Posted on 07/17/2012 5:22:20 AM PDT by Kaslin
Dudes, if you want to destroy your marriage say and do the following.
1. When busted flirting with another woman say, “Honey, I don’t like her. I’m just chatting with her on facebook.”
2. After she unloads her heart to you, lower your Guns & Ammo magazine and say, “I’m sorry. What were you talking about?”
3. Act like a shriveled hamster during difficult times and say, “Sometimes, I feel so scared and so alone.”
4. Hit her with this one… “Now listen babe. I know our son needs brain surgery but this bear hunt is the opportunity of a lifetime.”
5. After you down a beer yell, “Get me a beer, dammit. Beer and cheetos woman. Don’t make me whip you.”
6. Fart at the dinner table.
7. Tell your wife you go to Hooters for the chicken wings.
8. Scream at her in a loud voice, “You’re not my mother.” And then demand she give you back the Playstation controls!
9. When down and out tell your lady that you think Obama’s food stamp program is the solution.
10. And finally, try suggesting to your 45-year-old wife that. “With new boobs, liposuction on her gut, butt, neck and arms and her doing a little something about her stretch marks she could look just like Miley Cyrus!”
Mens Rules
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Well now, if that isn’t the caliber of exposition that put Doug Giles up where he is today — !
Well, I have found, you want to ruin your relationship with a female, quickest, most reliable way to do it:
Tell her the honest truth about something, you know she doesn’t want to hear.
Doesn’t matter how long the relationship has gone on, or anything else.. You tell them a truth about something, the honest truth about something, that doesn’t agree with what they want it to be, and its just a matter of time before its over.
I’ve been married five times and the one incident I remember best was: Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: Not the dress.
Women call what you are describing “speaking from the heart”. Don’t try it on them. It always ends badly.
Hey honey have you gained
some weight in your rear-end?
That dress you wear reminds me
of my old girlfriend
And where'd you get those shoes?
I think they're pretty lame
Would you stop talking 'cause
I'm trying to watch the game
If you're a man who wants to live
a long and happy life
These are the things you
don't say to your wife
I planned a hunting trip
next week on your birthday
I didn't ask you 'cause I knew
it would be OK
Go make some dinner while
I watch this fishing show
I taped it over our
old wedding video
If you're a man who wants to live
a long and happy life
These are the things you
don't say to your wife
Your cooking is OK but not
like mother makes
The diamond in the ring
I bought you is a fake
Your eyes look puffy dear
are you feeling ill?
Happy anniversary
I bought you a treadmill
If you're a man who wants to live
a long and happy life
These are the things you
don't say to your wife
If your a man who doesn't want
to get killed with a knife
These are the things you
don't say to your wife
Charge the hotel room, one you rented in your local burg, on the joint visa account.
10. And finally, try suggesting to your 45-year-old wife that. “With new boobs, liposuction on her gut, butt, neck and arms and her doing a little something about her stretch marks she could look just like Miley Cyrus!”
MILEY CYRUS!!! WHAT A SKANK!!!
Selena Gomez, OK.
A bettr idea is to just get a younger gal and call your wife from her place and say you’ll be home tomorrow sometime. Easy.
When my wife (who I love dearly) and I were dating, one thing she said to me was that she would have no problem pointing out attractive women to me. I remember thinking that was kind of odd and I think it had an effect on me because a couple months later she said, “You don’t need any help.”
But I took my queue and never mentioned what any woman looked like again. I used to use the analogy that I love cars and would not trade my custom 1954 buick for anything, but I like to see other custom or exotic cars. It doesn’t mean I want to buy them or even drive them, but the Lord infused me with an appreciation of fine craftsmanship.
Or, as James Dobson said, the first look just proves the plumbing is working.
All that being said, when I am sitting in a restaurant with my wife, and behind her some gorgous woman is walking towards us, my eyes will NOT stray. If they do, when the woman walks by, my wife will know what I had been looking at. That is not a good thing.
Thing is, we’ve been together so much that now if I am giving her a laser focus and then the attractive woman walks by, she knows I was concentrating on NOT looking. But it’s a private joke between us now. She’s not stupid. She understands the way I’m wired and enjoys the benefits. And she appreciates my successful efforts, even though she could be offended that an effort is necessary.
"I have no choice but to be nice to her and respond to her text. She is the head honcho's personal #### and they are good friends and she could ruin my career if I do not play this right." If she only knew how he used to talk about her...lol...but constant travel mixed with several years of nightly manipulation and then finally sex with the company slut now that is a deal breaker.
Honor and integrity...is there any man with any?
Farting at the dinner table is a no no.
Wait till bed time.
I’ll deal with this later.
Had a Navy shipmate who used to joke about how he would fart in the bed and pull the covers over his wife’s head.
there are a few of us out there... old school types.... raised with morals and values... but most of us are taken already.
Seriously, have you ever had the wings at Hooters? They’re good eating.
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