Stevisms - Wisdom of my father.

“Keep Steve green. Bring him money.”
= Sometimes Steve finds it hard to believe he gets paid for doing this.

“Like looking for a fart in a Jacuzzi.”
= An endeavor every bit as unrewarding as it is futile.

“Shitting in tall clover.”
= Optimum splendor. A Joy-of-Life windfall.

“If I was any better, there’d be two of me.”
= My wealth of happiness exceeds the capacity of this mere corporeal vessel to encompass.

“If he even has a dick, I’ll bet he doesn’t know why.”
= Obama.

“Crayons sold separately.”
= NPR is obviously protecting you from the truth.

“I was born at night, but it wasn’t last night.”
= I’m not your fool (I’m somebody else’s).

“He doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.”
= One’s first and second primary elements on the list of essential civilization motivators are sadly absent.

“I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.”
= One’s abject worth has crept to a sub-excretal value.

“If I want any shit out of you, I’ll pull your head off and dip it out.”
= Please keep your conversational interjections to a point and grunt level.

“Any horse can fart in the morning, it takes a good horse to fart at night.”
= Reveling in one’s own self-esteem is a precursor to ridicule.

“Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one.”
= A complete market saturation of stupidity.

“She’s so tight-assed she could eat coal and shit diamonds.”
= A guru of anal-retentive alchemy.

“Opposable thumbs weren’t wasted on you.”
= I see you’ve evolved far enough to change light bulbs and bowl.

“Like a cow pissing on a flat rock.”
= Precipitation reminiscent of Niagara Falls but nowhere near as pretty.

“Shit in your left hand, wish in your right and see which one fills up the fastest.”
= An anecdote to discourage the avoidance of reality.

“Richard Cranium” or “R C”
= DICKHEAD. A demeaning personal slander.

“He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.”
= Implies mental deficiency or extreme ineptitude.

“I’ll kick your ass so high you’ll have to take your hat off to wipe it.”
= Implies impending application of a motivational adjustment.

“I wish I had two of those. One to shit on and one to cover it up with.”
= Something worthless.

“I wouldn’t shove one of those up my ass if I had room for two.”
= Something extremely worthless.

“I’ll nail your balls to a stump and push you over backwards.”
= Implies dissatisfaction with an individual or his progeny.

“Ten pounds of shit in a five-pound sack.”
= Usually considered a mess, except in Iowa.

“Like threading a wet noodle up a wildcat’s ass.”
= A very difficult or frustrating task.

“Looks like a couple of monkeys trying to fuck a football.”
= A ridiculous fiasco but amusing to watch if you can keep your shoes clean.

“Busier than a one legged man is an ass kicking contest.”
= Extreme preoccupation.

“He could fuck up a wet dream.”
= A reminder that nothing is fool proof if the right fool can be found.

“Hotter than a four-peckered billy goat.”
= Dire heat or sexual agitation.

“Buy ‘em books and buy ‘em books, all they do is eat the covers.”
= Implies misspent education or narrow attention span.

“What’s this ‘WE’ shit? You gotta turd in your back pocket?”
= Expression of a desire not to be included.

“If I had one of those and he had a feather up his ass, we’d both be tickled.”
= An expression of a desire for someone else’s property.

“One hand grenade would wipe you all out.”
= Disperse and get back to work.

“You move like old people fuck.”
= Inspirational comment to enhance speed.

“Hard as a wedding dick.”
= Anything rigid, stiff, firm, stout and quite possibly throbbing.

“Could gag a maggot off a meat wagon.”
= Repulsive to a health rendering degree.

“One can’t hurt her and two can’t get on.”
= My wife’s fine. How’s yours’?

“Nothing to do in Iowa but listen to the corn grow and watch your car rot.”
= Famous Iowa expression used to ward off tourists.

“You’d gripe if they hung you with a new rope.”
= Indication that one’s tendency towards peevish bitching has become excessive.

“Dikfer”
= (What’s a dikfer?) It’s fer pissing, stupid. (see Richard Cranium)

“I hope a big brick doesn’t fall on his head today.”
= The daily ‘Blessing of My Enemies’ ritual.

“Your mom married her brother, didn’t she?“
= Why do all the ‘special’ people flock to Steve?

“Next time, use a dick.”
= You really screwed them good.

“Tie a bean to a rat’s tail and let him swim across the pot.”
= Very weak coffee or concrete.

“Shit and fall back in it.”
= Implies a serious blunder has been made.

“Gutless wonder”
= Something falling short of its designed intention.

“Couldn’t pull a sick whore off a piss pot.”
= Something grossly inept or powerless.

“I’d rather watch paint dry.”
= No, I’ve never been to a soccer game.

“As long as there are cheaper places to drink beer and quieter places to read a book, I guess I’ll never see a soccer game.”
= I don’t think I ever will see a WNBA game, either.

“The first liar doesn’t stand a chance.”
= His story is more heart-rendering than yours (see If it cost a nickel to shit, we’d just fart).

“Character is what you are in the dark.”
= Strange how anonymity brings out the real you.

“A pioneer is someone lying face down in the middle of the prairie with a flaming arrow in his back.”
= You can learn a lot from watching an overly eager fool’s mistakes.

“Yes, Santa Claus. There is a Virginia.”
= Awareness is hard for you, isn’t it?

“Time wounds all heels.”
= If he’s pissed you off that much you can always slash his tires later.

