Posted on 06/15/2012 5:26:18 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for the night.
Set him on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Have a son, and you have one boy to worry about.
Have a daughter and you have every boy to worry about (that was the clean version)
...and we can’t forget this one:
Eastern Poland, 1921. A small town rabbi, knowing he will die soon, decides that he must taste pork before it all ends.
He knows he cannot eat in town, so he travels 50 miles away to a place where no one knows him. He sits down, and orders the suckling pig.
After 20 minutes, they bring out a pig on a beautiful platter, surrounded by potatoes, and an apple in his mouth. As the rabbi is set to take his first bite, in walks Goldberg, the president of his congregation, who says: “Rabbi, what is this??”
The rabbi looks up and says: “Incredible. I ordered a baked apple, and THIS is how they serve it!”
The beatings I might not cotton to, but the bride price? A fine old tradition, sadly forgotten in this “enlightened” age.
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On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says, ‘Try it dad.'' The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks, ‘How do you like it Dad?'' The dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This is....something else, I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.'' The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.'' As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says, ''Hey! Why did you put army men in here?'' The little boy again smiles and sings, ‘The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.'' The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks, “How do you like it Dad?'' The dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This is....something else; I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.'' The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.'' As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says. ''Hey! Why did you put army men in here?'' The little boy again smiles and sings, ‘The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.'' |
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A midget cowboy goes to the Dr. complaining of extreme pain in his testicles. The Dr. stands him on the examining table and tells him to drop his pants. He has the midget turn his head each way and cough. The Dr. picks up a pair of scissors and begins cutting on each side. The midget feels much better immediately and he asks the Dr. what he just did. The Dr. says he just cut a half inch off the top of his new boots.
The silliness thread is here! The silliness thread is here!
I know a lot of them, but none that can be used here.
/johnny
2012 DNC NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE
4:00 PM Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
4:05 PM Singing of “God Damn America” led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM Pledge of Allegiance to Obama
4:15 PM Ceremonial ‘I Hate America’ led by Michelle Obama
4:30 PM Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire , Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM Al Sharpton Leads Castrati Choir in Singing, “Great Balls of Fire”
5:00 PM UFO Abduction Survival , Joe Biden
5:30 PM Eliot Spitzer Speaks on “Family Values” via Satellite
5:45 PM Tribute to All 57 States
6:00 PM Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Speech Featuring 23-Minute Question and 2-Hour Answer
8:30 PM Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl
9:15 PM Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo , Michael Moore
9:45 PM Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangel
10:00 PM Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners, Rosie O’Donnell
10:30 PM Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for Iraq & Afghanistan
11:00 PM Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM Free Gov. Blagojevich rally
11:30 PM Obama Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish, Obama Presiding
12:00 AM Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher
12:01 AM Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech
Note: There is one omission in the list above:
Memorial recognition of Obama’s surrogate son, Trayvon, will be in conjunction with the 12:05 AM event.
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