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Posted on 01/02/2012 12:19:40 PM PST by illiac
A blond girl is driving down the road and see’s another blond girl in a sea of wheat rowing a boat.
She stops and yells out “What are you doing”.
The girl in the boat responds “rowing to shore”.
The first blond girl responds “You make all of us blonds look stupid! I would come out there and slap your face but I can’t swim”
You just killed the German guy who was reading over my shoulder. I hope you’re happy.
A guy runs into a dentist’s office yelling, “Please, please, you gotta help me.”
Dentist: What’s the problem?
Guy: I think I’m a moth.
Dentist: But this is a dentist’s office. You need a psychiatrist.
Guy: Yeah, I know, but your light was on.
The other one looks at him for a moment, then says, "that's a mirror, you dipstick!"
ok, he used a similar sounding word but you get the drift
"If I like it, sure," says the bartender.
As he is playing the bartender brings over a drink, "That's beautiful. You wrote that? You're kidding about being homeless, right? You could make millions with music like."
"I've tried. All the companies. No one will buy it," replied the homeless man.
"Wow. That's crazy. What to you call it?"
"This one I call, I love you so [f-in'] much I could [s*it]."
(I heard this 60 years ago, there are songs with titles like that today.. oh well. It was funny back then.)
Laughed out loud at that one!
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A British social scientist walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says “OK I’ll let you stay but don’t you start nothing!”
Mrs BN hit me with the “If I die, will you remarry?” question after we had been married about a six months. She asked me just as I was drifting off to sleep, mind out of gear.
BING! Wide awake! How do I answer this?
If I say “No”, she will say, “What, have I ruined marriage for you?”
If I say “Yes”, she will say,” Won’t you remember me & miss me?”
Oh, go to sleep.
A year later, same time, same station, brain totally out of gear.
“If I die, I’ve decided who you can remarry.”
Later, after both of those ladies married, I told Mrs. BN “It looks like you will just have to sick around!
She has. We celebrate 41 years in three weeks.
The police show up within a minute or two.
Turns out that the man is a black professor, the house is his, and he misplaced his key -- but he is irritated for being bothered and for not being recognized for how important he is. Somewhat frustrated at the lack of cooperation the police decide to take the man in to sort it out at the station.
Upon hearing that a white policeman arrested a black friend Barak Obama retorted that the police "acted stupidly" -- wait! wait for it ..
Wot?
D'OH! I thought it was a joke.
“It looks like you will just have to sick around!
If Mrs. BN sees this, I hope you have the presence of mind to explain the typo......
>> Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over. <<
Only one way you can get the Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 to quit fighting with the Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912: Pray the rosary.
;^)
A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news’.
‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?’
The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.’
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
‘Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that… So what’s the other possible good news?
‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
Of all the things I've lost, the one I miss most is my mind...
I'll just plead innocent by reasons of insanity, senility, typographitis....whatever!
Bookmarking
So have I.
The CIA was looking for a new spy. They narrowed the search down to three guys. One was in his early thirties, the next in his early forties and the third in his early fifties.
They all had the same qualifications that the CIA was looking for. The people in charge couldn't figure out how to determine which to hire.
One guy came up with a plan to see how well they could follow orders.
The went to the first guy and told him, "Go kill the person in the next room" and they handed him a gun.
The guy went into the next room and sitting there was his wife to whom he'd been married for a couple of years. The guy looked at the gun and then at his wife and came out and said, "I can't do this."
They did the same with the second guy. The guy went into the room and saw his wife of twelve years. He looked at the gun - he looked at his wife - he looked at the gun - he looked at his wife.
He couldn't do it.
The gave the third guy the gun and the same instructions.
He went into the room. There was a moment of silence and then "Bang, bang, bang!"
Then quiet. Then it sounded like a wrestling match - banging furniture, lamps falling, chairs smashing...
After a few minutes the guy came out and said, "Some SOB put blanks in the gun. I had to kill her with my bare hands!"
Reminds me of a SciFi story about two scientists in their lab, watching the white rats run a maze for the umteenth time. As they watched they began pondering the reason for humor & laughter. There seemed to be no evolutionary advantage to them.
One postulates, “Maybe we are just “lab rats’ in some grand cosmic experiment?’
“What do you mean?”, asks the other.
“Well, just as we put obstacles in our maze to see how the rats respond, maybe some higher power is testing mankind to see what makes us laugh.”
High above, in a galaxy far, far away, Gnnnorph turns to his lab assistant, Fglummpp and says, “Oh my, they’ve figured it out. No need to continue the experimet. Turn it off.”
Back on Earth, the first scientist says, “Did you feel that?
“Like a slight shock or tingle?”
“Yeah”...
“Say, did you hear the one about the........”
As you may surmise, neither one could get the other to laugh at any joke or gag. Nothing was funny any more.
Ping
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