“You can lead a kid to data but you can’t make him think.”
= We’re educating a populace to play video games?
= All the punk has to do is get my pizza to me before it gets cold!

“Don’t get into a pissing contest with a skunk.”
= Never trade your dignity for competitive satisfaction.

“Life is like a bucket of shit with the handle on the inside.”
= Only an Alabama cheese-head would think life is like a box of chocolates.

“He who holds the lantern while his mother chops the wood.”
= Motivating activity by instilling guilt (it works real good, too).

“Let the asshole have the last word.”
= As an expert on assholes, Steve believes in letting nature take its course.

“Do what you want... you probably will anyway.”
= The old ‘disembowel-you-and-eat-your-liver-as-you-bleed’ guilt ploy.

“Nothing says ‘fuck you’ like shrapnel.”
= Visualize anger in a can. Now throw it.

“Just a fart in the wind.”
= Poof. There goes your glory.

“Colder than a well-digger’s ass.”
“Colder than a brass monkey’s balls.”
“Colder than Nancy Pelosi’s tit.”
= Things known to be pretty damn cold.

“Like pole vaulting over a mouse turd.”
= Yonder goes a management superhero in flames.

“Piss like a race horse.”
= To make room for more beer.

“Scar-peter”
= Pilgrim with circumcised musket.

“He’ll cum in his shorts when he sees this.”
= A dysfunctional desperado has been mated to his optimal spatial pacifier.

“If it cost a nickel to shit, you’d just fart.”
= Here comes another ‘We were so poor...’ story.

“Slit your bag and run your head through it.”
= The wrath of Steve cometh (karmic slam-dunk).

“Superficialcaliforniapeopleareatrocious”
= Steve’s favorite song from a popular Julie Andrews film.

“If I had a toilet plunger, you’d be dead right now.”
= To wish a savagely cruel and dishonorable death on someone.

“Is that the stupidest look you’ve got?”
= Steve’s brilliance obviously escapes you.

“I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”
= You’re funny when you’re angry.

“I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they fly by.”
= Steve is too important to worry about your petty schemes and ambitions.

“Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?”
= Steve knows when he’s whooped your ass. What’s taking you so long?

“The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.”
= I think you got the job done but if it makes you feel good, triple-check.

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
= It’s hilarious when nature puts a showoff in his place.

“You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter.”
= You must work for the government.

“Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.”
= The shortcut to Steve’s happiness begins with losing you.

“I have not yet begun to procrastinate.”
= Steve is pacing himself for a propitious, last-minute rescue.

“I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.”
= Steve is improvising, please don’t spoil the surprise.

“Camel Cum”
= Any mysterious but useful spray-can substance.

“Rattle around like a BB in a box car.”
= You need a wife to fill all of your extra space with junk.

“A waist is a terrible thing to mind.”
= Diets make Steve cranky.

“Jewish lightning.”
= When a suspicious fire destroys devalued but heavily insured property.

“I’m solar powered now (beer is just a lubricant).”
= Wind tunnel tests prove Steve is speedier without hair.

“Welcome to Steve. Can I take your order?”
= Ah, a fresh idiot.

“A closed mouth gathers no feet.”
= I just suspected you were stupid, but you had to go and prove it.

“Flies would leave fresh dog shit to follow that guy.”
= One has severely lapsed in his personal hygiene regimen.

“Some days you’re the pigeon; some days you’re the statue.”
= Hold still, your fate is here to embrace you.

“A head like that’s bound to ache.”
= Thank you for your unsolicited health brief. Get back to work.

“I’m glad you got to see me.”
= Steve is giving you segue to leave. Please take it.

“Poodle herders”
= Human Resources/Diversity Coordinator.

“Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day; Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.”
= Seriously? You came to me for advice?

“If you throw enough shit at the wall, you will eventually be waist-deep in shit.”
= Look at what your trial-and-error method has done to your shoes.

“I don’t always talk to Sociology Majors but when I do, I say ‘I’ll have fries with that’.”
= If all you can do is write bullshit essays, then you too can “earn” a degree.

“I don’t play the pianos, I just move them.”
= Your disappointment has been orchestrated by Management, not Steve.

“Rocket surgeon.”
= Someone educated beyond his usefulness to society.

“They’ll make you sorry you have a name.”
= No dirt-bag on earth can punish you like the media.

“That’s what the label on the can says.”
= Packaged solutions never quite fit.

“A belt-sander would clean that right up.”
= You need to stand closer to your razor.

“Same bull, different shit.”
= How sweet. The media is trying to tell us what we should think again.

“He couldn’t lead a fart out of a phone booth.”
= Here comes another one of those experts they keep threatening us with.

“The apple knew about gravity before Sir Isaac Newton.”
= Here comes another expert to tell us all what we’ve painfully already experienced.

“The chicken contributed to your breakfast – the pig is committed.”
= Obligation is a costly burden.

“If Helen Keller fell down in a forest, would she make a sound?”
= You are trespassing on hallowed rationality.

“He should have picked himself a nickname that was easier to live up to.”
= When glory leads to injury.

“Most guys would pay just to watch her sleep.”
= Remember when they used to put attractive women in movies?

“I’ve got a slot in the back, that doesn’t make me a toaster.”
= There are only two sexes.

“Throw in a bag of parsley ‘cause nobody’s gonna eat that either.”
= No tofu for me, thank you.