fears she has.
The other possibility which one adult son I know did was to get a counselor he knew to meet a few times with his father ( situation was reversed) so that his father had someone that wasn’t family to vent to and offer a little coping strategies to his father.
In any case, know that you are a good son for being there for your parents through this difficult time.
You said no advice, but my FRiend, you’re gonna get some. You WILL thank me for it later.
Do NOT...whatever you do...do NOT move in with your parents or have them move in with you. Your life will be a living hell. Let her boss dad around; from what you say he doesn’t really give a damn (I’m sorry; I truly don’t mean to sound cold to his condition, God bless him).
She’ll never willingly give you power of attorney or power of anything else. Let it run its course. It will be hard, and it will frustrate you to no end.....but please trust me.
Don’t do it. You have a life to live.
I am sorry this is happening to your family. Take care of them the best you can, then have no regrets because you cannot change who they are.
The way I handle stuff like this is just remember at least you have a slightly funny awful situation.
If your parents were shot but not dead in a theatre, you’d have a non-funny awful situation.
Perspective, man. It could be a lot worse.
A massive downburst weakened 4 huge trees in my yard and one fell on my pier and beam house. It’s like living on the Titanic until my landlord gets this thing cut. But there are people surfacing in the lake that the downburst ended, not just inconvenienced. Perspective.
I wrote the most valuable scribe that would have cured your problem in seconds...
Then I remembered your Title....
So I erased the most concise piece of brilliance I’ve ever written!!!
For his mother??
That seems to be the main subject.
As soon as you charge after your dog, she thinks you are there to back her up. Otherwise, I think you dog would not have gone outside of your property to go after the wolf dog. What happened next could only be described as chaos.
If it is not this incident, there will be other event(s) that would trigger something between you and your mother. Find sometime when both of you are calm, (i.e., watch some tv comedy show or movie that you both enjoy), then try to talk it out.
My dog gutted a schnauzer once. That’s why I got her free...many years ago. I’m the third owner and I got her just before her second birthday. She wupped a blue heeler every day for a month before gutting the schnauzer. Blue heelers are not weak and this one outweighed her by maybe 5 lbs. No little nip to the shoulder I promise. And no friends afterwards. I took her because I know how to control a dog like that. You have to be tougher than the dog. I’m proud to say my dog has never harmed another dog as long as i’ve owned her. there have been close calls though.
Good point. Of all the triggering events he was bound to get one way or another, this was the best and least-destructive one.
My husband passed away in Feb. from Alzheimer’s, so I understand what you are going through. I also understand that all dementia situations are different, so won’t advise you on how to react. However, your mother might be reacting to medications, particularly different types of heart meds. If she is on any kind of medication, google it or ask a doctor. If you can ‘fix’ her, she might be able to help with him. Good luck, and prayers your way.
piss off
You sound to me like someone who knows what to do when challenges present themselves and who learns from them.
So you don’t want advice or support, you just want to start a fight.
Prayers your way...sorry!
agree
The neighbor saved the day. I’m so glad I did not have to shoot the gun. That would’ve brought cops and the cops would’ve been VERY confused once my idiot mother started running her fool mouth off. who knows what would’ve happened after that.
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